My Infertility Story 2008

For years, I've heard of stories of people with infertility including my own Godparents but the last thing I would ever expect it to happen to me. After everything else I've gone through in my life. I was 29 and my husband was 40 when we got married. We've been married now for almost four years. It seemed as if everyone around us was getting pregnant except for us. We both started trying to have a baby shortly after but no success. At first I didn't let it get to me because I was going through difficult time dealing with my mother who was sick with bone marrow cancer. Dealing with that was very hard especially when you're an only child. I always wanted to have more than one child so they don't have to go through what I did as an only child. We tried on and off and for about two years until my mother passed away. Being that I have very little family around, that's when I started to take it seriously because I feel that I need to create a family of our own. My husband I started trying even harder. I bought different types of ovulation kits, tried different tricks and advice and still nothing. I did all kinds of googling on the internet 'like now' on different websites on pregnancies and maternity. I started to feel that there was something wrong with me and having people around me nagging about when are we going to have babies was not helping at all. I made an appointment with the OBGYN. I was send to due a few test. Turns out that I'm okay. Now it was my husband's turn to get tested. He went to his doctor. The day that he came home with his results was a day that I never expected to ever happen to us. He told me that his sperm was not swimming. He started to cry. I tried to calm him down and let him know that we'll both get through it. All he kept saying is, "I'm sorry." I told him it's not his fault but he won't accept that. I started googling on the internet again but this time about low sperm. I read a few pages that made gain some hope. I started researching options on IUI and IVF or adoption. A few months went by. My husband did some more test. When we got the results back, the doctor told him that he has no sperm count at all and that there's little hope due to a possibility of a blockage. The option for us to conceive is to get a donor sperm but that was going to cost alot of money. This has made both of us become even more devasted to the point that I feel completely numb. Since that day, we've both gone through mix feelings and emotions. I crawled in bed one evening and started crying. I didn't want my husband to see me crying but unfortunately he happen to have walked in and caught me with tears all over my face. All we do now is cry. We haven't bothered to even speak about the situation, just cry. I can name a few emotions that I have been going through: sad, angry, depressed, embarrassed, confused, alone, and afraid all at the same time. This has caused me to isolate myself from the people around us. We now avoid certain events such as Baby showers and kid's parties. I don't enjoy them the way I used to. When we get invited to one, I'm the first to come up with any excuse to not go. Why? Because I don't feel that it's going to better our situation, watching other people's joy to see their kids run around with laughter and joy. I feel angry, not so much at my husband more at the situation. Why us? There are so many people in this world having babies left and right like nothing and alot of them don't even deserve them and here we are, two people that are capable to be good parents and we can't have them. It may sound selfish but this is how I feel. I don't want to get a donor sperm because I married my husband, not someone else. Therefore I want our babies to have my traits as well as my husband's traits, not my traits and traits with someone else's that I don't even know. How would I explain that to my child when they grow up that my husband is not really his father? I asked my husband if was willing to adopt and he gave me no answer. I'm not sure if I even want to adopt. Just thought of having to tell them that we're not their real parents and deciding "when" to tell them is hard. You never know how they may react. I feel alone because I don't feel that I can talk to anyone about it because I feel that anyone can fully understand how I feel. Just like what I went through with my mother's illness (RIP) you never know what it's like for someone to suffer from cancer until you have a someone dear to you have it. You never know what it's like to deal with infertility until it happens to you. I love my husband very much. He is a very good man and I couldn't ask for better husband. It hurts very much to go through what we're going through. I know that I didn't marry him just to have kids. Although we vowed for better or worse, we never expect this to be one of our Worse. This has but a toll in our marriage that things don't feel the same right now. All the lifetime hopes dreams that I've lived for to one day create family has been shattered. I feel as if I have nothing else to live for nor look forward to in my life. All I can do it just live day by day.