i understand all you are saying PERFECTLY!!! when i am at a party and someone says they have to go b/c they have to pick up the kid(s) ... i just smile and tell them that i would cut off my arm to have that same problem. celia... i sometime feel very bitter also.... i just feel so TIRED!!!! all of you who have been at it for so long... i admire you sooo much.... i don't think i can do it past this year.... many hugs to all of my sisters out there... i feel your pain ....
Age:35, DH-38, Married- 1 1/2 years. TTC entire time! 1st m/c Jan 2001 - unknown reason; 2nd m/c feb 2005 - chromosomal defects; got pg w/ clomid last time; waiting for new cycle and will do endometrial biopsy; fertility diagnosis- Low Morphology
Hello all, I am new to your circle. I looked for a group like this specifically. I am 30 years old, I have been trying to get pregnant for a year. I have stage 4 endometriosis. I am set up for my 3rd surgery at the end of this month. I had an "ovarian accident" in 02. It literally imploded while I was driving on the freeway - an endometrioma had ruptured. The scar tissue created a bowel adhesion and partial bowel obstruction. I have been married for a year and eight months to a man more than 10 years my senior but with no children. This is also his first marriage. He propsed to me several weeks before my first surgery, he helped to finance the first laparoscopic procedure and then the laparotomy, we saved and paid for our wedding one year later, my parents didn't help, as a matter of fact they didn't even give us a wedding gift. He stuck with me through the Lupron for 8 months which made me a total b**ch. He wanted to wait until we'd been married for two years to beging TRYING, I insisted that we start earlier because of my condition. He wouldn't agree, so I ended up "sneaking" and trying for months before he came around. I lost an ovary, a tube, part of my large bowel and a good portion of my sense of humor. The bimonthly pain that I have endured since age 16 has returned. I am a pediatrician. I love babies, I love pediatric medicine, I love talking with families, listening to parents and watching them grow. I have felt despondant the last several days. My mom just found out she has cancer. Most of the family things that her "rich doctor-daughter" should step up to the plate and foot the bill. The projected cost of the infertility treatments is overwhelming. I feel incredibly selfish and isolated. I feel like I haven't been cut any breaks lately. I can't share this with anyone but my husband, and somehow he doesn't fully understand. He says that he could spend the rest of his life with only me. I am ashamed to say that I haven't said the same to him. I can't tell my colleages or patients, I am afraid that my advice would be less- weighted, coming from someone with no (hope of) practical experience. I can't tell my family, they might enjoy it too much. I am organized, hard-driven, dedicated and intelligent, but none of the traits that have served me my whole life have helped me. I feel like screaming sometimes. If you think recieving an announcement in the mail about someone's pregnancy is distressing - -- try getting a dose of "the joy" every 15 minutes 5 days a week and some weekends. Going to work is both the highlight of everyday and a twist of the knife. I know I'm being dramatic and probably talked too long. Thank you for listening -sorry for the rant. Anita
Anita, I think that what you wrote about was perfectly reasonable. I am sorry for your infertility and your moms illness. This whole thing is so lonely. I do not have any close friends that are infertile. My boss lost a baby with IVF in January but she doesnt know if she wants kids enough to try again.
She was talking about her new nephew at work today and was looking at me to get all gushy with her. I could have cared less and am tired of celebrating everyone elses babies. I feel selfish. I want one of my own. I know that sounds harsh but at 44 I mostly fed up with this. I worked L/D for 2 years and I know the bitter sweet of delivering babies and being happy for the new life and then being torn apart by the pain of not being able to get pg.
I hope your baby comes to you. Keep in touch and vent when ever you need to.
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
Anita.... you are not alone... nor are you crazy, irrational, or selfish. You have normal desires and you feel a sadness that is very real. I believe it is possible to feel both sadness for yourself at the same time you feel happiness for someone else. sometimes, one emotion overcomes the other, but you can feel them both at the same time... so stop feeling bad for not being happy for others... you are... but you are sad for you... i'm really sorry about your mother... my mom died just 2 years ago (it was 2 yrs last week). My sister has her own 3 kids who are all in high school, so she doesn't have a clue what this is like. my dad is remarried to a very logical woman who has never had children (by choice) and i think, believes we are obsessing. sometimes, i just want to resurrect my mom for a huge hug b/c this process feels so lonely. even when there are people around you who understand.... you still feel lonely. it's one of those things that just because there a lot of people who experience it, it is not one piece of 'pain' that gets split over so many people... it is one huge blob of pain per person.... i can also identify with setting your mind to do things and doing them. i haven't ever been unable to achieve something i set my mind to... this defies logic and plain hard work.... so now you know you're normal... :-) hang in there and follow your heart. you'll make the right decisions and when the people around you aren't very supportive, stop by to chat... we'll all listen!!! treat yourself well!! trish
Age:35, DH-38, Married- 1 1/2 years. TTC entire time! 1st m/c Jan 2001 - unknown reason; 2nd m/c feb 2005 - chromosomal defects; got pg w/ clomid last time; waiting for new cycle and will do endometrial biopsy; fertility diagnosis- Low Morphology
Hi!!! I'm 30, had laproscopy for endometriosis, and TTC now through IVF/ICSI because of male factors (ASA). I wish I had know of this board when I was crying hysterically by myself or waiting for an appt. My partner has two children from his previous marriage so it's not as pressing for him as it is for me. (even though his kids live far away and only visit 3-4 times a year) Occasionally he'll say just get a dog and I'll want to strangle him. He still comes through though...you never saw a more miserable (dare I say scared) guy guy at the procedure for his reverse vasectomy. He was really chocked about the five female nurses alongside the two Doctors. Seven people starring at his manhood...I was afraid I might have to cuff him to the bed!! He'll do ALOT of whining, he said originally that he would never give a "SAMPLE" in a cup...he's done it several times to date. I just started injecting suprefact (similar to lupron) and although he knows I'm taking "stuff" he doesn't know what or how. I'm also sick and tired of hearing about everyone else having babies (continuously) THE OLD FASHIONED WAY...and asking what about you? Don't you want kids? I think questions like these are the nouveau faux pas! It's amazing how many people are going through similar things. I feel like there couldn't be a group of more deserving women then the ones who have shared their stories here. I wish I could drench everyone in positive happiness (myself included) and roll us all in baby dust.
Sorry for the negativity, but I have to vent somewhere. My friend/co-worker just sent me an email announcing that he and his girlfriend of a few months are getting married soon b/c they're having a baby. They're in their early 20's and "had and accident" HA!!!
I suppose I'm supposed to be happy for him. Congratulate him or something. But I just want to scream and cry! Worst of all, he knows about my m/c's and even knows I'm in an IVF cycle now. Like I need the additional stress!
Why is life so unfair to us? My life feels like some cruel joke :'(
Sorry for the negativity, but I just had to get it out. It totally threw me for a loop today while I'm already stressed about my next test.
31 years old, DH is 30. Married 3 years, TTC 2.5 years. 4 m/c's and found out I'm a balanced translocation carrier. Starting first IVF cycle with PGD May/June. Started stims 6/8
Linda, wouldnt it be nice to have a switch that we can our emotions off with when we get pg news. My bosses brother had their first baby and she wants to talk about it all the time. She is the only one in the office that knows i am doing ivf in July. She looks at me like "why dont you want to discuss the baby for hours?" I said congrats and that's about all I can do now. Take care and dont worry about venting.
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
Hello ladies... sorry I was out for a while, trying to bury my sorrow with work... i commiserate with you all, but also I feel better knowing that I'm not alone.
If it's not a cruel twist of fate, my sister's young nanny (my sister lives outside of the US), got pregnant by her boyfriend, who ran away from his "responsibility". The nanny is now about to give birth anytime. She plans to give away her baby for adoption after giving birth! My sister, who already have 3 kids, can't afford to adopt the baby, and is now asking me what's the best course of action. I just wanted to explode out of anger and frustration, learning that people who don't want to get pregnant DO get pregnant, and have no qualms about giving away their babies!! Much as I am tempted to offer to take the baby in, I decided against it because DH and I are still hoping we would have one of our own. Now, I feel sad for the baby because he might end up in some crowded shelter. My heart is breaking with the thought, but I am not ready to adopt and take the responsibility of others. :'( I just wish my sister and her nanny decide to keep the baby.
It's amazing the stupid/insensitive things people will say/do. At a school fair a neighbour said to me "oh, what are you doing here did you have kids already, ha ha ha" and then I explained to her I was there with my step-kids (whilst not choking her) My partner had a friend over who's wife was pregnant with their second child and he wouldn't shut up about it. The friend told us if we wanted maternity leave maybe we should get a cat. GRRRR. Then his wife went into labour and he almost missed it. (putts)
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
I stop the BCP Friday. Start stims on the 24th. I figure by July I'll have bigger boobs than Dolly Parton. (I believe I'm a PAm Anderson right now) July 6th is retrieval day. My whole life I was a prude about pap smears....would only go to my female doctor and kept telling her to hurry...has that ever changed! (not that I'm cool with it...it's just changed.)
Thank God for support bras. Good luck with your cycle. You should be just pg when I go for transfer. Babydust to you. I hope your meds dont give you too many side effects.
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
OK - this is getting to be too much! Another one of my co-workers just made the announcement that his wife is 9 weeks pg and it was on their first try. It took all my strength not to burst into tears!
Now I have 2 co-workers with their wives 9 weeks pg that sit right across from me. Everyone in the department is talking aobut it and all excited. I just want to turn off my computer and leave. I just might!
Like this stuff isn't stressful enough!!! Now I have to listen to everyone all excited and chatting away about how wonderful babies are and how it's the best thing that will ever happen to you. :'( :'( :'(
Worst yet, I'll have to listen to all this everyday now since they're at the same points in their pg's! Ugh!!!
And one of my good friends just had her 2nd baby Tuesday, another friend had her 1st 2 weeks ago and my SIL is due with her 2nd in November. I can't escape it!!!
31 years old, DH is 30. Married 3 years, TTC 2.5 years. 4 m/c's and found out I'm a balanced translocation carrier. Starting first IVF cycle with PGD May/June. Started stims 6/8
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
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HA!!!