28 Replies
RJ - August 31

Ok, man this is a big effort for me but here I go ... Ladies I have azoospermia, zero count. And here is my effort to share and help?, such that you may help me.
Bio = 40yrs, married 5, wife is AWESOME, outdoor type, Christian / follower of Christ. My wife, we, had our first IUI two weeks ago ... in crushed me! I cryed like I never cried, on the way to the docs office. I never said no. I am usually good at expressing my feelings and am medium at sharing emotions but this has crushed me. See my wife is only second to Christ. I work to make her happy, be her loving man, and protect her. Now I must forewarn, don't jump in your husbands face after you read this, it will take some more discussion and I can only share how I feel. Your husband may not feel the same way. Men are soon hard headed ... he needs to talk to a Pastor or senior mentor, someone he holds respect for ... focus on separating pride/pitty from the real hurt. While I have all the symptoms of your DH's, I struggle to share, very reserved, as not to hurt my wife = pulling away from my wife. I'm angry! I'm Hurt. This is worse that a death in the respect that everyone shares in the death, the loss, and grief. Now, I know you suffer from his infertility, you hurt, and you are doing the IUI! Worse than death, yes, because, hmmm, because 1. I can not give my wife that precious baby. 2. While we have a child, AND I WILL LOVE THAT CHILD = wife now #3 ...hee,hee, just kidding. Second to Christ is wife now becomes 'relationship!' ... I will never have the joy of my biological child, hold on that is not being self-centered, it is just, just a desire a dream I have had, that God gave me at birth that I desire/want , its a want that is so deep in my soul. Now it is a loss! ok ... soon now all the rest(IUI, another mans child, bla,bla) just becomes parts of a pitty party that I want no part in ... to deal with that i pull away, as I do not want to tell my wife, are you crazy! it is for 'better or worse', I cant thus you cant! NO, I like your husbands said yes and it hurts. You did not hurt me. More later----


sblanton2 - August 31

I do not mean to get too personal but have you been to a specialist yet? The reason I am asking is that my husband also has azoospermia, we did a lot of testing. Tyhe last was a testicular biopsy done in March to see if he was producing sperm. Often a man who has no sperm in ejaculate still produces it but it doesn't work its way out so to speak. In my husband's case we found out he is producing healthy mature sperm but has an obstruction somewhere (they have not found it yet). At this point we are not looking to solve that problem we are scheduled for IVFw/ICSI. They will take my husband's sperm directly from his testicle(his left was removed when he was 17). It might be a good idea to get a testicular biopsy before you give up on your dreams of a biological child.

Best of luck,


RJ - August 31

Good advice, not personal.

It either IUI or find out my deal due to $. Which is ok, so to speak. Since I have a high FSH (36) the chances are slim? and lean toward failure. I am reluctant to see a specialist because ... well I have done a lot of research and discernment within and $ wise the IUI path seems better for my wife and with less risk ... what can I say, she has dealt with this for three years while I am only at three months, thus she is ready for children. My fault sure, and I would not ask her to wait as well as the $ involved in IVF.


sblanton2 - August 31

Your urologist can do the biopsy, that is who performed my husbands, and as to the expense of IVF I am not trying to trivialize it but where there is a will there is a way. It sounded as if you are a Christian so you must trust God for the answers. It wouldn't hurt to at least ask your urologist about the biopsy and see where that takes you right? Just a thought.


Ginger - October 28

Hi there,
it's so nice to know that not all men are like my DH.
We have been married 4 years and I still don't understand what the heck made me marry him. He's so emotionless that is surprising. He's a doctor and I feel sorry for his patients.

I left my job to follow him in his last year of training also becuase I wanted to have a child (I'm 35 yo). He convinced me every year that there was time that I was still young.

It's been 9 month of TTC and guess what, I have a diminished ovarian reserve. His comment was that I was below the average and he could have not predicted that to happen.

Also he said that I probably knew that I had a problem and I didn't tell him...

His SA was perfect and that made him look at me like some kind of damaged good. He's so proud of his "boys" that I was actually hoping he had a little problem as well. Just to attack his ego.

I stayed at his side for 6 long years of training and miserable life, investing in a family (for me) and investing in a career (for him).

Look at me now, I am 35, no career, no family and scared that my DH is going to find an excuse to leave me. He even said that I should look for a "sperm donor ".

I love him for those glimpse of humanity that he shows once in awhile. Also, he's my only chance to have a child. If I had the guts I would leave him.

I am feeling so alone it's not even funny.



Fortyfour - October 29

Ginger - If you are that unhappy and want to leave him maybe you should not have babies. Single parenting is really tough. Not easy on the kids either. Sorry, had to respond.


Jessica - March 17

I am new to this, but I have a problem with my DH and he is sometimes so negative about the problem. I had a miscarriage and he blames me for it. HE thinks that I am never going to be able to get preagnet. I just don't like this negative vibe he sometimes gives me. I don't know how I can make him understand.


love2Bparents - March 17

I think this is a stressful road we are on anyway…that hubby’s may not know how to deal with it really well. As for me I am pretty darn surprised at “how well” my hubby is doing emotionally/supportive towards me. I know what has been working and my hubby tells me often is that he can’t feel what I am going through but what I do is every time the Dr gives me another Rx or infertility plan I make sure I research (for my own piece of mind) but I keep a copy and put it on the refrigerator that way hubby can take a look at it and read the symptoms, side effects, & possible emotional rollercoaster I will be going through in the up coming days.

Good Luck everyone & Baby Dust to you all~


VirtualMR - November 29

Dear ladies of this forum

Let me introduce myself.
I am the husband of a truly incredible, wonderful, beautiful brunette woman, with long hair, sexy shape, big bright eyes and loving smile. We live out of the US.
Although she eagerly wants a baby, and I do not feel the same desire, I have been accompanying her through the process.
Let me share with you, that as a man, I am supposedly to be "strong" and "boys don't cry" but this process has been very difficult to me too. See her hope increasing after taking her pills or having her shot, then her grief after having a dreadful negative result.
I feel tremendously sorry and powerless to ease her pain, although I listen to her and she always thanks with love my supportive listening.

It should be great to have some kind of "boys" forum, bc I think that man's pain is very often overlooked.

My best wishes for all of you and good luck to every one.



Amanda Ivey - December 17

Hi All,
I would like to share my ttc experience with all of you and give the only advice that I know every relationship differs but it might work. I have learned through my experience of ttc that not everyone reacts the same to stressful situations or the loss of an unborn child. While TTC I was so stressed that whenever my husband didn't react the way I wanted him to I would lash out on him, soon after I realized that if I didn't stop doing this I would going to push my husband, bestfriend, and partner out of my life so one day we decided to just have one LOOONNGGG talk and not talk about it anymore, but express our hurt through holding eachother and at the same time consoling eachother. I then started to take notice to all the little things he would do as well as the big things while ttcing, Like stand outside of the bathroom door while I took my ept and when it came up neg, he would grab me and hold me. On BD nights he would decorate the room with flowers and candles and always hae a card lying on the bed with something sweet written on the inside for me when I came home from work, Doing research of his own and making suggestions. We would spend most of our stressful nights quiet lying together and holding one another(when you are quiet there's no room for an argument) I was still stressed and I know he saw it because, 2 months later he told me that he didn't want to try anymore...I spent the whole day crying I even made a post here about it, it boiled down to he was tired of seeing me stressed and sad and feeling like I maybe I wasn't good enough, so we decided until the time came we would just appreciate and focus on the family we had, me, him and our 2 dogs (his german rott and my little chihuahua) well that next month I found out I had gotten pregnant a few days after that conversation, it was DEC the 13th and I wrapped the ept inside the box and wrappe the box also, when he arrived home that afternoon I told him he had a christmas present, he opened it took a look and asked what it meant, I told him pos and he didn't say a word,just stood there with a fearful look on his face and told me that he was happy, even though it was not the reaction I was looking for I learned to read him and knew he was still afraid from the two miscarriages before, he proved to me how happy he was through out my whole nine months, my not allowing me to do anything but eat and watch t.v and shop along with him because he wanted to carry the bags. He would cook clean, do the laundry and bring me plates of food. At 7 months when I had a cold he refused to let me get anything for myself he even wiped my nose a few times when I thought he was just handing me the tissue. I say all this to let you ladies know that things do get better so hold on love eachother and hang in there. I am so glad I decided to stop letting the stress of having a child drive us apart....I could never have prayed for a better friend, husband, and life long partner, nor could I have never asked for a better dad for my now 3 month (almost four,,,in 2 days) son.


vidia1103 - December 18

Me and my hubby are usually pretty good with talking to each other. Except for ttc. He seems so uninterested. I like to talk about baby names, and stop and look at baby clothes while we are out shopping, you know just talk and give myself a little hope for the future but all I can get out of him is " we'll talk about it when theres actually a baby on the way" It kinda hurts my feelings. And if by some miracle I can actually get him to say something about it Im lucky to get more than a sentence. I always ask him about it. He almost makes me feel like maybe he really doesnt want a baby. ???He just says I do want a baby. I just dont show it like you want me to. Its not that its just I want him to show a little something. Or maybe even him come at me with the topic or give me ideas about things we want for oour baby when we finally do conceive. I personally need to be able to talk about it and dream and think about it to keep from giving up. And I especially need it from the man I love. Does anyone else agree?


Amanda Ivey - December 21

I know how you feel. When I first decided to end the subject with him, I felt the same way....This was the point where I stopped forcing a reaction out of him. SOME men start showing, once you get pregnant, then it calms down until the u/s then when the baby comes, for some men it's not real until it happens. If he's your motivation to keep going then, find a way to talk it out with him...The difference is when I was ttc, even though he wasn't really interested in the baby aisle, he knew to act as if he cared about the little dresses ( I had a boy) HA! and I guess I can appreciate that. He even started looking up things to help us along....well once I calmed down and stopped hounding him.


Raisinette - May 14

My husband is more the emotional wreck than I am, actually. I can adjust to living as a family of two, but not him. I am happy to adopt and have family support. He likes the idea of adoption, but has little support from his family, which causes a lot of stress. He feels less like a man because he "can't get his wife pregnant." I don't care if our children are "biological" or not. To me, we are all children of God, part of one humanity.

The stress of it all has been hard on our sex life. I waited until I was married to have sex (I got married at 28 years old) and we've had problems in the bed room ever since our honeymoon. I have a high libido, but it is quickly being beaten down to hardly anything.

No one ever told me how fraught with difficulty producing a new life would be. It isn't just about husband and wife, but our whole families, our culture, our communities. What is it to be an infertile couple!?!



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