Helping Parents through Stillbirth
Stillbirth Defined
Stillbirth is defined as the death of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy, most often detected while the baby is still in the mother's womb although sometimes not until the woman is in labor. A loss before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage. Regardless when it occurs, the death of a baby is a tragic and incomprehensible loss. The couple was expecting a healthy, perfect baby. Suddenly, everything has changed, their dreams are shattered, and the cradle is empty. What happened? Why did it happen to them? How can friends and family help?
What Happened and Why?
Stillbirth is common, with about one in every 115 births ending in stillbirth. It affects people across the spectrum and there's no way to predict when it will happen or who will experience it. Extensive and careful examination of the baby and placenta is necessary following the birth to determine the cause of death. This examination includes an internal autopsy as well as several other examinations. Having this done provides information and can also help quiet the anxiety and pain of the parents. With extensive examinations about 40 to 50% of stillbirths can be explained, or a potential high risk can be exposed. In some countries an autopsy is mandated, in others like the US, it is not. Some parents approve it, others do not.
The Emotional Pain of Loss
Parents who have experienced a stillbirth are thrown into a new reality, one without their baby. It is natural for them to grieve the loss of their child, their hopes, dreams, and longings. They may feel very sad, or angry, or bitter at the injustice of losing their child. Guilt and blame often attend these feelings as the parents wonder if they did something wrong. Intense emotions can cause confusion and a feeling of helplessness. All of them are part of grieving and it is necessary in order to make sense of the tragedy. It isn't easy and can be a long process for the couple and family.
5 Things You Can Do to Help
The natural response to a couple who has experienced such loss is to somehow ease their pain and sorrow. Realistically, there are no words or deeds to take away the pain of the loss of a baby. But, there are things that can be provided, like love, support, hope, and understanding. Some ways to help a couple during the time of grief are listed below.
· Acknowledge the stillborn baby. Ignoring the issue will not make it easier on the parents. Most members of the family need to talk about the death and about their baby. Referring to "the baby" or the baby by name (if the parents named their baby) will let them know you're interested and willing to listen.
· Validating and acknowledging the grief gives the parents and family permission to express their feelings.
· Silence is not always golden. Looking for the right words to say can feel awkward and difficult. Don't be afraid to speak to the parents. Simply expressing, "I'm here if you need me" may be all they need at that moment.
· On the other hand, listening is so important. Providing a shoulder or an ear often speaks louder than a thousand words. Be there for them.
· Parents need to make their own decisions. Be an encouragement by supporting them in whatever decision they make.
Even with this help, the reality is that friends are only around for so long. After a few weeks they get back to their lives and the parents are left alone with their loss. It may be a good idea for the bereaved parents to seek help and support from groups of other parents who have experienced the same kind of loss. Their experiences are similar and there is a level of understanding that transcends that of the good friends who lent their support in the initial weeks.
They Will Never Forget
Many parents who have experienced stillbirth go on to have another baby. The pregnancy is usually fraught with fear and anxiety, with thoughts of another loss consuming their minds. It doesn't matter how long the period of time is between the loss and the next baby, the anxiety often remains. Friends and family usual think that once another baby is born the parents will "forget" and move on. The fact is that bereaved parents will continue to grieve the loss of their baby; many do so for most of their lives.
Post a comment