New to this after TTC 9yrs!
5 Replies
duckles2000 - November 6

This is the first time I've looked at or participated in a forum/message board, although I've been TTC for 9 years! Considering that my DH (39yrs) and I (37yrs) don't talk much about feelings because he doesn't want to go there, I'm figuring out that I've been keeping a lot inside (duh) and should probably start talking about it. When we first started TTC, I didn't ovulate AND later on we found out he has sperm antibodies. Currently going through IUI again after a 5 year break from fertility treatments after m/c following IUI. Need some advice about how to approach hubby about emotional support.


jmr67 - November 11

Hi duckles - I think you have done a great thing for yourself by coming to this board. I do understand not getting alot of emotional support from DH. Some men just don't know how I guess. The only thing you really can do is tell him what you need and be very specific. If you do it in a non-threatening non-judgemental way maybe he will give it a shot. If he can't, I have found reaching out on these boards or making friends with other women with infertility issues has been tremendously helpful. Just remember while each situation is different in some way, we all have the same dreams of having a child. Good luck :)


duckles2000 - November 16

Thanks, that's solid and practical advice. I think I have to make sure I think things out before I bring it up with him, rather than waiting until I'm strung out and stressed out during the 2ww. I've got 4 more days to go to see if my last IUI attempt without using the injectables worked or not. The next step is moving up to the injectable drugs and IUI for 1 or 2 tries. Getting on waiting list for IVF. Oddly enough, the toughest part was deciding when I was ready to move on to this stuff, which sounded so scary when I started. Now, it just seems a natural progression to take these next steps. Why was I so freaked out about it before? Having read about other women's experiences with all this stuff, it just seems, well, normal! I guess I needed to view it from the viewpoint of other women who are going through what I am. :)


VirtualMR - November 29

Hi duckless2000

Want to share some feelings and thoughts with you.
I am a the husband of a really wonderful woman, who has been very sorry and grieving about fertility issues.
I can not tell you enough how powerless and sorry feel about her. Seeing her hope after pills and shots and then falling appart after having a negative outcome.
As men we are educated to be the "strong" part and "boys don't cry". This makes us very difficult to show our feelings.
My beloved wife has supported me by listening to me, although our desire for a baby is very uneven. She listens to me in a silent but interested way, no criticism, arguing or advise. This has helped me to open myself to her and to listen the same way. After I told her about my feelings, she came to share very deep and personal beliefs and feelings. This has made me equally open to share with her my own ones. This back and forth openness has helped us very much and both feel our relationship has become closer.
Have in mind that we, men, find difficult to share feelings, specially because how we are often educated.
Perhaps our experience can help you.

Good luck



duckles2000 - December 2

Thanks for your feedback from a male perspective. It sounds like you have a wonderful wife. I'm sure your intentions are to be encouraging to me and help me to see it from my DH's perspective. I'm sure I'm being overly sensitive, but now I just feel like I have to try to be a better wife and listen more instead of focusing on my own feelings. My husband just doesn't like talking about negative feelings, whether that's about work, fertility issues or other stuff - his opinion is that if it sucks and makes him feel bad, why would (he) want to dwell on it? And when I feel bad, he feels bad, so I end up not talking about my own feelings because I'm trying to "spare" him. Which results in me keeping things bottled up. He IS a wonderful man who loves me a lot, and would like to be supportive, but it's painful (and annoying) to literally see him start to squirm when we get into the "yucky feelings" zone. He loves me so much that he gets upset and says "I don't want to talk about it or even think about it" when I talk about making up wills or estate planning because he doesn't want to think about me dying. I have no doubts that he loves me with all his heart. He just has a strong aversion to bad feelings.

I need opportunities to talk about my feelings without having to worry about my feelings affecting his; it's being able to talk to people who understand what I'm going through without being directly affected or involved. That's why I thought maybe talking with other people online would allow me to explore my feelings about all this and normalize my experience.

I'm very sad that your wife has gone through tough times and very glad that you two are able to become closer as a result of it. Many good things are born out of bad experiences.


Marie H - August 2

I got onto this site for some info on permanent contraception but my husband refuses to get the "snip".

I have been on the pill since I was 13yrs, to regulate my period, I had endrometryosis (sorry if I have misspelt) so we were suprised when we found out I was pregnant after four years together at 25yrs of age (becoming pregnant definiitely helped sort things out). We have two wonderful children, but we both DEFINITELY do not want to have anymore children, our youngest is 10yrs and we're not young ones anymore.

I have always been the one in the marriage to be responsible for birth control. I no longer am on the pill. I started having undesirable effects, small blood vessels on my face bursting and skin discolouration. Doctors said that after so many years I should go off the pill. I stopped taking the the pill, my skin got better, the problems at least stopped occuring, and I feel heaps better physically.

I do not want to get my tubes tied as I feel I have already gone through enough in that department and don't want to push my luck. It wouldn't be so bad if my husband was happy to use condoms, but after a year he doesn't want to use them anymore. I'm terrified of falling pregnant and have told him how I feel, he still won't even consider having the "snip".

So now it's been four months... abstinence. He has been trying, to no avail but he is done talking about it contraception. I feel that his refusal to take his part (or any part) in the responsiblity shows a lack of respect and caring. It's a real turn-off for me that he seems so selfish and inconsiderate. We both know many men who have had the "snip", voluntarily, with no problems.

Has anyone had the same problem? Has anyone any solutions? I am very frustrated and a little depressed about my situation with the man who has been my partner in life for 18years.



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