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Kaz,

I can totally understand how you are feeling. There is nothing more consuming than trying to have a much wanted child. It is so normal for you to be this confused and sad. And, you are right. Nobody will completely understand how you feel unless they have been through it.
I will say to you though that to give this cycle everything you have try to go into it with a positive attitude. I have done countless IVF cycles and twice they have worked. Those times I was calm, relaxed and ready for my body to do what it had to do. I honestly believe this is the key to a good cycle.
It is important for you to express yourself and feel like you are understood, so please keep venting on this board. We all understand what you are going through and can support you in every way.

good luck

Shaz

Hi Kaz,
You are totally normal. There have been times that I thought I was completely losing my mind! :o

I think just the thought of IVF is so frightening because we know it is our last resort. I went through all the bc and meds in February and then my cycle was cancelled because I only had one mature follicle. I was absoutely DEVASTATED! Thank God for the ladies on this sight or I might have completely went over the edge. The meds make me frighteningly emotional. My husband actually came home early from work one day (which he never does) because he was so worried about me. Nothing could calm me down.

I truly don't believe anyone could understand what we go through unless they have gone through it themselves. I read in a book once that the level of fatigue, anxiety and depression that women deal with in infertiliy is equal to that of someone grappling with a life-threatening disease. No surprise that we are dealing with some pretty hefty emotions that only us infertiles would understand!

Keep in touch. We will all help each other get though this one way or another!

Wantsbaby2

Kaz, I comepletely sympathize with your feelings. I think us infertiles are misunderstood among our peers unless someone you know has actually gone through it. This website is a sanity saver. Good luck with your IVF treatment. I had tubal issues also and went the IVF route. It wasn't easy I have posts here somewhere where it looks like I was a lunatic. After the 3rd transfer I finally was blessed. I wouldn't of had the strength to try again if it wasn't for the women here. Take care...cassandra

Kaz

I completely relate to how you are feeling. I too have a child already. (conceived with ivf w/ icsi) He has been asking for a baby brother or sister for years and I know it's all on me.
My first time, so much was riding on it because I was SO afraid I would never know what it felt like to be pg and have a baby of my own. That fear is gone and the new one is, my child will be an only and be lonely when my dh and I are gone. I swore that if I just had one, I would be happy. I am VERY happy but it has changed and now someone else is here (my son) and he has needs too. It's so complicated and then add the treatments and the chances of success. Arg!
I will be doing what Shaz said. I will prepare myself mentally and physically like I did the last time and give this everything I've got. I hope you can get through the "I have decided to do it and am now freaking out" stage. It isn't easy. It can also help if you can talk to dh about your fears and concerns. (tell him ahead of time not to poo-poo your fears though)
Keep venting! :)

Meridith

Okay, I feel so much better just hearing all of you tell me that you understand all these crazy emotions. It is definitely a roller coaster, and I never seem to know which way it's going!
Shaz-thanks for the advice. I'm hoping that I'm getting out some of my negative energy now and will definitely give this cycle everything I've got. I'm sort of glad to be doing it in the summer...I'm just happier when the sun is shining, plus my mom will be able to come help with my daughter.
WantsBaby2-you're right, we will get through this together. IVF is scary to me too, but I also feel like we finally have a good chance at success which I wasn't feeling with the IUI. I think the worst part for me is knowing that we only have 1 chance at it this year. But if it doesn't work (which it WILL, right?!) we can change our insurance and hopefully have more coverage next year.
Meredith-good luck with your cycle. I too feel like I am so happy to have my daughter, but now I want to give her everything in the world....including a sibling! I felt selfish for wanting another for a long time, but I've accepted it now and know that it's normal to long for something that most people take for granted.
Thanks so much to all of you...it really helps to get this out!
Kaz

Kaz, I am glad you have a plan of action. Good luck with this cycle and i hope you get pg. This is so hard as we constantly head into the unknown. Take care and keep in touch.