15 Replies
baby4us - October 28

Oh man.. I feel so awful.. we have just had DH's father here for 2 weeks (much longer and more painful than the 2ww!!!)

He lives in Europe.. so we only see him when he either comes to Canada.. or we go visit him.. anyway.. you'd think that in a year.. I could put up with him for 2 weeks.. well.. we had a HUGE fight last night (and now I have broken out on my face because of stress!!).. and he is leaving early.. he is going to stay in Toronto overnight (his flight doesn't leave until Sunday).. because he is mad at me... BUT he was the one who provoked me and well... I had just had it.. he had been goading me the whole 2 weeks and well.. last night I just lost it.. Poor DH.. I feel so badly for him.. we have already been aliented from his mother (which is a good thing.. she is a total psychopath and neither of us need her in our lives)... but now this with his father!! I feel awful.. but as I said.. after being goaded for 2 weeks.. I just couldn't take it anymore...

We were SUPPOSED to go visit dear father-inlaw at Christmas.. would have been lovely to get away overseas.. but we certainly don't want to see him again .. after what happened last night..

Am I being extra bitchy because of raging hormones???? I just feel like I am the one breaking up DH and his family... (please note.. he does not get along with either his parents.. but we WERE able to put up with his father's crap.... until now!!!)

Help.. I feel awful.. thanks for letting me vent!!!!

PS.. my parents are wonderful and supportive.. naturally!!!!!


HeatherMac - October 28

Ugh. I am SO sorry you had to put up with that...I promise you, it wasn't the hormones. I found that when I was first pregnant, I suddenly found a voice I had never heard before - I was suddenly a LOT less willing to put up with crap from ANYONE! And, it caused a lot of problems at first, especially with my mother who was SO used to me just never saying anything...and I think DH really freaked out that I was quite so "mouthy".

But, the deal is this: I found a voice I never had before becuase I suddenly found what was important. I didn't take crap from anyone, I spoke up more, I didn't let people run all over me anymore...and that was the nicest perk to pregnancy. My new voice really didn't sit well with some people, but that was okay. And, so is your voice. I'm just sorry you had to go through that.

I say keep your trip planned - just go and do what YOU two want to do. It might be a while before you can take another trip like that, so make it all about celebrating you two and your marriage.

I'm glad you got to vent and I hope your weekend is better!!



Fortyfour - October 28

It sounds like he wanted a fight, trying to provoke you. Not much a man to provoke a pregnant women. He should respect your condition and make less stress for you and not more. If he visits again its a hotel for him the whole time - as if I get to vote. Ha!!!!!! Shame on him.


baby4us - October 29

Thanks Hetahermac and 44 for your sage advice.. I just still feel like a poo.. esp because the one good thing that happened.. we were supposed to take him to the airport on Sunday... but he left today.. took the train into Toronto and is staying with friends until his plane leaves tomorrow. It was such a huge relief that he left today (even though I feel guilty)... but now we have our weekend back and get to some chores that desperatley need to be done!

Indeed 44.. it seems for some reason that he wanted to provoke a fight.. and for the life of DH and I .. we don't know why.. is he threatened that we are having a baby? Even though he is thrilled for us... maybe it reminds him that he had a really tough life and ours (seems) so much smoother?? I just don't know.

But for sure... next time he cannot stay with us (esp because he kept saying he wants to come for a visit in June when the baby has been born.. can you imagine me stuck at home... with a new baby and trying to put up with him??? Murder for sure!!!)

The funny thing was... everyone was really tense last night.. when we all got home from work, etc... but after we had made dinner and sat down.. things got a little more relaxed and by 10pm... it seemed almost normal and he was acting very subdued... so it was nice that father-in-law left on a high (ish) note.. except the sad thing is .. he will never get why I was so angry with him.. before he left this morning he 'apologized' by saying he was only trying to joke with me and thought I had a sense of humour (I just sat there and didn't say a word.. I wasn't going to have ANOTHER argument when he was leaving..)

Anyway.. that is what truly is sad.. that he will never know why I was so upset. He really is a bully and knows exactly what to say to provoke me.. and perhaps I should have been the bigger person and not taken the bait.. but as I mentioned.. after 2 weeks of putting up with his comments.. I really did lose it.. (and you know what.. I felt great after my outburst)

Thanks again for letting me vent.. phew!!!!!!!


Fortyfour - October 29

Baby4us -Dont people love to say that after they hurt you feelings. I was only joking. Wrong - they werent joking. Another way to make you feel bad I think. All I can say is that I dont have patience at all for anyone who wants me to feel bad about myself or my life anymore. Just call me a b****.


HeatherMac - October 30

FortyFour -

You make an excellent point. Why should we be considered a "b*tch" if we refuse to let people make us feel bad, or speak our minds, or voice our opinion, or stand up for ourselves?? That has continually plagued me for as long as I can remember. I work in a VERY male dominated industry, and since I started, I was always labeled a "b*tch" because I actually said, and meant, the word NO, I had my own opinion that couldn't be swayed...but as I get older and interact with humans OUTSIDE of that industry, I see that people STILL want women to be demure, pliable and always pleasant.

Especially when dealing with infertility, it amazed me that people were so surprised that I was so angry. HELLO?? And every woman here has had all those "innocent" comments made to us that didn't mean to hurt us. My favorite lately was, "Now you don't have to worry about all that fertility crap anymore...aren't you happy?" Hello? Are you serious??

And I swear, if I hear "Oh relax, I was just kidding" one more time, I'll scream!! Someone the other day asked when I was due because I looked miserable. I said I'm not miserable, I'm actually feeling great...small lie...but screw them. THEN, they said they bet I was SO ready to get this baby out, and I said, no because I might not get the chance to do this again and I'm enjoying it. So, the woman said to me: "Oh relax...I was just kidding." I got tons of that while I was in treatment, we all did, and it kills me. 44 is right: you're not kidding, so shut up.

So, I guess what all this rambling is about is why we can't have the same emotions or feelings as a man without getting flack for it?? Totally kills me.

Well, thanks for letting me ramble. I guess it just hit a nerve with me this morning, since I've been hounded for the past two weeks about when I'll be able to work again...because this "joyous" occasion is SUCH an inconvenience for the people I work for...I'll be UNAVAILABLE for them to freak out on. WHAT A B*TCH I AM!!!


Have a GREAT Halloween and enjoy some of your favorite candy...if you can't carve a pumpkin, check out this site:


is SO cute!!

Have a great day, Ladies!!



Fortyfour - October 30

Amen, Heathermac. I was at a party and a lady said that if I took her two kids for the night I would not worry about having kids. When I said that wasnt nice she said, "Just kidding" I said, well it still wasnt nice and she said "Hey, I was just kidding." So I said once again, "Well, it still wasnt nice." She looked at me like I had a screw loose. Part of me wanted to say, Oh, so if I take your kids for the day I will be happy all my babies are dead then. What are they thinking. I hope her kids dont hear her say that. The pain of infertiltity never goes away I believe, even when pg.

Infertility sucks.


HeatherMac - October 30

FortyFour -

WHAT A COW!! I can't believe that...but GOOD FOR YOU for standing up and telling her it wasn't nice. It wasn't, and I'm sorry she couldn't see that.

You're right, sister...infertility sucks. AND blows.



baby4us - October 31

Oh man 44.. that is really awful that that unthinking lady said that to you..

Before we started infertility treatments and most friends and colleagues were having babies and I almost had a daily litany of "When are you going to have a baby?.... When are you going to have a baby?"

Do you know how many times I just wanted to scream.. BECAUSE I CAN"T .. and I would have loved to have seen the peoples' faces.. why people think they are being funny when they are just being downright mean.
And I really hate when people say.. just take our kids for a night and that will change your mind.. that is just so insensitive and shi**y

Sorry you had to hear that.

And Heathermac.. I am sorry to hear you are having problems at work.. why they just can't let you be... but good for you for speaking your mind and standing up for yourself...although it tragically gets you labeled as a bi**h!!!!!

Anyway.. thankfully father in law is long gone... but I certainly don't regret saying what I said... even if in the end it might have alienated us from him....


silli_kitti - October 31

In-laws can be very hard to handle. I admire you for standing up to your FIL. I couldn't. I was raised by very strict, catholic, old-school, european immigrants who told me not to talk back to people of authority (parents, teachers, bosses, police, elders, etc). Even though I'm 1/2 way to 'elder' myself, I still don't have the guts to say anything nasty to my "elders" including my in-laws. I just sit there and take it! How pathetic am I!! Then again, I also worry that DH will take their side and I don't want any problems in my marriage over people that I could care less about (oops, what a nasty thing to say!). They come, they gossip, they cause turmoil, they insult, then they leave and life goes on!

Don't you hate insensitive infertiles? I've heard some whopper things from them, but then I think gee - maybe I've just never been so sensitive to the things they say.............nope, they're insensitive b*tches.
My SIL said something hurtful to me once, I asked her why she would say that, she said "I'm just joking" and I said "Oh? Why did you think that was funny?"

Your story just goes to show you how much people take for granted. Most people think we fall in love, we get married, we have kids, we get a dog, we buy a house and live happily every after. But I think it just goes to show you how lucky we are, in a strange sort of way - we will never take the little things for granted. Everytime our little one keeps us up all night with crying, we will gladly tend to them, and realize how lucky we are that we get to tend to this little human who is totally dependent on you. We will never take our children for granted. And they will be better people for it.


baby4us - October 31

Silli-Kittie.. it is indeed tough dealing with inlaws... but you are too hard on yourself... you ARE very strong and you have constantly sought answers for your IF.. you acknowledged that you were depressed and went for help.. which has helped..!

So maybe next time you will be able to stand up to your inlaws... and DH will be right by your side!!!


Fortyfour - November 1

Hi ladies, Great subject and discussion. I was thinking about my life this weekend and realized that I have the life on the road less traveled. I have never done anthing according to how life is supposed to be. Like Sillikitti said. Marraige, kids, dog, house. Its always been backwards and upside down. I have never felt like I belonged to the groups of women beside me. I was alway doing something abnormal (to them). The positive is that I am alot more accepting of people abnormalites and differences. We are all too pressured to be like this or that in order to be accepted.

Oh well , enough rambling.

Baby dust to all. Happy deliveries and belly growing to the others.


baby4us - November 1

Well said 44... DH and I have always danced to our own tune so to speak... we too are very different from the "group of friends" we are close with.. and because of our difference.. we have always been left on the outside of this group.. never really been able to crack the cool top level where the cool couples that everyone looks up to reside... But damn them.. this isn't high school anymore.. just because we prefer to live in the country and not in town on the same street as everyone else and drive the same mini van and do the rest of the clique-y things.

It still drives me nuts soemtimes that these "friends" still act like they are in high school and because of that I have never felt like I fit completely in.. but I make the effort to stay in touch with this group (although these days I really don't know why)...

Anyway.. now I am rambling.. but remember to always stay true to yourself


Karen123 - November 2

Wow, I just read through this whole thread and I agree, great discussion! I had to add my two cents worth. All the time we worked our butts off trying to adopt (it was many, many months of hard work and disappointment) and all the while I wore ice packs in my pants to help with the swollen belly from the IVF shots and even to this day, my neighbor holds onto her 5 year old and says, "are you SURE you want to do this? You will have big regrets." I always think, why on Earth would she say that in front of her child (and I mean she says it every single time I see her) and why would she say it to a woman who had months and months of crying and crazy expenses and pain just trying to have a child?

People are just so stupid sometimes. i just can't excuse them all for the dumb things they say because they "were joking" or "didn't mean it." As you can imagine, I am happy beyond belief to be carrying twins and feel incredibly lucky and DAILY I hear nasty comments like "you are going to be miserable with two" and "wow, I bet you wish you never tried getting pregnant" and "your life is over" and the list goes on. What is wrong with people???

You know, I understand that it will be tough but the good times will FAR outweigh the bad and I just want to say "shut up!" to these insensitive people. Co-workers, friends, family, neighbors, even strangers that hear someone say I'm carrying twins. Even my very own sister makes nasty remarks all the time. They all have dumb remarks to make. Well, I have resolved to ignore them and not let them affect my happiness ONE BIT. Screw them. I will be the one who is LUCKY enough to have two and I think the next time I hear how unlucky I am or how glad they are that THEY aren't pregnant with twins, I'll say "me too!"and think a**hole in my mind. Jerks.

You all make me proud to be a woman. I love hearing how you stick up for yourselves. I can't help but think there are SO many idiots out there...I guess we're lucky to be one of the good people and know we'd never in a million years hurt someone's feelings like they do. Go us!! Karen


Fortyfour - November 3

Hi all - I had someone make a comment that hopefully the next pg wont be twins. That would have been too much for us. I will always miss my twins no matter what happens next. People. They should mind their own business. Take care all.


baby4us - November 4

44.. I think you have earned the right to start smacking people for their stupid comments!!!! Sorry you had to hear that!!!!



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