Childfree by Choice
My husband and I began trying at the end of 1997, and stopped in September of 1998. In between, we had two ruptured ovarian cysts (NOT fun!), three cycles of Clomid, one apparent very early miscarriage, and absolutely no quality of life or enjoyment of our marriage.
I did not go through anywhere near as much as some of you will have in my attempts to get pregnant. Unfortunately (for this, anyhow), I am a very driven person, and put myself 110% into everything that I do. However, that kind of attitude seemed to work against me in a situation like this, where I did NOT have full control.
My husband was one of those "I'm fine either way, but if you want a child then that's fine with me" sort of guys, and I was 110% obsessed with having a baby. I'm sure many of you will understand the feeling of seeing a pregnant woman or one with a small child and hating her... not for anything to do with her, but because she had what I wanted. I felt as though there were a finite number of babies in the universe, and that she had mine! (The sudden rash of unplanned pregnancies at my office did not help the situation.)
In early September, I was at the mall with my husband, and two women, each with a small child in a stroller, passed us. I immediately burst into tears, and had to be led out of the mall. I cried all the way home, and then collapsed into the couch with one of our cats. I had truly snapped. It is hard even now to remember how hopeless and lost I felt.
There Is Life After Infertility
When I'm trying to make a decision, I often imagine myself deciding first one way, then the other, and see which way feels right. So I thought, "I'm not going to try for a baby anymore." I felt such a strong sense of peace and 'rightness'; when I tried to imagine trying again, I simply couldn't do it. I told my husband, "I don't want to do this anymore," and he agreed. (The poor guy - I think he just wanted his 'old' wife back!)
We agreed to take a year off from trying, and then to re-evaluate. By the time the year was up, there wasn't enough money in the world to get me to start trying again! My husband has now had a vasectomy, and we are childfree by choice.
Remember that there IS a life after infertility - and you get to choose how it will be!
Author's name withheld