What are my options?
15 Replies
Anna - July 27

Hello! This is my first time here. Here is my story in a nutshell. I'm 31 and my husband is 35. We've been married seven years. We started seriously trying to get pregnant 2 years ago. We decided to see a doctor about it when I thought we might have miscarried after over a year of trying. I was 5 days late and at Disney World. As soon as we got home from our plane flight we tested. It said PREGNANT. The next day I took a three more fertility tests (each different brands) that were inconclusive according to package directions. The next day my tests came back negative. My breasts felt different at Disney and I really thought I was pregnant. The doc said I probably wasn't pregnant. He said that my husband and I had sex frequently enough for us to get pregnant. So the tests began. I had painful Endo done twice because he didn't get enough tissue the first time. I had a HSG done. Blood tests for me. My husband had sperm tests. Everything came out fine. Oh, by the way, I found out I was pregnant six days after my endometrial biopsy! I was pregnant during the biopsy and when I had my blood taken! I was crampy, but not sure if it was from the biopsy or the baby. The doc said not to worry that the baby wasn't in the cervix at that point and some women have cramps when pregnant. We we overjoyed and started looking at baby stuff. At seven weeks and two days I started bleeding. At 7w5d I had an sonogram and everything was perfect! The baby was in the right spot and everything looked good. Stay on bed rest. After seeing the baby's heartbeat there's a 1% chance of miscarriage (or so the doc said). So with that news we started telling cousins, friends, neighbors. We were extremely happy! We got an ultrasound picture and we emailed it to friends. 2 days later at exactly 8w we miscarried. I had a d&c the next day. The d7c was March 23. Already I'm wondering if we will be able to concieve again and blaming myself for not having a blood test before the endo. biopsy. That could have been our only chance and we blew it!
I've done the bbt and have been using a fertility monitor for a year (except for when I was pregnant). None of the tests have shown any problem with either of us. The doc. did have me take a progesterone pill when I started bleeding with the baby. My cycles and ovulation days have been different since the miscarriage. Not like before when I knew I ov. on day 13 and got AF on day 28. Last time I ov. day 18 and AF on day 34. Of course, with these longer cycles I get my hopes up more that I'm preg., but no test showed I was.

So what do I do now? I'm thinking of changing docs even though I'm comfortable with him. He didn't make sure I wasn't pregnant before the endo. was done. So the trust level has gone down. He's 60 and I don't know if he's up on the latest procedures or about to retire. Also he had to send me to the imaging center because his sonogram machine was extremely old. The people at the imaging center say they have been working with his paitents for a while because it's "ancient". Why won't he upgrade his machine? Is it because he's going to retire? It's not for lack of patients. You have to make your annual exam appt. w/ him almost a year in advance. I'm on an HMO now because I thought I would have a baby this year and it has excellent coverage for that. Should I switch to a more flexible plan in case we need to see an RE? I'm not happy with the RE's on the HMO plan. How long should we try naturally before trying another course of action. I apparantly ovulate, so would a doc. perscribe Clomid for someone like me? My doc said he is "confident" I will get pregnant again. I on the other hand am not so confident. My annual exam is in late Jan 07. I will have to decide about insurance in Nov. 06. Any suggestions. I know I'll want to do something by Jan 07 if I'm not pregnant because it will be almost a year since miscarrying and going on 3 years of trying to have a baby.
I'm listening.


tracylee - July 28


I was ALWAYS regular, to the day, almost the hour, and my obgyn put me on clomid. I think obgyn's are fine with prescribing it, however you may want a new doctor that can monitor you while on it. I was not monitored on it, and found out that my ovaries are now covered in cysts (a side effect of the clomid). Anyhow, you seem to be considering changing doctors, and it may be better for you to see someone younger, "hipper", and who you feel more comfortable with. I like my obgyn, however was upset to find out I had the cysts, and only because I had gone to an RE for his opinion. I didn't like his opinion either, he wants to go straight to IVF. Anyway I did get pregnant on clomid, my second cycle on it, however had a m/c at 10 weeks or so. Like you I had told EVERYONE and it was a real slap in the face. We took a break for a few years, ending up adopting, no a planned path, but we are grateful for it, and here we are trying again. I am also similar to you in that they have not found a thing wrong with myself or DH and that is my "thing" right now, I want the investigation to begin, why is this not working, why don't I work right!

So, okay, I think you should go see another doctor, you can't see someone you don't trust and just see what another doctor would recommend as a course of action. It's worth finding out if another doctor has a better plan, and a more take charge attitude! Hope you find a doc like that!



fiso - July 28

Hi Anna.
Just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't wait to start seeing a RE. Every month that goes by is another '"lost month" . I know you are 31 and still have a few years, but why wait, in case it takes you a long time to get pg even with treatments?
I agree with Tracy, you need a younger, up-to-date doctor. Things have changed so much in the medical field that you want someone or a group that knows the latest techniques and research.
One good thing you have for you is that you got pg once. The sad part is that you lost the baby and I feel for you.
Get as much info as you can, ask docs questions and go for it. Miracles happen. I'm 7 months pg, I'm 41 and never thought it would work.

Baby by dust to you.


liz - July 28


Hello and welcome to the site. You can find a great deal of information here and a wonderful support system in these trying times.

I am so sorry to hear about your m/c. M/c is a very devestating thing. We all deal differently, we all heal differently. We do heal, we just never forget.

I too, just as yourself and Tracy said, was very regular. I would ovulate on day 15 and af would arrive on target at day 29. I have had never in my worst dreams thougth I had an ovulation problem. To make a long long story short I will just fill you in on the real important stuff today. I had a m/c on Dec. 12, 05 at 11 1/2 wks. I had a d&c and the fetus was tested to find out the cause of m/c. I had 2 previous m/c, but most doc will not start testing until it is your 3rd. Horrible, but very real. The d&c told us that we had a little girl (now an angel to us) and that she had a chromosome abmorality. There was nothing that could have been done about that one unfortuantly. Now she just lives in my heart and watches over her Mommy and Daddy everday.

My gyn immediatly began testing on both dh and myself. We had genetic testing/counseling, tons of bw and nothing came back. Finally after 3 months of nothing they switched me over to the infertility dept. at the center. The first thing that they did was test my estrodiol and progesterone on approx day 23. They found a problem, my estrodiol was only at 56 and it should have been over 100, my progesterone and proved I was ovulating. My gyn had also tested the progesterone on day 23 but never the two together. So here we were several months into it with the gyn and 1 try wtih the re and they found a problem. I believe 100& with all my heart and sould that when you are having trouble conceiving an re is the way to go. They are more trained and often treat this problem in a more aggresive manor. When I begin see the re I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, we were finally getting answers.

From my experience I feel that gyn or obs tend to take a more laid back attitude and that is fine is you are in your 20s, for me I need to keep working on this, I am 32 and not getting any younger. I know women get pg a lot older then this, but you also hear it is often harder. I want to find answers and I want to keep moving forward, not standing still.

So, for my advice to you is think it over, think about what you feel is best for you and your hopes of having a baby and then do what is right for you. I would suggest an re, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the world of difference it makes. I am sure your doc is a fine doc and I can relate to your being comfortable with him, however this might not be his speciality and that could be what you need.

Take care of yourself, good luck!
Let us know how you are making out.



Anna - July 28

Thank you Tracy and Fiso! I need a good kick in the pants!
Tracy, I live in Murfreesboro, TN. I see your from TN. Anywhere near? Can you recommend doctors? If you had been monitored when taking Clomid, would you have been taken off the drug b/c it caused cysts or given a lower dosage?
I can't just go to any RE with my coverage this year. I have to get a referal to one on my HMO list. I'm not too sure about those REs. One I know I definately don't want. He tries to impregnate you with a litter then does selective reduction if they all take. I've heard bad things about some of the REs in Nashville, that they can be really cruel. To be honest I'm afraid I'll start crying and won't be able to stop. I wish I could have my husband there for every appointment, but it just isn't practical. The recep. at my current dr.'s office said that she didn't like the Nashvill REs and went to one in Chattanooga probably has given birth now. She did IVF with them and they are very caring. She said I know it's a haul, but it's worth it. This haul is an hour and a half away from our home and 2 hours away from my dh work. If we did end up doing IVF there, would my husband have to take off work, vacation time? Would we need to get a hotel room for a week, etc... How much does IVF cost? I definitely would try Clomid first.

This decided to try a message board because, I feel like no one seems to understand what I'm going through and I need some real support. I feel we made a big mistake telling everybody we were pregnant b/fore we miscarried. I seems to invited a lot of people into our personal lives. I feel raw and people can be nosy and nude and say the wrong things. Like before the miscarriage it was "how long have you been married? I answer. Me and so-and-so decided you must hate kids not to have any yet." My favorite was the card I got after I miscarried from my dh's grandmother "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." or yesterday from a friend who is 38, has one child and husband just had a vesectemy(sp?) reversal so they can try for more children. "If there's nothing wrong with you and your husband why aren't you pregnant yet? Surely you can get pregnant before me and my husband, we're older and our chances are lower b/c of his vesecetmy. " Is that supposed to make me feel better? She'll get pregnant because I know her. Everyone I know gets pregnant right away.

Thanks for your encouragement. Yesterday was a paticularly BAD day. I cried a lot, trying to figure out what I should be doing. Most days I'm fine, it's one of those things I thought would be easy and it's turning out to be a very hard journey. I've gained 50 lbs. since I started this journey and am currently trying to lose the weight, as I know it can hurt my chances of getting pregnant. I plan to be back to my healthy weight in about 6 mo. I've always been able to fulfill my dreams, but the biggest dream of having children is elusive. The thought of never being able to have a child tears me and my husband up inside. We have so much love to give.


Anna - July 28

Thanks liz! I saw your post after I posted. I will be 32 in Dec. and my dh and I have always wanted to have our family by 35 b/c the increased risk of problems after 35. So yes, I feel the clock ticking. I'm going to print out a new list of the REs today and see who I have to get a referral from, my ob or the reg. doc. I very much sympathize with your miscarriage. I understand the pain you go through and went through. Thanks for your honesty and encouragement! :D


tracylee - July 28

Anna - I live in Mt. Juliet, and work in Nashville. I went for my first appt. with the RE 2 weeks ago, and I went to Nashville Fertility Center. I saw Dr. Hill. I found him to be nice, can't say anything negative about him. There was another woman I had talked to who saw the woman doctor there, and really liked her. I think you can request the female doctor. I had a bad experience in Florida, so I did have something to compare it to! Anyway, the doctor recommend IVF for us ($15,000.00), which I feel is a little pushy at this point. My DH is having a SPA done in August and we will go back and discuss our options then. I think I want to do more investigation before I even think about IVF. My insurance won't cover it, so....

My RE in Florida was approx an hour away, and it was difficult to time things. I would not recommend Chattanooga. I guess you can set up a consult in Nashville, and if you don't like the Dr. make a decision then.

If my RE is the one you heard the BAD stuff about, please IM me and let me know! Ugghhh! You will get plenty of support here, it has been a wonderful experience for me! I have met some really great woman who have taught me SO much! And we all have bad days, comes with the frustration and despair we all feel at times!



DianaEvans2 - July 29

Hello Anna: glad you found this site and the support is here. Lots of practical tips and warm support.

I agree with Fiso and the other ladies...seek out an RE for a consult that is ethical and most knowledgable. It strikes me as almost unethical to have a doctor go to extreme quantities of eggs transferred and then do selective reduction if need be. That sounds extreme, some unnecessary and potentially risky surgery....

The travel should be a little issue compared to the rest of the IVF factors. It is well worth the commute to go to the best doctor you can afford/reach. I travel 1.5 hours each way for my appts-I get up at 430AM, out of the house at 5 and hit the doc's office by 630. They open up at 7, but the traffic in NYC is horrendous, so the earlier, the better. Then I turn around and drive back to hit work by 9AM. But this is a short term thing for a LIFE long joy!

As to insurance thing, you may also wish to see if your state has a grant program. NY state does.

There is an excellent book I read over and over and it has a great chapter on finances. It is called the "Infertility Handbook" by Elizabeth Swire Faulkner. Fairly recent and the technology sections are very spot-on and written in a straightforward, CLEAR way. My library had it. I then bought the soft cover for about $18 from AMazon.

I am very sorry to hear about the rude (extremely) comments by your relatives and such. HOW AWFUL!!

Anna and Liz: you have my truest empathy for the miscarriages...I've been there twice....once a natural pregnancy and a recent (January) IVF pregancy. The hardest part I think was to see how very sad my DH was....he was picking out names and everything.....I was just trying to adjust to the shock of being pregnant and didn't get to the excitement stage..... Well....I occassionally think about what could have been, but more importantly focus on what can come to be....

I would encourage you to move forward as rapidly as possible with the best RE you find. Someone asked about time off from work....Depending on how you feel, certainly the day of retreival and transfer. For DH, just the day of retrieval is the bare minimum. Of course, it helps if DH can be around for more appts, but medically it is not necessary. I plan to take off again after transfer for about 3 or 4 days plus the weekend. It's just a mental thing for me to rest as much as possible since I am super active in my normal state. I take a reading/video stack form the library. It worked the previous cycle. So this is the third-time, praying that the third tiem is a charm for a complete and healthy pregnancy. Retrieval is Monday. HAPPY to be on the home stretch! MUCH BABY DUST TO ALL! Diana


liz - July 29

Hello all -

Diana - Thank you for your kind words. I too am very sorry to hear of your m/c. They are just such painful parts of our lives. You have a very good attitude about your m/c's. Although you can't change it too often I think we find ourselves dwelling on what could have been and not really looking at what is. I am very guilty of this and my dh gently reminds me of what I have and how our little ones are "our angels".
I too can relate to the hardest part for you being to tell your husband. Every month when I get a bfn I am actually more afraid to tell him because I know how disappointed he will be then to actually face that I got another neg result. I feel like I am letting him down and that just ripes my heart out.
Good luck to you on Monday. I will be sending you lots of postive energy.

Anna -
How are you feeling? I was glad to read you are looking into your options with an re.
I always said I was going to me married and have children by the time I was 30, well that didn't work out so well since I didn't find the man of my dreams till I was 29. We were married in Oct. of 05 and now my goal is well as soon as possible. I am going to do one more cycle of injections if this one didnt work and then give it a rest till Jan 07 and then maybe move to IVF. That is my plan anyway. Right now I am trying to take one day at a time and enjoy myself, my husband, family and our little beagle (Izzy).

I must run, start dinner before I end up ordering out.

Take care everyone


Lisa Diane - August 2

Hi Anna,
I've been given some wonderful, encouraging support here. I find that it helps so much just to "talk" with others who really understand what you may be going through.

I agree with everyone about seeking an RE. When I first voiced my concern to my GYN she told me not to worry, we'll get you pregnant within the year. Talk about false hope! Luckily, I was advised by others to get an RE and I did so a few months after that. It has been five years now, on and off, and still have not been able to conceive, but I feel that I would have wasted a lot of time had I stayed with the GYN.

The advice that I would like to offer - take care of yourself. Especially emotionally. It has taken a while but I have learned to allow myself to feel however I am feeling. For example, if I am angry that another coworker has gotten pregnant so easily or by "accident" then I let myself feel angry. I do so in private, of course. Whenever I am in a situation that I find difficult, I try to walk away. I haven't attended a baby shower in years, it is just too painful, and I really don't care what others think about it. I send a nice gift along with my apologies about not being able to attend. Anyway, the point is that you shouldn't sacrifice your own feelings to protect others. Do what is comfortable for you. You have received some very thoughtless remarks from others, it can be so frustrating! It may help if you decide in advance what you want to say.

For me, I told my parents and my sister about the struggles that DH and I were having in trying to become parents. I also asked them to pass it along to other family members as appropriate and to let them know it was too painful for me to discuss. It has seemed to help, at least with the stupid questions. As for meeting new people, that can be the worst. When they find out we have been married for 11 years of course they are curious about kids. I reply "hopefully someday" and then I quickly change the subject. That seems to work as well.

I hope this message board may be helpful for you.

Lisa Diane


Lila - August 2

First, Anna, TracyLee, and DianaEvans I am so sorry for your miscarriages, what a terrible tragedy you have all had to endure (Liz as you already know I am also very sorry for your loss). My hopes are with you that you will never have to experience that again. But at least as Fiso said you can take some comfort in the knowledge that you have conceived and thus will do so again. Also the strength you all show in your words is amazing and shows what great women you all really are.

Second, Congratulation Fiso that is wonderful news about your pending due date. Best of luck to you and I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to me as I start my IVF journey.

Anna: With regard to changing doctors I agree with the others that being with a Dr that you trust and that is well equipped with the latest knowledge and machines is extremely important. Even if it is not possible to change to an RE I think it would still be worth it to find a better OB within your network and see how they can help you. I agree with TracyLee that a Dr’s ability to monitor you during this process is vital for success. When these procedures are as difficult - physically, emotionally, and financially as they are the peace of mind that you would get from being well monitored can make all the difference.

Anna I can totally empathize with you on the weight issue. I too have gained way too much weight because of the many stresses this process throws at you. I applaud your efforts to try and use the time till your insurance might be worked out to try and lose a little. Remember though not to beat yourself up over this problem as that will just compound the stress. I have to admit I am one of those that go straight for the comfort food when I am feeling sad, frustrated and/or depressed. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me that a chocolate chip cookie has such power over me but in the grand scheme of things to run to a cookie when I am blue really is the lesser of many other possible evils. I know losing it is not easy as I have been trying as well and I would love to try and buddy up together and see if we can help each other out with encouragement etc.

DianaEvans I have read your post here as well as many others and thank you for the wealth of information and experience you share. I know I have said this over and over but I can not believe how much I have learned from reading about all the other women’s experiences that are posted on this site. Your contributions are always so informative and I really appreciate it. I think I read that you just had a transfer this week and I really hope it went well and that this is a successful cycle for you.

Lisa Diane: The advice you give is great. It is so funny to think I have been feeling the exact same way for so long but thought I was such a terrible person for feeling that way. To be able to read that others who have walked in my shoes also feel the same is a great relief. I agree with you we do need to accept that our feelings are valid and that there is for each of us a comfortable and healthy way to learn how to express them. I loved your advice on how to handle letting family members in on what we are going through. Usually I am such a private person (although I have apparently been able to get over that on this website!) that I really have trouble talking about this with family as well as friends. When I have tried I just seem to get such pity from them that I feel like a defective failure. I think I will take your advice and let my sister help me with this.

I know I have written a small book here and apologize that I ramble on as I do – Liz at least you are used to that by now – but thanks for letting me jump in on your thread.


DianaEvans2 - August 3

Hello Lila: THANKS SO VER MUCH FOR THE POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!! Yup....here I go (tomorrow) back for the transfer. 11 eggs, but only 4 fertilized this time...but at my age...that's ok and still a good chance-positiveness here (well stastically, I am a realist and know them by heart now)

I'm going into NYC (where my clinic is=60 mile schlepp), having lunch first with one of my most positive happy girlfriends. She's so New York, that it's delightful. Tall, blond, thin, Wall Streeter, but very happy. She'd be a perfect persona for Sex in the City.

To digress on a lighter note....if you're not from/near NYC.....most of my city girl friends are so like Sex in the City...it's funny....My DH just rolls his eyes....but he watches (I think he secretly likes it!!-IRONICALLY he just turned it on as I type here). Only thing is my girlfriends don't have such nice jobs per se-just tons of work. Oh yeah....there were many episodes of Charlotte enduring all this lovely IVF stuff.

THANKS AGAIN>Going to catch some zzz's here. Wishing everyone much baby dust and happy thoughts! Diana


Lila - August 3

Good luck tomorrow and have a great lunch. I am sure you have picked out a place already but in case not I just had lunch at Payard a couple weeks ago and it was amazing. If you are looking for a treat with a great girlfriend I would highly recommend. Don’t know if Upper East Side is even convenient but it is wonderful.

I had totally forgotten about Charlotte doing the IVF I may have to start watching again on TBS to see if they show any of those reruns again. I always laugh when I watch the TBS “cleaned up” versions of Sex but I guess they really could not show some of the things as they were originally on HBO. Do not know if you watch it but my DH and I are totally hooked on Entourage. He calls it Sex in the City for guys and that really is dead on.

Sorry about the long haul you have to get to your clinic but it probably is a small price to pay for a the right RE. I am lucky as I am a scant 5 miles from mine. At least it gives you a good excuse to come and have some fun in the city (although in this heat schlepping around NY is probably not on the top of your to do list).

If you do not mind me asking are you doing a 3 or 5 day transfer. I have not yet even started my IVF cycle (plan calls for Aug 17th start but have to have Lap surgery first next Mon) and I keep obsessing over all these decisions. Like you I have that age issue working against me and we only get 2 tries with our insurance so I keep trying to figure out what is the best way to proceed.

I too am off to catch some zzzs I will be thinking positive thoughts for you tomorrow and hoping that all goes well for the transfer – best of luck.


fiso - August 3

Hi DianaEvans 2, just wanted to send you some good thoughts as you go for your transfer today. I too, had 4 embyos transfered and one survived. That's all it takes, just one!
I live in NJ and used to go to NY quite often. I was hooked on Sex in the City and now we are hooked on Entourage. I totally agree that it is a Sex in the city for men!
Payard is a great place to go for lunch or dinner.

Lila, I'm so happy to be be able to inspire all of you. I never thought it would work. But I have to give credit to my DH who encouraged me to do the last round. I had reached a point when I just wanted to be left alone, I had enough of all the medical stuff and after one m/c, I had lost some hope. He is the one who convinced me that this time, it will be fine. He is so good. I can't thank him enough today as we are waiting for the crib to be delivered and we are taking our first baby classes!!!
So all of you, don't lose hope. I know it's hard but it coudl work.

Baby dust to all of you. Fiso


DianaEvans2 - August 4

THANKS so ever much the tips on Payard and Entourage, Lila and Fiso. I'll have to watch that with DH soon. Is it an HBO thing too? I'm not a huge TV person. In the NYC area,on cable there are re-runs of Sex in the City....Charlotte's first marriage with the I VF cycles is coming up....she just had her miscarriage and then moves to IVF with Trey if I recall correctly....

So out of the 4 embryos, 3 made it. 8,5,4 cell and look non-fragmented to me (untrained eye, but I've seen tons of photos on line and in books to get the general gist). So here I incubate as I took a few days off work. You are right, Fiso, only need ONE!! So I am rooting for my embies here....

Yeah, I love NYC, but you are right....schlepping around in this HUMIDTY (the heat is ok to a point), is a reall damper....Fortunately, they gave me prescriptions to get my blood work done out here at a local Quest place for the pregnancy tests. So that saves 3 trips.

[u][/u] TAKE A HOME PILLOW WITH YOU. I know this sounds silly, but the prep time in waiting for the RE and all the lead up stuff, makes you wait in the waiting room for ages....The chairs in my place were hard stiff backed...I used my pillow to prop up against the wall and fell asleep twice. For the transfer, I had to take the train in/out as my DH was unable to get out of work. So I used the pillow on the train too. While it looks silly to schlepp a pillow (in a big shopping bag), it was well worth the comfort. Anything in this process to be comfy....

Wishing eveyone a fantastic Friday!! Diana


Lila - August 4

Diana glad to see that everything went well. I will be keeping positive thoughts for you that everthing goes well but it sure sound promising.

Yes Entourage is on HBO - Sunday nights but they do show throughout the week.

Got a meeting at 1 so have to run but wanted to say hi



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