I just heard the most ignorant response to my infertility problems I've heard yet....
I was talking to my aunt (who has no children and nevered desired a child). She said to me, "Well don't get all worked up if you can't have a baby because think of all the freedom you'd have without a child & how much money you'd save". She said, "I'm sitting here reading a magazine now, and when I'm done I can read a book, and you wouldn't have that freedom when you have a child. Plus, you can't travel." Then she said, "you'd save so much money if you didn't have a kid b/c they are extremely expensive. So, don't worry if you can't have kids because there's a lot of benefits to not having kids."
I didn't know what to say at first, I was dumb founded that someone could be so inconsiderate and rude!
I suppose that people who don't desire a child of their own will never understand the desperation a mother trying to conceive and going to extreme measures to do so feels. I'm not sure if it's best to just say nothing or to come up with some great comebacks. I guess since they will never understand, silence is just as good. I do feel sorry for them because they consider "freedom" a nice thing. That is something that I will never understand. So I guess we're even. Karen
39 years old. Divorced at 26, 2 teenage daughters from that marriage. 3 devastating miscarriages. B/G twins born 1/23/06 after IVF at 29 weeks, 4 days.
I don't blame you for being offended by that. It was not the right thing to say at all. I wonder if in some misguided way, your aunt was trying to make you feel better? You know her and I don't though so you would know best about that.
My best comeback for that line of reasoning (this kind of thing was said to me during the first 10 years of my marriage when we were childless) I would say, "You also can't rock a baby if you don't have one. You can't hear them call you mama if you don't have one. I have had to say that more than once and I never said it without crying which stunk but that is how I am.
Sometimes I say nothing when someone says something hurtful, other times I stand up for my feelings. It all depends but I do know I always feel better if I say something.
Hopefully if you have a response at the ready, you can do the same. Good luck.
36 years old. Married for 17 years. 1 son, 7 years old, conceived w/ ICSI. 2nd IVF w/ ICSI in June=No Fertilization. August cycle cancelled for poor response. Considering options.
People say things not realizing how much they actually hurt us. I, too, have gotten that "You'll probably be better off without kids. All you'll do is just worry about them their whole lives. If you don't have children you can travel and have nice things. You should be fortunate you have a wonderful husband and a great job. Etc, etc, etc..." And some of these have been said by my own mother! But I know she means well and it kills her to see me so unhappy. But every now and then I get that comment that stabs me right in the heart.
Good luck with your aunt. I don't know how close you are with her, but maybe you could tell her that you don't feel the same and it hurt you to hear that.
31 years old, DH is 30. Married 3 years, TTC 2.5 years. 4 m/c's and found out I'm a balanced translocation carrier. Starting first IVF cycle with PGD May/June. Started stims 6/8
I have no idea what I would have done had she said that too me. I dont understand the feeling of never desiring a baby. I traveled with my daughter alot and we read all the time. I kinda feel sorry for her not having the love a child in her life. take care.
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
I had someone say something similar to me... as he was complaining about not being able to do something b/c of babysitter issues. i just told him straight out that he wasn't helping and if that's all he could say, then kindly shut up. what is worse, he really could have remained childless... it was his wife who wanted a baby. and they got pregnant the first month of trying... and while they are not bad parents, they leave him with babysitters an awful lot... i told them once that it bothered me to see that b/c i've done all i want to do without a child... i'm ready to join the ranks of only going to places where children are welcome, etc. :-) i hope we all get there soon. trish
Age:35, DH-38, Married- 1 1/2 years. TTC entire time! 1st m/c Jan 2001 - unknown reason; 2nd m/c feb 2005 - chromosomal defects; got pg w/ clomid last time; waiting for new cycle and will do endometrial biopsy; fertility diagnosis- Low Morphology
The funny thing is that these people do not know what they are missing, yes I would like to travel and go places without alot of planning, go out for dinner when I feel like it, heck relax and read a book when I want. But watching a child discover something new and seeing them grow up is rewarding in its self. I would guess some of these comments are to make us feel better and give us alturnatives to raising a child, but realistically thhey don't help, we want babies in our arms. Baby wishes to us all . Lynne.
32 years old, 1 child ( girl 10 years old) from a previous marriage, TTC 5+years, 7 rounds of clomid failed, 3rd round of IUI failed, taking a break till September, Edmonton Alberta Canada
Thanks ladies, for once again understanding. I know she was just trying to put a positive outlook on it and in some way make me feel better....but only us infertiles w/ a strong desire for child can understand the devastation.
Hey, Kitti. I've heard all of the comments, too. It really annoys me when my sister complains about her 2-yr old getting into everything, and she'll say to me, "One week w/ her and you wouldn't want to have kids". People like that I try to not talk to about my infertility problems. I'm guessing by your post that your infertility is unexplained? How long have you been ttc? How old are you, if you don't mind my asking? I'm 27 & my infertility is caused by PCOS. I've been ttc for around 2-yrs.
silly_kitti... i completely understand what you are saying. i have learned to just tell people that i appreciate their kind intentions, but it doesn't help to know that they would gladly give up there kids. when i hear people complain that they can't stay somewhere b/c of the babysitter.... i just smile and tell them i would give my right arm to have that problem. i know it is hard to envision a lonely future and that scares me, too.... i've already watched my family grow apart and i know it will continue. however.... nothing will take away the pain you feel or the desire for your own kids BUT..... there are lots of kids that need love and you can pour some of your love on them through big brothers, big sisters or CASA (court-appointed special advocates) or as foster parents, etc. I am not suggesting this is a substitute because it cannot take away your sadness, but it can give you a different kind of fulfillment. i started volunteering with a 14-year-old boy last year and i am so grateful i did. it's not the same as your own, but it does make my heart feel good that maybe i am helping a kid who normally wouldn't have anyone. good luck my friend and may you find peace in whatever life gives you... it is a hard road we travel, but you are among friends!!! trish
Age:35, DH-38, Married- 1 1/2 years. TTC entire time! 1st m/c Jan 2001 - unknown reason; 2nd m/c feb 2005 - chromosomal defects; got pg w/ clomid last time; waiting for new cycle and will do endometrial biopsy; fertility diagnosis- Low Morphology
Silli kitti - you words were something that I have thougth about a thousand times. My husband and I went to the beach the weekend before my pg test and watched all the kids playing on the beach and marveled at their pure joy. I was just dying inside wondering if I would ever have that joy of watching my own kid. An older friend of mine never wanted kids and her whole life is "taking care of her husband". Does she not think about being alone when he dies? She has no other family.
I dont think it is depressing just normal thinking. I am curious also to your infertility status and age. Do you mind telling?
My aunt told me today that it is in Gods hands if I get pg and stay pg. I wanted to say no s***. I think I figured that one out by now.
Forty Four years old, hubby is 52 married 4 years, TTC 4 years with this hubby, 14 years with first hubby, One adopted daughter, 2nd ivf done, 1st one pg with m/c, second no pg. Uses egg Donor. PG with twins on 3rd IVF mc twins on 8/25/05
I can tell how strongly you feel through your words. Are you cycling now?
I guess it's normal to complain if your kids are driving you crazy and it's also normal to feel you wish you could know some of that crazy life. I hope through all of this you do know that you are totally normal. It isn't right or fair to have our choices taken away from us. Good luck to you.
36 years old. Married for 17 years. 1 son, 7 years old, conceived w/ ICSI. 2nd IVF w/ ICSI in June=No Fertilization. August cycle cancelled for poor response. Considering options.
We have no infertility factors, other than my age (37) and irregular yet ovulatory cycles. I've been off birth control since I was 31. We decided "it if happens, great, if not, that's OK too." We were travelling and having a grand old time then, and although we weren't actively ttc, we weren't trying to prevent it either.
Its all our fault, we didn't think seriously enough about starting a family earlier. When you're young and having fun, the future seems so far away. I woke up one day thinking "Gosh, I'm 36. That's old for ttc. Better get started." We're kicking ourselves now, but that's water under the bridge.
We have now been "actively" ttc for 1 year. Three cycles naturally, 1 cycle 50 mg clomid + natural, 2 cycles 50 mg clomid + IUI, in my 2nd cycle Femara + injectables + IUI. No luck yet. My last BFN sent me into a tailspin. My cycle was perfect and everyone at the office sounded so positive that it was the one - they 've never said that before. They actually were quite concerned and had to confer with the RE about cancelling because it was so perfect, and because I had 5 eggs, they were worried that most would fertilize. I figured they should know a "good cycle" vs. a "bad cycle," right? Then to say "we were all so surprised it failed" when they called with the BFN, I had to hang up I couldn't even talk I was so broken up. I wish they hadn't ever said anything other than "Good luck" like they usually do.
We're trying to stay positive but the stress is never-ending. I'm losing it more often now, in the store when I walk past the baby-things aisle, on the phone when friends talk about their little ones, in the lab where I see dozens of pregnant women waiting for blood tests passing the time by gabbing about how they're feeling, how much weight they're gaining, when they're due, etc.
I wait outside my OB/GYN's office now. I can't stand it in the waiting room anymore. Sometimes I wonder if they can tell I'm suffering inside or if they think I'm just being an antisocial b*tch.
Rollercoaster doesn't even come close to describing the joys of hoping, praying, and the depths of despair I keep cycling through. Even hubby is getting sick of my mood swings. But then, so am I.
*sigh* I can be such a downer lately, even in these posts.
But, its all going to be worth it in the end, right?
Ladies, you are great. Together, we'll get through it one way or another.
Silli Kitti, I have felt the way you feel a million times. I long for the days when dh and I can do fun stuff as a family and watch our children grow. I am beginning to feel that it is never going to happen to me either.
Last fall we went to a pumpkin farm and decided to take a hay ride. We were the only adults on it without children. People were probably wondering what the heck we were doing on board. I was just dreaming that by that time next year I would have a little one of my own. So much for dreaming.
It's all the little things in life that I will miss out on if we don't have a family. I know exactly how you feel. I didn't meet my husband until I was 33. We married right before my 35th birthday and we started trying right away. I am 37 as well, and I will turn 38 in December. We have a multitude of fertility problems between dh and I. I cry every day. I wish I would have met my husband years ago and married early and had children. But things are the way that they are. I wish I could turn back time too. I feel like the party is over and I didn't even get to attend!
I never imagined not being a mother and grandmother someday. I also wonder how holidays will be 25 years from now with no children. I think it is normal thinking.
Be strong. This fertility stuff just takes patience and more patience. I just wish we could all have a baby today instead of exposing ourselves to all of this heartache. We are all walking around with open wounds, and people can and do rub salt in them from time to time. I don't know what they are thinking! Take care.
38 yrs. DH is 31 yrs. Married November 2002. No children. TTC since the honeymoon. Infertility treatments 2 yrs. 7 failed IUIs. 3 cancelled IVFs due to poor response to meds. Poor ovarian reserve. DH has male factors. Chicago, IL Presently looking into adoption!
Please know that I am thinking and praying for all of you that you will get your miracles soon. As for ignorant people, they are everywhere. When people would say things like "be glad you don't have kids etc. etc." I would say well I have had 2 m/c, undergone fertility, so I would love to have your problems. Most would feel embarrassed by their comments.
I am sending you loads of Babydust and tons of prayers your way. Please don't give up hope, there are so many women on this site who never thought that they would get p/g and have. I understand your fear, anger, and frustration, b/c I have stood on the edge of that dark abyss thinking that I would not ever make it through the hell of infertility and so many times wanted to give up and I mean in more ways than one, but somehow I found it in myself to continue to have a grain of hope, and as difficult as it was have faith in God, and finally God did smile on me, but it was a long painful road. I hope that you all get your dream of being a Mother someday soon. I am so sorry for all of your hurt and sadness, and I wish there was something I could do to ease all of the pain you feel.
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I just heard the most ignorant response to my infertility problems I've heard yet....
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Karen
