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Hi Girls, how are you guys today? Me, I could be much better...I got neg results, but still no AF visit..I mean I sit and I cry, I don't know what the freak is wrong !!!! I don't know which is worst, not being able to get pregnant or not being able to have a sucessful pregnancy...I know your not supposes to question God, but I so desperatly want to know ,why did you give any hope at all, then take it away? I'm so hurt, confused and angry(actually I'm down right mad) I just keep telling myself God has to have something greater in store for me (again I question) What can be greater than motherhood? Okay well I am experiancing motherhood currently we are raising DH's son from a previous relationship the baby has no idea that i am not his birth mom and she has no say so in what we do with the baby, but , oh well ...I'm going to give this until ovulation point in August then I think I'm going to pick up a couple of jobs(currently I'm a stay at home mom) to work out some excess stress and stuff take my mind off of things... Weazie, I'm with you on taking a much need break(no more charts, temps., geritol,or even checking the quality of CM)...Liz,bless you sweetie, and Slatka, I am so sorry for your lost we've all been there and I know it doesn't make it any easier, but we are here when you need us... even if, just to blow off steam(like I just did)
and I'm sure no one objects to you just jumping in thanks so much for your support and comfort it was much needed......Girls, seem like we go threw so much to get what others call mistakes and pray for miscarriages......Remamber, God has a plan and he has not forgotten about us . God has it all under control(maybe he's testing our faith)?????!!!!!!!!

You guys don't know (or maybe you do!) how great it is to read your replies of support and your stories and your hopes. In some ways, I share more with you all who may be across the country than with my surrounding family/friends.

Weazie, I was actually told by my doc to throw out my charts, calendars, excel spread sheets because they stress me out too much. I am a very organized, tendency toward stressed person (and oh, boy! Not being able to control this pregnancy thing has been quite a trip, physically and mentally, for my personality) and I thought, in some weird way, that I could "organize" and "chart" my way toward my goal. I'm learning that I (and this is just me) can't and that's a tough lesson.
And Liz, this connects to that as well: I am due for my period either June 17, 18, 19 or 20 -- my post-m/c cycles have ranged from 27 days to 31 days, so pinpointing ovulation and af is almost impossible. So I'm trying the "give it all up to nature" route this month. And thank you for your supportive words -- even your tone is comforting. July 5th will always be in your mind (as will Oct. 24 for me) -- maybe think of it in terms of the near holiday: a new start, a liberation, the birth of something new -- you never know...
Oh, Trina, if you could hear my conversations with god!...How come the woman on Oprah who abuses her children and screams at them and hits them gets to have 5 kids? How come Britney Spears had a baby and got pregnant again immediately? It seems so easy for others...Is it a test of us? I don't know. It is a cruel one, if that. I swing between feeling this is a tragedy for ME, a curse directed at ME that I must overcome...and the feeling that it has nothing to do with me at all. That it is nature, that it is impersonal. Which is better? I don't know. Does it help me to know WHY this is happening? If I truly answer that question, I'm not sure if knowing the "why" helps me in the here and now (I mean the "big", spiritual why, not real physical problems or causes).
I read a great piece by Peggy Orenstein on her own miscarriage -- it's worth a read. You can find it through Google, I think.
Much support and good wishes to you all. You're an incredible group of women who are stronger than we should have to be, yet you do it with grace and with enough left over to give to others of us.

You know what guys...we are a very strong group of women to go through this day after day, month after month (sometimes minute by minute) to get the same, I feel like I got screwed results. It has to get better!!!!
Oh, but anyway still no AF visit but I had the most (this could get graphic) amazing, best quality egg white CM ever!!!!! Have no idea, where it came from, I'm not even supposed to be ovulating now. My hubby said a woman's body is very much like her mind.....Very Complex....So true....You girls have a good night....

I have just found this website, and I too am ttc after 2 m/c and 1 chemical pregnancy. I first fell pregnant in Nov 2004 and was so excited that it never crossed my mind that I would lose it. 6 weeks in to the pregnancy I suffered brown spotting, then the most awful cramps and then red clotting etc. I waited the suggested 2 cycles and then got so scared of trying again, that I waited until June 2005 to try. This time I had a positive test, but bleed 3 days later (Chemical Pregnancy).

I arranged to see the doctor and was tested for blood clotting and also my husband and I had a chromosome count (all came back fine). I did however find out why I was having 6 week cycles and that was due to Polycystic Ovaries. He also advised me to try again, but this time to take asprin and progesterone tablets as soon as I found out I am pregnant.

On Christmas Eve I had a positive test, so started to take the asprin and progesterone tablets as the doctor suggested. I contacted the doctor and he got me in for a scan at 6 weeks, which showed nothing really out of the ordinary, although there was no heart beat. I had to go back the following week, but it hadn't grown any more and still no heartbeat, so once again I had miscarried.

I was advised that I would probably miscarry naturally and if nothing had happened in 2 weeks then they would organise a DNC. Well, nothing happened and then I had to wait another week for the DNC. Those 3 weeks were awful!

Anyway, that was January and now we are in June and I am ttc again. I ovulated about 7 days ago, so I am waiting patiently to see if anything has happened this month. As suggested by the doctor I am taking asprin every day.

If nothing has happened this month I am going to contact my doctor, because I said to him that as my cycles are 6 - 7 weeks, I am not getting the same chance as somebody on a normal 4 week cycle, so he said if I wasn't pregnant by June he would put me on Clomid to force ovulation.

So that is my sad story. Miscarriage seems to be a really taboo subject and it is really positive to be able to share my story with women who have been going through the exact same thing as me.

All I knew when I started TTC that women got pregnant and had a baby, and I know for alot of very lucky women this is indeed what happens, but for a lot of women it just doesn't happen like that does it?

Trina76 is right, we really are a bunch of very stong women. We have to be and we have to remain determined and think positive that successful pregnancy really is going to happen to us all one day.

;D

Hello everyone. I am sorry I haven't been here for a couple of days. I have been extremely busy, which is good, keeps my mind of the fact I am on the clomid again and wed. i start my ultra sounds and blood work.

Trina, I am so sorry for your neg result. I know have badly you wanted it to be positive. We all wanted that for you as well. My heart and prayers go out to you.

HilUK, welcome to the site. I am sorry to hear of your losses. I wish you the best of luck this round. This site is truly amazing as Slatka said it is great to be able to receive some of the support you need. Please feel free to write as often as you like, talking to others who know what you are going feel realy does make you feel better.

Slatka, I know exactly what you are saying about wondering why it is happening to you. I get so angry when I see this women having babies and they don't want them, they abuse them or abuse themselves and the children suffer. It makes me so mad when all I want in the world is to conceive and have a healthy baby. I do believe that God tests our strengh. Everyday is a test for us. Sometimes it is so hard not to question God and his plan for us, however I do always try to just say "God has my plan."

Good for you guys in throwing out your charts. I honestly believe that the stree of "trying" often causes you to be unable to get pg. I know personally for me my dh has trouble when I say "we have to do it now". Its tough on them, its like intercourse on demand. This month I am planning on not telling hubby that its time. Maybe if he is not under the pressure it may go better. One can hope right?

You guys have a great day. Again thanks for all your updates and support. It is wonderful to have this site and all of you.

Hi Guys , just wanted to jump in and say hi to all the ladies going throught the "Storm of Conception, Again~"
I hope everone is well, and highly favored in the Lord's plan... I'm doing pretty good, still riding the "emotional rollercoaster"...Still no A/F, or A/F symptoms, or any other kind of symptoms. So, I guess this is CD#35, I haven't charted in two days, it was becoming way too stressful...I think I'm going to stop the vitamins, too.
I'm gong to try to reduce the stress and see what nature does for me......You Guys Be Blessed & Have A Good One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Hi All -- I live in DC and we've been lucky with such beautiful weather these past few days (usually, it's hot and humid at this point). I try to take walks and let the breeze and the sun infuse me with hope (of which I'm in short supply -- hard to keep up month after month after month, etc.). I'm sure you guys do the same up and down through the month ("This is it!" "No, it's not") -- it sounds like Trina's working through the rollercoaster as I write: put aside the charts for a while, the body will do what it does.
This month I'm trying more active distraction to get me through; my greatest enemy seems to be Time: conception is taking too much time, I am running out of time as I age, the physical reason it is taking so much time to get pregnant, not meeting the life goals I set in time...My job this month is to let go of that pressure, trying to learn that, despite years of trying, I -- surprise! -- cannot control time.
Good luck to all of you and patience and hope to those of you, like me, who are entering the two week post-ovulation waiting. What is, is. Hang in there! Express yourselves and take comfort in each other. Whether we realize it or not, we have each become a part of each other's journey through this site.

Since having a miscarriage I have become exactly what I didn't want to be and that is obsessed. We had never really wanted children and then after 12 yrs of marriage that changed for us. We decided we would try if it happened we would be thrilled if not we would still be happy how our life together has been. It took a year to get pregnant, I wasn't stress each month while trying and never even bothered to chart, a few times I used OPK's but that was it.
Getting pregnant and having a miscarriage has changed everything. Now we both want this so bad it was driving me crazy. I started charting, I bought a fertility monitor, Ovulex, Preseed, and plotting my schedule at work for my days off to be when I was ovulating so there was no missing out....lol
I'm half way thru the two week wait. I've stopped charting, taking ovulex and trying not to focus on every little twinge, cramp or symptom I think I am getting. Trying to get myself back to the frame of mind I had before the miscarriage.
I'm 35 and think I just started to panick that I need to make this happen. If I have no success this month I will see my doctor and talk to him about options or test but I can't keep being obsessed like I was the last 3 months.
I think it is hard because we read about conceiving and have educated ourselves so much on the topic but that doesn't mean we can make it happen when we decide it should.
Hope all is well and you are all in my thoughts.

Hi Weazie,

Thanks for your post. Its nice to know you are not the only one obsessed. Sometimes I think I am going to go crazy and deep inside I know that can not be healthy for me either. Unfortunatly I am a worrier to begin with so this even harder on me emotionally. I feel so much like it has to happen now! I think sometimes I am making myself sick with worry.

I wish you the best of luck in your 2ww and will keep my fingers crossed you get a bfp!

Liz

Hi All -- Liz, Weazie, Trina and new HilUK -- I feel like I haven't been on in ages, but I guess it's only been a week or so. I'm in the "determined not to think about it" 2 week waiting period. It is amazing what a mental struggle it is, how I have to work to convince myself to be positive. I say to myself, you're 33, you have time, one miscarriage doesn't mean you'll have another, be calm and that will help. But this little spirit inside keeps pushing and nagging at me, am I? Am I not?
I do have a question (that I know prob. doesn't have a defined answer): I am due for my period in roughly 7 days; about 4 days ago, I began having mild cramps, no spotting, just occasional cramps on and off during the day up til today. I have, of course, devised about 12 different explanations for this: could be really really early period cramps, I could be having an (odd for me) 21 day cycle, my body just feels like cramping -- I don't know. It all seems negative to me. The earliest I can test is probably this weekend.
I, like many of you, am an anxious person and I do feel like Liz that I want it to happen now. I can just se myself in the next few days, feeling just so empty -- literally -- as my period comes yet again.
Blah! Sorry so negative right now. I guess I'm setting myself up for the neg. pregnancy test -- I'm trying to get the hurt over now (we all know how that doesn't quite work....)
Slatka

Hi all , hope everyone is well. I am really frustrated today as AF started so I start all over AGAIN!! I did go and see my doctor yesterday because since last week had a pain in my left side. He couldn't feel anything but did order an ultra sound. Once we get the ultra sound results back we will discuss other options and doing some test. Now I am lookling at July before that happens.
Questions for you all. Not sure if anyone else had a d&c, but since your miscarriage have your cycles been different? I never had cramps before and was always 28 days. I now have horrible cramps every month starting sometimes a week before AF is due. I also now during ovulation and after the strangest twinges and pain I never had before. My cycles have been 35 days, 32 days, 28 days and now this month 26 days. Just wondering how long it takes for our bodies to get back too normal.

Slatka I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, hoping you get a BFP.

Hi Slatka and Weazie,

Slatka, I feel you hard to handle 2ww. It is always a rough time. I found the more I try to keep busy the better it is. I make sure I have something to do from the time I wake up to the time I got to bed. Sure it still sneaks up on me, but I try very hard not to think about it constantly.
In answer to your question about the cramping. That could very well be a good sign or it could be a negative sign. When I was the preg the last time I had cramping around the same time you are describing. I was on Clomid the last 2 months and I had cramping around the same time, but af always came. (don't mean to sound negative). I do believe that my cramping was from the hormone change in my body with the Clomid, sooooo again it may be a good sign for you. I will keep you in my thougths for a BFP!!!! Please let us know how you are making out.

Weazie,
Sorry to hear about you visit from af. I think we can all relate to your disappointment. Try to keep a positive attitude and look forward to trying again. I know it is easier said then done!
I had a d&c in Dec. My cycle went right back to pre preg. I did have some spotting about 5 days after my d&C. I ovulated 14 days after the d&c and af arrived on day 28. It was that way for me from then on, right back on track. When it did change for me was in May I began taking Clomid, had a great cycle, but no preg. In June I began the Clomid again and when I went for my day 11 ultra sound and blood work they descovered that I ovulated already. They say it had to do with a left over follicle that was still producing hormones, howeve I feel it had to do with the Clomid. I have never in my life been irregular and now here I am with a very very short cycle after taking Clomid. They don't seem to think that is the problem but I do and am very skeptical about taking it again.
I don't know if this helped at all. Just remember that everyone is different and our bodies are all different. Did you discuss this with you doc? If not it might be worthwhile (just a suggestion)!

Take care,
Liz

HI all, especially Liz and Weazie. Thank you for your words of support -- my husband hears all about you guys and the encouragement we all try to give one another. I sure do need it, especially since everyone around me seems to be pregnant! But me, of course.
Weazie, I talked to my doc about my cycle post-miscarriage. Mine, too, have been "different." Pre-m/c I was 31-35 day cycle; now I fluctuate all over, from 27 to 30, with 3 weeks of mild cramps (how fun!). I know this isn't a HUGE difference, but it is when you're trying to pinpoint ovulation. The doc said post-m/c your hormones will take awhile to regulate (its been about 3 1/2 months for me); they are surging at unusual times. So, really, though it's annoying, it's nothing to worry about. After about 6 months I'll check up on it again, if I'm not regular.
And Liz, I came to similar conclusions; it was good to hear your experience. I've been reading up on the cramping and I found lots of evidence of women cramping in early pregnancy AND (here's the negative) lots of evidence that it's just early pre-menstrual cramping. So there is no answer. It's too tempting to spend hours on those pregnancy/conception sites, getting caught up in the possibilities.
Every month, every month, when I've been disappointed for so long, I still have hope; I still confuse the onset of af with possible pregnancy; I still wonder if I should "commit" to buying that box of tampons; I still try to make bargains with god and my body. You'd think after being beaten down by this for so long, I'd give it up. But I haven't...and I know you women haven't, either, and that makes a huge difference and inspiration to me.
So, my next question is, how soon should I haul out the hpt? I'm due June 18, 19, 20 (because of my "crazy" cycle). Do I disappoint myself now, or later? I've already started counting the days in the beginning of July when I will ovulate next cycle...see how I protect myself???!!!
Take care, Slatka

Hello all, Slatka.

Your very welcome for the words of support and I thank you as well. I think it is so important to be able to talk to people who know what you are going through. My dh is a wonderful man and we love each other very much however it is very hard for him to understand all of this and I find it hard to talk about it with him. I love being able to talk to all of you and get feedback.

I know what you mean about pregnant women! I feel everywhere I go I see another pregnant women. I am so happy for them, but so sad for us and all the other women who are going through infertility.

I am having a tough time since my due date was 7/5/06. One of my dh's employees wife is due 7/3/06. She just found out that they will be inducing on her due date. I am happy for them, it is just hard everytime I think about both of them I think about my lost baby. :'(

Slatka,
If you didn't already take your hpt I would suggest you wait as long as possible. I know believe me I know how hard this is to do! The longer you wait the more chance you have of accuracy. If you test to early you know you always run the risk of a false negative. I know when I test early (I think we all do) and I get that negative I get depressed and thats not good for you either. If I were you I would try my hardest to wait till Monday morning. Let me know how you make out.

AF arrived Friday morning. I don't believe I have ever been so excited. Since I knew that prego was out of the question this month I have been very anxiously awaiting af so we can start over. Since I am always very regular this month was hard because I didn't know exactly when I ovulated. I feel relieved knowing now I am back on a schedule. Tuesday morning I have to go for an ultra sound to make sure that everything is clear before I began taking my Clomid again. I must tell you I am extremely nervous with the Clomid. Since this last month was such a disaster I am afraid it had to do with the Clomid screwing up my body. This is my 3 month and they recommend 3 months so I will give it one more shot. I do have an appointment Wed with the doc to discuss what the next step would be if the Clomid does not work. I am already preparing myself mentally for a neg, it is truly amazing how we protect ourselves that way.

Hope all is well with everyone and Slataka I am praying for you and that BFP!

Liz

Hi Liz, Weazie, Slatka and HilUK, I have missed you guys so much, but I really needed a break,not only did i have to get off of the emotional roller coaster of conception, I had to get out of the theme park......After my m/c, It seemed like trying to conceive, again, became my life, my world, my everything, and it seemed like everything else in life had been pushed to the side...The stress was a major pain in the u know what!!!!! So, I got my family together and we went on a road trip, From MS, to Iowa, then to IL, then back home, of course we got lost a couple time, but that's the beauty of a road trip..And just when the lovemaking was becoming fun again, A/F came to visit (after a 41 day cycle!!!!!). after our road trip we returned home, I had a couple of job offers on the voice mail and I accepted one . So I've been trying to keep myself busy but i keep thinking about the fact that my ovulation period is about to start......What is a girl to do??? You girls be good and remember you're too blessed to be stressed!!!!!!!

this is somewhat off of the subject but..... have you girls read anything about Real Egg Whites and conception? with my sensetiveness,I'll end up with the mother of all infections..