Life Threw Me A Curve Ball...

Life threw me a curve ball in my early twenties. I was living a good life, had wonderful parents and siblings whom I knew I could rely on. In High School I once wrote an eassy about how life should be or at least how I wanted life to be. I had this image, of course it had a lot to do with my home life at that time. I got married in my early twenties, not so much by choice but by pressure. One can assume it had to do with culture, but hey I, myself did not have a problem. I always wanted to marry and have a family life, so I thought, why not. My entire world came crashing down, when I had to face reality. Reality was that my spouse was a drunk most of the time, who loved to take his anger out, at the only person who stood in front of him, which was me most of the time. I dealt with the situation the way I knew best. I also use to work, so majority of the time I just tried my best to avoid. BUT, damn, this thing we call life, just would not stop, in fact things just got so worst, and yes, I just kept on bearing. Years passed, and the same thing different day, I still tried my best to be grateful. BUT I was angry and I wanted answers, why or how could this happen? If that was not enough, I was not getting pregnant, and I was blamed for that. I thought that it would happen naturally, but it never did....years passed, my golden time was passing me by, and I did nothing. I did nothing because I just could not believe that my very reasons for getting married were a good husband and a family...and I ended up getting none. Before giving up and after many years later, I turned to a doctor and tried IUI. IT failed so badly, so much that I was hospitalized for weeks, and had two major surgeries. I ended up losing my right tube. With all of this happening, I found myself all alone, with no spouse by my side. I sat there in the room and cried, looking outside my window. I had so many questions, why? A year later, I did a lot of thinking. I got a divorce and just moved on. I did this all alone, although my family did not support my all the way, but they understood. I am now in my thirties, and recently got remarried. i have been trying for a few months now, but nothing yet. Today I look back, and realize what I gained and what I lost. I lost everything, financially,emotionally,mentally, and physically. I am scared out of my mind. In such a young age I learned a lot. A childhood dream, was just a childhood dream. Most of the time I want to go somewhere so far away, or sometimes i think that perhaps this is just a dream, and I will wake up any moment. There is a part of me somewhere buried within me, who speaks to me and tells me that try once more, just once more...and i respond to it by asking it where would the money come from, how about all the pain, above all did you forget what happened in the past? I have given up more times then I can remember. Where does it all stop? BUT, there are people with positive stories, and I must admit, I came to this site by chance, and I am glad I did. There is so much feed back from great people. Everyone here wants to help the other...where were all of you when I needed you the most? Well I am here now, and until LIFE is I AM.

Aaliaa