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Boy am I getting irritable. I have told all that knew I was pg that I m/c. Everyone has been great. Except for evil father in law. What I cant stand now is people calling me and chatting about the great day they are having, how cleaning the house was such a struggle because of all the freinds calling and stopping by. They have a quick how are you but I dont know what exactly to say. I have not felt physically well for 3 days now. I have not stopped crying for 2. I dont want to smile or be made to smile. My babies are dead and everyones life is moving on without me. Only one friend has had a m/c and knew exactly what I was saying. I think that they think if they talk about happy things I will be happy. I will be happy if I talk about the painful things. Who wants to call and talk about those though? Sorry if I am rambling but I have so much pain in my heart right now and I feel abandoned and diminished by most people in my life.
I ordered a necklace with 3 momentos on it to have the memories of my babies close to me. I hope I dont have to add any more to it.
Take care all and sorry for the bummer note.
Baby dust to all and no m/c for anyone.
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Fourtyfour, I wish I could jump through the computer and give you a hug and cry with you as my heart goes out to you and your pain. I know what it feels like and it is a hurt nobody can relate to unless they have felt it. I wrote this poem after my first miscarriage
An emotional mess I seem to be, for I lost a life that was growing inside of me.
My heart mourns for what is now forever gone, as I sit here wondering what went wrong.
How do I get past this pain and emptyness that fills my heart, when a part of me feels so torn apart.
I know these emotions will one day fade, and the pain will go away, but for now these tears continue to come and go for a loss so fragile I never had the chance to know!
I know each day things will get better and you know that too, but it is now that is hard and the pain will go away, but never forgotten. I think people are afraid to say anything or don't know what to say. They just ignore it and talk about everyday life, but right now your life is at a stand still and I know how that feels inside. For what I have read about you, you are a strong woman and have been through alot and you will find that strength within and get past this to find out answers through another doctor who will help you achieve your next pregnancy that will end in you holding the baby you so deserve and tears will be of happiness!!!!!!!
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Oneandonlymel - what a great poem. I took out my journal this morning to write in. I wrote in it after my last m/c and had put it away thinking that it would be my one and only m/c. Ignorant me.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Good luck with your u/s. You deserve that little bundle of joy.
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Fortyfour,
You can always come online here and talk to us. Although I have never experienced m/c, my heart goes out to you. I'll bet it's one of the most difficult things a woman can go through, especially when you have such a hard time to get pregnant in the first place.
I remember last year when I got a false positive on my HPT, (it was not 10 days past my HCG shot, and no one told me it could give me a false positive) I went around for a full day thinking I was pregnant. :( For 2 weeks after that, the moment I opened my eyes every morning, my world came crashing down and I would cry all morning. And that was for a baby that I was never pregnant with. I thought I was never going to shake the blues. So I can only imagine when it's the real deal taken away from you.
I am sending you lots of hugs too. If there is one thing I have realized in my last couple of years in infertility treatments, is that people are really disappointing. You think you have all these great people in your life, and they take the wind out of your sails every chance they get. I just don't think they realize how heartbroken and fragile infertile women are! It really messes with your mind.
Just be sad as long as you need to. You have every right to be in mourning. It's a horrific loss after being so excited about those little babies. All of us understand the heartache of not having a little one to hold and nurture. So when you are feeling sad, just remember you have lots of friends here who care about you and are thinking of you.
Wantsbaby2
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oneandonly - beautiful poem. I've experienced 3 miscarriages and felt the incredible loss. I'll never forget those babies and often wonder how life would have been had they been ok.
44 - again, I just have to say that I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss. I remember having people say stupid things to me like maybe my babies were deformed and it's better this way and so many other dumb things. I guess people just don't know what to say. Or don't think first most of the time. Like wantsbaby2 said, if you haven't been there, there is no way to understand the loss and emptiness. Those people just don't get it. I wish they could get some compassion and realize how much words can hurt. In the meantime, every person on this board wishes they could fix things for you and ease your pain. For now, we can only send our well wishes and prayers and hope that you soon get the baby that is so deserving of such a wonderful woman for a mother. Karen
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I am new to this board and its been a year since I miscarried twins at 6mos. I am still feeling the effects of a depression that I never thought was possible. I truly can say I know what your going through. I was on bed rest for the entire pregnancy trying so desperately to keep them alive. One died 3 weeks before the other and I carried both until I delivered. My advice to you is not to hold on to the grief. It will devastate you. Find a way to let it go. If you are spiritual, Pray, If you are not go for a walk daily, get physical. I am trying again using IVF but I am very fearful (of everything, the death of a loved one can do that to you). I will keep you in my prayers. :)
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You ladies are awsome. I feel much better just knowing that people understand. It will be hard to forgive some people for their reactions but you have to in order to go on.
Today feels like a new day and that life may actually be good again. I hope that feelings holds for a few hours anyway.
We will get the reports back on the fetal tissue in about 4 weeks so that is something to look forward to. Seeing if there is an answer out there. We see the new doc in 10 days and that makes me feel better. We get 80% of our money back from the old doc and that makes me feel even better. I will see my ob soon and get my 21 tubes of blood drawn and that is a good feeling.
I understand now that this is what my journey is supposed to hold. I may not like it but it is my journey none the less. I am grateful for all of you and the few people in my life that make it all better. I thank God for a great husband and all my animals.
Take care all and thanks again for your kind words.
Kellegirl -- I cant imagine the grief you must have felt. I am physical and since I am now feeling better I have resumed my intense walks with my dogs. Some days I cry the whole way and feel so much better on the way back. Letting go of the grief is great way to look at it. Thank you so much.
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 | pj - September 7 |
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i'm so sad with you about your babies. what a wonderful idea to remember them with a necklace. they will always be close to your heart.
it's okay not to smile, and it's okay to tell people you don't want to right now. let them know how to help you.
when i hear all the horrible things people say to women who m/c, i wonder sometimes. i think other people don't want to deal with the pain so they say things that make themselves feel better regardless of how it makes you feel. they don't understand that you don't have the option of not feeling the pain.
i know it's hard to feel strong right now, but believe us when we tell you that you are an amazing woman with strength beyond what you can imagine.
nothing takes away the pain of losing a baby, but with lots of mourning and lots of time, it does find a way to reposition itself in your life.
at the risk of being one of those people who shares unhelpful things, here is a poem i wrote on the occasion of my best friend's m/c. it is for all who go through it:
no pitter patter on the floor.
no little feet running through the door.
the precious heart that you chose to love
is now in heaven with God above.
may the Spirit hold you with each new morrow,
and gently guide you through your sorrow .
you are in my prayers -pj
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 | Meg - September 7 |
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Fortyfour,
Despite having a successful p/g, I still think of the 3 babies that I lost. When people make comments about how lucky I am, I always wholeheartedly agree, but I always make sure to tell them that I lost 3 babies to m/c, b/c they too were part of my life if only for a short time. Never let people make you think that you are not entitled to grieve over the loss of your babies. People are complete idiots. I am so very sorry that you have to deal with such heartless people and comments.
With my first m/c I wrote a letter to my baby just to let him/her know that they will always be remembered. I pray every night for our angel babies to watch over and protect us. Oddly enough I believe they have done their job and believe that they really are with us. Whenever there have been close calls I know those angel babies are protecting us. It always gives me comfort and I will forever keep those babies close to my heart, as I know that you will too. I know that your angel babies are watching over you and will help you through this difficult time. Please take care 44; I am still praying for you and sending many hugs your way :)
Meg
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pJ - what a great letter and poem. Thank you so much for both.
Meg - I really do feel the babies with me. I will have alot of people waiting for me in heaven when I go. I wonder if having m/c's guarantees us a place.
I have my monthly bunco dice group in 2 weeks and I am nervous about going. Most of the ladies are great but some are such snits. I hope I dont throw any out the front door. I thought about not going until next month. If I feel too fragile I wont go.
Take care all. Baby dust to all.
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44, I am so sorry you are not feeling well. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. We are all hear to talk to you about the good and the bad. YOu have been a rock we have all leaned on and now it is time for you to lean on us.
I also have a monthly group that used to play Bunco. Now we meet and play Pokeno. I hope you are able to go and the problem girls just keep their mouths shut!!!!
Take care and know we are here for you.
Justme
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