Feeling Blue
11 Replies
WantsBaby2 - August 6

Hi Ladies,
Sorry to whine. I have just been feeling a little down the last few days. I don't know......maybe the fertility meds are still working their way out of my system.

The thought of a 3 month delay has got me down too. I am waiting for AF to get started on my testing cycle and of course she is late!!! Any other time she is right there to bug me at the worst times! >:(

I have been having some horrible nightmares lately too. I dreamt that I was on a rollercoaster standing up, and right before I was to go down the huge hill, I realized I didn't have my harness on.....then at that very moment lightening and thunderstorms hit! Not a good situation all around! So what does it mean??? ??? I haven't a clue.

I was watching my wedding video the other night and just started bawling. I had such hopes and dreams for a family. I was so happy on my wedding day......and so very hopeful about our future. I never would have thought I would have had to endure infertility and the toll it would take on my heart.

I have lost friends and gained friends through infertility. It's amazing when you go into crisis in your life how your true friends come to the forefront. Some fertile women can be so insensitive and nasty to us infertiles. Those friends I thought were closest don't even speak to me anymore. They even walk the other way when they see me about town. It has been such a painful journey with "friends" like that. I just have no time or tolerance for that in my life. It really reminds me of that Lifetime movie where the group of high school girls gangs up on the one girl! Has anyone ever seen that?

Others have become absolute angels in my life. I have a friend who has offered to give me some of her eggs if it comes to that. She is serious. I cried tears when she told me that. How could I be so lucky to have such a good friend?

Oh well, I guess infertility is just taking its toll on me. I feel like my life is just in limbo. Dh and I are both down in the dumps. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry this post is so long.

Wantsbaby2

 

meridithhasfaith - August 6

Wantsbaby2

I feel so bad reading your post. Bad for you, I mean. You have been through it. I remember when you were just gearing up, you had that lab cleaning delay. Then to have to delay more now for tests. All you want to do is have a baby and there are so many steps to take and some of the steps keep moving at the last second, throwing you off balance. So unfair.

Limbo is the worst place to be especially on the heels of a huge disappointment. I bet delayed AF is adding to your down feelings. I'm glad you posted how you are feeling. *hug* Thinking of you and dh as I go about my day today. Take care...

Meridith

 

Fortyfour - August 6

Wantsbaby2 - the hardest part of this for me is not being in control of any of it. We wait and wonder and then something happens and we wait and wonder some more. All the time are hearts are breaking. The hormones are not helping I am sure. It takes me a couple of months after hormones not to be on a rollercoaster.

I wish there was something I could do for you. Stay busy and hopefully time will move on quickly. Keep on venting to us.

Baby dust to you.

 

HeatherMac - August 6

WantBaby2 -

You know, I had nightmares like that, too. I had a lot of rollercoaster dreams. I usually like rollercoasters, but these were really scary coasters, and the nightmares terrified me. It was awful. Sometimes I would wake up unable to move or breathe they were so scary. I had lots of scary rollercoaster dreams and tornado dreams. They were all horrible, and I kept asking my RE if the meds would cause nightmares, but he kept telling me no.

My therapist, however, told me that given the situation (infertility), the nightmares made perfect sense. She reasoned the rollercoasters represented all the ups and downs we go through with treatment...our lack of control through ANY of it...and how quickly it all has to happen. If you think about it, when someone goes through something really bad in their life, they usually have time to mourn it. We infertiles, however, get mere DAYS to get through the rough bits and mourn the sadness before we have to head back up the hill again to be positive and happy and start all the meds - and the ride - all over again. Severe ups then severe downs...all at speeds we just shouldn't be travelling...especially when we can't be in the driver's seat.

So, while it may not help your nightmares, it unfortunately makes perfect sense. You're up, you're down, you're up, you're down...and it's all so quick and you're being jerked in one different direction after another. This is a rough ride, my dear. One I'm sorry anyone has to go through...much less women as wonderful as all of us. ;)

Just remember that you have friends here who care about you and know exactly what you're going through. While the rollercoaster may be horrible and scary, we're right there beside you...along for the ride.

I hope your day gets better.


HeatherMac

 

TTC in SoCal - August 7

WantsBaby2.... whine away. i am completely with you. I am very frustrated, sad, heartbroken, myself. I know what you mean that you envision your life in your subconscious... infertility changes all of that.... and the hardest part is to either give up a dream or change your dream. after this failed ivf and the poor fertilization, we are pretty much at the end of the journey. I might ask the doc to do SCSA (sperm dna fragmentation analysis) to see if that could be playing a part. i realize my age indicates that more than 1/2 of my eggs are of poor quality, but i just can't believe that we can't get this right. nevertheless.... DH and I promised ourselves that we would only try once. I think it is really hard for him, too... he just doesn't show it as much.
anyway..... your feelings are perfectly normal (not that that makes you feel better).... whine away... we will listen with compassionate hearts.
someone sent me an e-card after this last negative beta... it said 'i wish you peace in your heart'..... that is the best we can hope for .... i don't know how to find it, but it's what i'm searching for...
many hugs coming your way...
trish

 

oneandonlymel - August 7

Wantsbaby2, I am so sorry you have to endure everything you are going through and I know nothing anyone says can take that saddness away, but we are all here for you to cry on our shoulders, even though we all have different problems we all want the same thing and the journey getting there is so stressful and nerve racking along with disappointment, but I want to believe that through it all that in the end we will all be holding that bundle of joy! It is so hard to stay positive and I know I get tired of hearing, it will happen! I am sending you a big hug and believe things will work out in the end!!!!

 

WantsBaby2 - August 7

Thank you so much ladies,
Your thoughts mean so much to me. A read a book recently that said infertility is one of the most horrendous things a woman can face in her life. I certainly wouldn't argue with that! I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I made that first appt. with my RE a little over a year and a half ago. Not that I would change a thing. I believe it has been well worth the effort..... child or no child.

I am just so tired of waiting.... as I am sure all of us are. If I cannot have a baby of my own, I just want to know so I can get on with my life and make other plans for a family. But I just can't unless I know I have done everything in my power to have my own baby.

I have an older brother in Michigan who keeps asking why we don't just adopt. I know he means well, but we are not quite at that crossroad yet. It's like he thinks we are crazy for putting ourselves through all of this.

Trish, I read on your other post that you think God hates you. I have felt this way many times. I feel God does not hear my prayers. When I pray for something.... the opposite always happens. Now I know God doesn't hate us, but it sure feels that way sometimes.

I will always remember your advice to me to pray for what he thinks is best. This has helped me immensely through this process. Maybe He has something really special in store for us. My thoughts will be with you as you decide what your next plan of action will be. I know you would be an absolutely wonderful mother no matter how a child comes to you.

As for the rest of you ladies, enjoy your Sunday. I am going to get my butt in gear and clean house. Yesterday was my pity party day. I sat around in sweats and watched chick movies all day. There is nothing like Steel Magnolias for a good cry!

Wantsbaby2


 

Trying in NH - August 8

wantsbaby2,

You deserve to whine from what you have been through. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and postive (yes, I know easier said then done) Thank goodness for this web site and all the women here! Hopefully it actually stays up this time.

 

belle - August 8

I was so sad to read your post. Just know that you're not alone and that we're all here for you!! I know i felt totally alone until I found this site. I'm really sorry to hear that your friends are not there for you. It's through the toughest times that we find out who our true friends are! You have found a lot of friends here and we're here to support you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Belle

 

celia m - August 14

I had tears in my eyes when I read your post, I know all to well how you feel. I hope all of you find peace in your heart.

 

memphismom - September 20

I really connected to your feelings on other women. If they had no problem concieving it's like they are from a different species that speaks a different language. They have no clue what it is like. If I hear one more "You're probably just trying too hard, relax and it will happen" I'm gonna throw up! :-X

 

baby4us - September 21

Feeling Blue is putting it mildly!
Wants Baby 2.. you have been through so much.. it is no wonder you are on this emotional roller coaster.. the waiting.. the not knowing.. the poking and prodding... the fact that you can't make any major long term plans.. in case that is the day you need to go in for your Day 3 b/w and u/s... the fact that you have to put on your "game face" every day because most of the people you deal with day in and day out.. have no clue what you are going through... so you have to keep everything inside and try to keep moving forward.

It isn't too easy.. and it's not too much fun! All you can do is know that crying will help .. don't hold it in.. and of course.. we are all here for you to lean on!

 

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