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Hi everyone-

Just checking in...this 2ww is starting to drive me nuts! :) Just wondering for those of you who have experienced the 2ww already, how limited did you make your activities? My RE said to just take it easy until the pregnancy test, but it's hard to tell what that means. I have been trying to lay around a lot and read books, watch movies, etc. I guess I am paranoid that if I walk a lot during the day that might "jostle" something. I know, I'm crazy!!!

Well so far I have been really tired and I am very BLOATED still. My stomach looks like I am already 5 months pregnant! My DH just looks at it in awe. :) I hope this bloating is a good sign. The progesterone shot soreness is now kicking in and my backside is very tender. My DH left to go to Florida for a couple of days for work so I have enlisted a very good friend to do the deed of sticking me each night with the needle.

Hope all is well with everyone else. Buckets of babydust!!

Hello lovelies!!

Shansy--I did a lot after I was "relieved" from bedrest. I took it easy and planted my heiny on the couch quite a bit, but I also did laundry, changed the bed, cleaning, went shopping, even walked the dog once or twice around the block. I don't know if you want my advice or not--I got a bfn. However, the one pregnancy I did have several months ago, I went skiing 7dpo on the coldest day of the entire winter, so who knows????

Asunflower--I am beginning to feel better about things. I suffer from mild depression and I have tried for many months to stay off my drugs simply because it is not known if they do/don't have an effect on a developing fetus. After the IVF bfn, I went back on my drugs. I decided I have to take care of myself first and come what may. I am not a basketcase or anything off the drugs, I function very normally, but I get very negative and have a hard time seeing the silver lining, if you know what I mean. They truly help me to not focus too much on one thing (infertility) but to realize there are other things going on in my world, and that is of great comfort to me. So, life is good on meds and we'll see where that takes me!

Susy--I am not as far down the ivf road as you, but I know how you feel. To me, in my mind, having a family is of primary importance--I am not concerned whether or not the babies are from my womb. My dh is another story--it is very important to him to have "our" children and while I am also excited about that possibility, I know that I will try longer than I would on my own just for his sake (does that make sense?) I am determined to give infertility a fair shake and use medicine to my full abilities, but I know that it will be me saying "I'm done w/this--let's look @ adoption" before my dh. I'm not sure if that really helps you. In my mind, it really helped to analyze my feelings about what result I really wanted out of all this--my baby or a baby. A great book I would recommend is called "When the Cradle is Empty". It's written by the founder of Bethany Christian Services so it has religious undertones, but it did me a world of good in clarifying my goals.

Lila--I am with Asunflower, I would go through with the ivf. It's not like you're allergic to water or air--you can keep yourself in bee-less situations and cover up when you're outdoors. I don't recall where you live, but I know in the midwest, first frost is only 8wks or less away. You'll be on indoor bedrest part of that time anyway! It is a mental and emotional situation and Asunflower hit it on the head--you have been planning, probably for months, to go through with this and if you don't, you'll always wonder what if...I guess I would go with the RE's advice. They can stop your ivf after beginning lupron so I would go ahead and see what he/she advises. You could also post your question on sharedjourney under the two dr's forums for advice.

I went to the RE today w/dh. He complemented me (I think) on my handling of our bfn--he was surprised with how realisitcally I handled the news. I guess many women are basketcases, like we're dealing with absolutes here? Anywho, he thought that we have enough frozen embryos for 2 FET's. He said the embryos we have are of good quality. I wondered about unfreezing as I've heard many don't survive the process; he said grade2 embryos (of which 5 of my 7 are) have a 90% thaw rate. I had no clue it was that high! He also told us that given our embryo quality, my age, and our good health, he would be very surprised if we didn't get a bfp off of one of the 2 FET's. I was very encouraged by the visit. DH and I didn't have a chance to talk amongst ourselves after the visit, so we will mull it over and decide when we will do our 1st FET. I was also surprised to learn that FET cycles, at least at my clinic, do not take nearly the amount of planning as IVF. He told us we could call when af arrives and schedule a FET for that month. I always got the impression that it took more planning, drugs, etc. but in actuality, it is very similar to a stim's/IUI protocol.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I just wanted to pass along all the info I learned today because I know the rest of you are infertility/science junkies like myself--and after all, knowledge is power. I will be very curious to see how your FET's go, Asunflower and Fortyfour. I may rely on you at a later date as I did throughout my IVF for advice and questions.

Enjoy your evenings, ladies!
Holly

Hello Ladies,

Well I recieved my results today. My HCG level was a 2 which is considered a BFN. My doctor wants me to go in on Wed to confirm the results. He said there is a small chance it could be a late implantation. I will go ahead and retest on Wed, but am not expecting any miracles.

I feel okay right now, just a little stunned I guess. I'm the type that wants answers, and there really aren't any. We have enough good quality embies to go for 2-3 FET cycle. I think that is the next course well take. I guess I should expect a heavy AF. I'm very glad you ladies mentioned that in earlier posts so it's not a suprise.

Diana, I'm crossing my fingers for you.

Shansy, I like Holly did light cleaning, grocery shopping, and made beds during my 2WW. Keeping busy is the best therapy.

Lila and Colleen, I look forward to following your IVF journey.

Sunflower and 44, it looks like I will be joining you on an FET journey.

Holly, whatever you and your DH choose will be a decision that is right for the both of you. There are no wrong choices here.

Much Baby Dust to all.

HelenaS



HelenaS

HelenaS-

I am so sorry to hear about your BFN. It just isn't fair, is it? Infertility really does SUCK (sorry for being so blunt).

It sounds like you are dealing with it remarkably well- that is so great to be that strong. Know that we are here for you in case you need to talk, vent, or whatever it may be. I also try to keep in my mind that one way or another I WILL be a mom someday, somehow. That keeps me comforted a bit through these tough times.

Wow- enough good embies for 2-3 FET's...that sounds promising. I think I may only have enough for one FET and they aren't that great of quality either, so yours sounds like they did really well. It is amazing how quickly you can jump back into things and try again. Let us know your next step in this process.

Hi Shansy,

Thank you for your support. I was feeling pretty good when I sent out my first post. But I'm finding that as the time ticks by I'm going in and out of emotions. I'm sure that's normal. I just love to feel in control and this is anything but that feeling. I am very thankful that you ladies are listening. You inevitably have to tell friends and family the bad news and the question I've gotten all day from them is, "I just don't understand, how did this happen." It's depressing because I don't have any answers for them. At least on this thread no one is looking for answers from me and that is a great feeling, because I tell you what, I'm all out of them at the moment. But I do feel pretty good and I have a wonderful Husband and a beautiful and funny daughter that are hard at work keeping my spirit bright.

Hello Ladies:

so very sorry to share that I got a BFN. I truly appreciate everyone's support and thanks for the crossed fingers, HelenaS.

I guess I couldn't expect much at my age. I know the stats all too well. Still I am very sad. It is what it is...

To answer the question: next step, its DE for me. My DH barely tolerated this third IVF try and he had little to do.
I'd certainly try non DE cycle again, but that won't be feasible given my DH's stubborness and he's probably right.

I'll check in from time to time to see how the rest of the journey continues for everyone. Thanks again for all your incredible support and good wishes.

Wishing everyone much babydust and blessings, Diana

Helena and Diana,
So sorry to hear your news. You both are such wonderful people. It just isn't fair. I don't understand why things happen the way they do. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers.
colleen

Helana I am so sorry to hear about your test. I think you are handling this with great strength and grace. I also think you are right to let DH and your DD show you how wonderful you are and then just deal with the emotions as they come.

Diana I am so sorry for your news. I know you tried to prepare yourself for this possibility but I am sure that is of little use when that news finally arrives. I wish you much luck when you decide to move on and try another cycle. Tell your DH just to wrap his arms around you and give you lots of love right now and figure out the rest later.

Shansy as you know I have not been through it yet but I did happen to have a meeting today with my clinic’s IVF coordinator and I asked her again to go over the exercise options, and she said exercise that is not jarring is acceptable such as walking and light biking. Not sure if that helps as I know the fear that you may inadvertently knock something never goes away and thus from what I hear most say better safe than sorry and take it easy as you are doing.

Colleen Did you have your ER? I hope you had great results and are recuperating now getting ready for the ET.

Holly I think that is great news about having so many frozen embies to work with. It really helps you keep so many choices open right now while you figure out which option is the way to go. No matter what I hope you will keep us all in the loop so that we can support whichever path you chose.

Susy I think you have gotten some great advice from the others here – just listen to your heart to figure out what is the best next step for you.

Asunflower I loved you explanation of the nickname and I completely agree. After my Lap last week my Mom brought over a huge bunch of sunflowers in a vase for my bedroom. They are just so bright and cheery they too make me happy just to look at them. One of my favorite poems is “BELIEVE me, if all those endearing young charms” by Thomas Moore and it is why I chose the sunflower for the tattoo. I love the symbolism in the last few lines:

No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close,
As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets
The same look which she turned when he rose!

Colleen, Sunflower and Holly I wanted to thank you for the feedback and advice - it does help to hear others come to a similar conclusion. When you deal with so many unknowns in this process it becomes difficult to pinpoint what may and may not be important factors in determining how to best proceed so it helps when you can utilize friends like those found here as a reality check. I have decided to proceed and will begin Lupron on Wednesday assuming the US that morning shows no surprises (fingers crossed).

I saw the pictures from my Lap today and that is just gross. I really think I could have lived a very complete life never having seen my insides, the cyst – before during and after, etc. Oh well at least I am grateful that my clinic is open and proactive about sharing info – that was one of my issues with my OB not enough info to figure out how to proceed. I also got all my drugs and protocol – I am doing Lupron followed by Bravelle. Has anyone else done this protocol? I think I read most everybody else has been using Follistem, or Gonal F is that correct?

I have to say I am extremely intimidated about mixing all these drugs and loading them in the syringes. I do not fear the shots just that I will have screwed up the meds or something. Is this some sort of punishment for never having done that well in high school chemistry? Diana I may have to find you in NY and have you give me a refresher in remedial chem!

As usual I have babbled on for far too long – I apologize for my lengthy posts. Hope everyone keeps their spirits up and stays positive.

Oh ladies, I am so sorry for the bfn's today. We feel your pain and are here to help you carry its burden. You would think those of us posting here would be used to shouldering that kind of blow, and yet each bfn hurts as much as the first, doesn't it? We will be here to help you get past this loss and look towards the next phase in your journey, whatever it may be.

DH and I chatted and we have decided we will definitely do a FET, but we are going to wait until the new year to do so. We need to save the money, honestly, and I'm sure most of you can understand that! In the meantime, we will do a stim cycle or two and see where that gets us. Between starting a new school year and all the stress that arises around the holidays, we are just going to let things come as they will through December. After that, I told dh that we are going to get real aggressive and complete both FET's and another IVF if need be and he agreed. I feel weird about taking time off to a certain degree, but we have had success just doing stim cycles so I am content with our decision. I never thought I'd be okay with taking time away from heavy treatments but it feels right.

At any rate, I hope you ladies don't mind if I continue to read your posts and contribute now and then even thought I won't be in 'active' cycles. I feel like you are all friends now and I want to keep in touch!

Take care all--I'll check back soon!
Holly by Golly

Lila - my ER is scheduled for Thursday. Trigger shot tonight. I am ready to get this part over with.

Holly - best of luck to you. It sounds as though you and your DH are 100% on the same page. It makes getting thru everything so much easier. I am a teacher also and understand your decision to wait. I think I would do exactly the same thing.

It is so hard to hear about the BFN. Just know that we are all here for you!

As far as those of you getting close to ER and stimming, good luck to you all! rely on us for the experiences! Only we know what you are going through!

Stay in touch everyone!

Girls, ... I cry, we cry with you for the news that all of us don't expect to hear...
Pray that we all can grow and mature thru these hardships that life brings us.
I am not sure what is stim cycle. If someone could explain it to me... =)
Holly, thank you for your recommendation about the book. I will definetely buy it this week. I really need to be more informed about other options. But not hurry myself and make wrong decisions.
Thank you girls for all your thought and comments about your life!
I guess I didn't pay much attention that one day I had to go thru IVF and that it would be so difficult to get pregnant since I don't have any family history or any health issue that made me be concerned about it. And now that I am really dealing with it, first, second and third negative IVF...
And also I didn't know that so many people are going thru the same journey as I am.
Let's keep the faith and strength!

Hi Ladies,

We'll I've found my own little brand of BFN therapy:cooking. I've gone nuts with it. I've baked everything I can think of. Made homemade meatball, homemade pesto, the list is endless. It keeps me busy and it's something I love to do. We all have our ways of coping ;D. My DH is enjoying the fruits of my labor, I have to giggle, we all heal in very unique ways :P.

Susy, thank you for asking the question about a "stimi cycle." I don't know what it is either.

We spoke with our RE today. We have an appt on Sept 1 to look over options and go into detail about FET. He said we need to have one month of a natural cycle to let my ovaries rest. I hear the FET is quite simple compared to ER-ET cycle. Do any of you ladies know what exactly is entailed in an FET?

Collen, the HCG shot is a piece of cake. I'll be praying for a smooth ER for you on Thursday. Stock up on movie and good books, they help pass the time during bedrest. Also, my RE restricted my liquid intake after ER to 1 liter of electolite ladened liquid a day for a period of 10 days. Did any of you ladies get the same protocol? I've not hear anyone mention it. He said it would reduce the amount of pain and discomfort after ER. It completely did. Anyway, I was just wondering? I thought I'd mention it becuase it was the hardest part of recovery for me. I love water and an alottment of only 1 liter of non-water per day was very hard for me to stick to.

Keep of the Positivism Ladies!

Helena- I am on BCP right now for a FET. Once I get my period, I go in for u/s and bw. If it is good I start Delestrogen injections every 3 days and I am monitored as well. Then once the transfer happens, I will be on PIO again! That is it! At least at my clinic! Good luck!

Hello All!

Thanks for the kind words, ColleenC, HelenaS, HollybyGolly and Lila in the last 2 days. I've been a little dis-oriented after the BFN.

Yes, HelenaS, it is really a tough time for BFN and you have my empathy! Now cooking sounds like a wonderful therapy for you and all of those around you. YUMMY!!

My therapy is not quite as expansive....I went for a 30 min jog this am (managed it steadily but really slow for my nature-but I just didn't have the oomphhh). I went back to the pool tonight and swam 30 min at a good clip. Today, I signed up to swim as a team member for 2 mini trialthons in the next weeks as my running is too stinky now to do the whole thing myself. I have 2 time goals for these swim portions of the races so as to not let down my teammates. My motivation is to get my BMI back in check with my levels prior to all the IVF stuff. I gained about 12 pounds with all the inactivity cycles from the Jan-March prego time, April MC recovery and now again 5 weeks off. I actually HATE running because of sweating.....but do it for the cardio benefit and long leg muscles. Nothing like it.

ColleenC: yup. totally agree with the books, videos and rest tips from HelenaS. Spot-on.

Lila: sure, look me up if you come to the greater NYC area. However, I am not in downtown Manhattan. As to the intimidating part of the protocol and all that...I totally understand!! I almost lost it by crying hysterically (and I am a really tough cookie=having hiked down the Amazon at 25 for example) , the first day I had to do the injections. UNfortunately, it had been weeks between instruction by the nurses and my stim start last summer for IVF #1.

SO TIPS FOR VANQUISHING INTIMIDATING INJECTIONS:
(just my experiences, but some pratical ones too)
#1- try to have your injection classes as close to your stim start as possible (maximize retention)
#2-I think there is a Follastim video available. I may still have it somewhere. I will look and if I have it, I'll let you all know. I watched it once as a refresher-it helped.
#3-find a special spot in your home for your "LAB-BENCH"....make sure it is isolated from any pets, any existing little ones, the cleaning person (I wish ! ha!!).
#4-swab down your bench area -if it is a kitchen counter area-you can probably use a clorax based cleaner....(I don't think the kitchen is the best area)-AIR DRY!! Then wash your hands thoroughly
#5-arrange your meds in groups and separate the groups....for example, put Follastim syringe tips with Follastim pen, put Lupron with its small gauge needle,
#6 keep the groups in the same order for the whole cycle-this facilitates repetition and not missing anything
#7 TURN OFF TV, radio or anything else that is distracting (chemists usually work with light classical if any music at all....because if you make a mistake in quantities or weighing....kaboom!)
#8 Take a really deep breath, focus, GO SLOW with each step....you can take your time here...this is YOU time for a very good cause
#9 Keep all your band-aids, swab towlettes, etc in their own little groups and within easy reach
#10-inform DH and anyone else, that your LAB-BENCH is OFF-LIMITS!! Just for you!!

I am writing this now as I am still close to the whole cycle process. I'm sure there is a tidbit or two that I forgot, but those are the big steps to make it easier. Fortunately, the drug companies have everything nicely sealed in all that lovely packaging, so everything is really sterile. If you drop anything that will come into contact with your skin, replace it. For example, I dropped the empty progestrone needle on the floor. I got a new one. When I say take things slow....there's a reason to be deliberate and methodical. I was almost always the last person out of the chem labs (11 PM at night), but I took the synthezing steps slowly and almost always had a spot on product synthesized. You could tell by the analytical analysis that you would test your synthesized product with. OK!! ENOUGH CHEMISTRY HERE!!! SORRY FOR THE LONG DISCOURSE......Of course, my favorite advertising slogan is "Better Living Through Chemistry"....from Dupont....so a better life with little ones given chemical meds....why not?? We have the technology.....

Wishing everyone a wonderful Wednesday!! Diana
MUCH BABYDUST to ColleenC and everyone else coming up on the curve to ER

Colleen - How did your trigger go? Hope it went well and good luck tomorrow. I will be keeping fingers crossed for a good report and then a speedy recovery for you.

Helena I think everyone needs an outlet and yours is a great one and I am sure your family is reaping the benefits. Keep your spirits up and Sept 1st will be here in no time and then you can finalize the next step.

Diana - Thank you so much for all the tips and pointers - really much appreciated. Good for you about the triathelon. I always wanted to do one but actually swimming has always been such a weak spot for me I was too intimidated. I did not realize there were opportunities where people shared different parts of the race - oh well that would have been fun. Best of luck with your goals.

At the moment I am just trying to get a little back into the exercise frame of mind, all the ttc stress and some other issues led me to unfortunately fall into the weight gain trap. I would feel so sorry for myself I would "treat myself" to skipping exercise...that would then lead to less and less working out and then the stress "treats" became things like cookies etc. Therapy by calories I called it - not one of my wiser moves.

As all of us are all too aware this process often leaves one with no sense of control over their own life or even their own body. It clearly was the wrong justification but at the time I felt like allowing myself to take time off from exercise was me taking control and making a decision. I keep saying this process is a terrible thing to go through but for me at least part of the silver lining is the opportunity it provides to learn so much about myself, having to come to terms with how a body functions, how to cope with stress, how I make decisions, how I communicate (especially with DH) etc. My point as I said in the past this process really does change you – it makes you look at yourself, analyze everything and teaches you a great deal (it is just a bummer that this road also has to be so bumpy and heart-wrenching).

Sorry to babble on, hope everyone has a great day