Coping with inability to talk to partner
11 Replies
munchie - April 8

Since we found out our fertility issues are in all likelyhood connected to my husbands low count, motility and morphology, talking about next steps has been close to impossible without extremely high emotions to the point where we just can't talk about it.

Does anyone have any advice? I am completely lost on how to talk about next steps without causing the inevitable emotional outburst. I feel very guilty bringing it up, because it feels like I'm adding salt to an already very large wound time and again. And every month it seems to get worse.


Arabsrcool - April 9


well that is a really hard issue. Its one my dh and I struggled with also early on. We acted like it didn't exist for quite some time, until the desire to have a child finally won out and we talked about it (in small increments) You also have to really try and be emotionless as you can be, almost like you are talking about someone else's issues. YOu have to be really careful not to place blame, but just see how far your dh is willing to go to have a child. If IVF is an option, go that route. If his counts are not good enough for IVF (he has to have almost no sperm at all not be be good enough), would he consider a sperm donor? It is terribly hard to get the conversation started, but the topic is just hanging between the two of you. If you broach the subject and he shuts down or gets angry, just drop it, give him some time to process. Hope that helps.


Marina - April 10

I agree with Ronda,at first,this is very hard for their ego :-\ and it depends how bad they want to have kids.My DH was blaming himself for the problem on his part and he was ready to do anything...
If you guys cant talk on this subject,try to write him an e-mail,tell him all about your feelings,so that way he can't interrupt you.And then give him some time to think,sooner or later he'll come around.
Good luck!


munchie - April 10

Thank you for your reply's. It's my first time posting and really need some advise. We are not talking about this with anyone else yet (ie. extended family & friends) but everyone knows we're having problems because they've stopped asking us when "we're going to have kids" which in it's own weird way- adds to the pain.

We tried a spermwash in the fall and discussed IVF for the New Year. I know he wants a family becasue we communicated really well about it before the holiday break. Starting this conversation back up is where I am stuck. I will take your advise about writing it down. Thanks, I'll let you know how it goes.


munchie - April 14

I wrote things down and we had a chat. Thanks - at least we talked about it - some snappig and bitching - but mostly productive.

Parts of what I wrote down made him furious, but we got through it and committed to going next month for IVF (if needed - hopefully first and last try)

Things are still 'odd' between us, so I'm hoping it's just the unknown, uncertainty, etc... - does that weirdness ever go away while you're trying? Feels like we're not on the same wavelength. We've been together for 15years - first time feeling 'lonely' - very weird. I guess it is grief for the loss of the option for the 'natural' process.


Arabsrcool - April 14


WEll, the hardest part is over, you started the converstation.

Things might feel "odd" for awhile because its all just so very personal, even with the person you are closest with. The "weirdness" does go away, it gives out to worry and waiting during the IVF cycle. But it is all worth it.!



Marina - April 14

Good progress,girl!
now tell him,that he is not only one with this kind of issues,there are milllions others in the same boat.In fact,40% of infertility cases because of the men!And it's not important who's falt is this,what matters is if you can correct this.You are even.But i'll tell you what,without suggar cover,it's not going to be easy,your sex life will be scrued for a LOOONG time,it's an emotional roller coster and before you start,you have to be on the same page with your partner,have a full support from him,explain him all the detals os the process,so it's not going to be a big surprise for him some of the parts in a process.
Maybe you should sit down with him and do your own reserch before you go see specialist,see all the steps in a process.


twinmama - July 12

Gosh, I feel so much of what you are going through. You are just starting out so it will take some time. This is one of the least addressed topics of marital/life stress and one of the most severe.....up there with divorce, death, etc. Give yourselves a break and time to heal. Your hubbie is most likely grieving his condition. My hubby and I began trying to concieve in 2006, and
found out in Feb 2007 that his has azoospermia. He had a testicular biopsy and we found what sperm we could find for IVF-ICSI. 4 embies transfered in May 2007, and no success. Went to Cornell in NYC-supposedly the "experts" in male infertility, but were not impressed. We stayed in our hometown and did another procedure called TESE. I had a concurrent egg retrieval and we had donor sperm as a back up. We got one fertilized embryo with my hubby, and 3 with the donor. The Dr.s showed us all of the embies side by side and the one with my hubby's sperm did not look normal. We transferred 2 with donor and now I am 11 wekks pregnant with twins! ;D My husband is excited, and feels he did everything he could do....and he did, with having his testes cut open twice! That's a real man, tell ya! I can still see the numbness behind all this in him though. He still feels like he's insignificant in the process of me being pregnant. I keep telling him that I would never be pregnant without him being the father, no matter where the children come from. He matters!!! But still, I can see the sadness in his eyes. He knows he will never have biological offspring and he is sad. Let your husband be sad, angry, or whatever. Emotions need to be felt and expressed. Our initimacy has been very affected. Mainly these days because of the testicle surgery, then I was doing my IVF meds, etc, feeling bloated...and then with being pregnant in the beginning I was nauseous and so tired. It's been 3 months since we had sex.....and then like 2 months before that!!! We are finally ready to get back in the saddle. Especially before I get too huge and then the kids come and before you know it we'll be lucky to find time here and there for a roll in the hay. I know this is long, but I have so much to share. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted on your progress. I know it is not easy. We laid low for so long people wondered what was wrong with is. Just remember, that your hubby is the one who's probably having the hardest time, but not able to really express it as well as we ladies do. Give it time. LOTS of time.


Marina - July 13

Twinmama- wow girl,I was so moved by your story.He is a great guy,your hubby.I wish you guys safe pregnancy and all the happiness with your babies.!


twinmama - July 13

Thank you! You are such a sweet heart. I read some of your other posts on other boards I wanted to know your story. wow, I am so sad for your miscarriage. but here you are going for it again. As we speak! I can't wait to find out how it goes.


Marina - July 13

Thank you,Tina too.I really hope it will happen for us this time.Join us on that other board "IVF anyone?",we are really nice group of women,very supportive.We have one girl pregnant with twins and one even with triplets!Feel free to join us,share your story,ask questions,we all here for you!


Marie33 - July 25

Just curious twinmama... Did your DH have any chromosomal abnormalities- Is that why the 1 embie didn't look normal? I am new to all of this and am just trying to decide what steps to take from here???



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