Men and Miscarriage
For the average woman expecting a baby, a pregnancy loss can be devastating regardless of how far along in the pregnancy a woman is. Often it takes the woman a significant amount of time to get over the loss while her partner seems to be unaffected. Even in the most stable relationships, the men can appear to be unaffected and look like they're moving on faster than the woman.
This can often cause tension in a relationship with the woman feeling betrayed by her partner's seemingly callous coldness. Sometimes the man may be patient at first with his partner's grief, but may eventually become irritated and not understand why she's not moving on.
The Difference Between Men and Women
According to Kristin Swanson, RN, Ph.D., FAAN, professor and department chair of Family and Child Nursing at the University of Washington, men and women view miscarriage very differently. A miscarriage, especially one in the early stages of pregnancy, tends not to be as real to a man. Pregnancy and miscarriage for women is physical which can create a definite sense of loss. Many women begin to connect with their developing child very early. Swanson told Pregnancy Today that, "Seventy-five percent of women who miscarry would tell you they lost a baby." Men don't have that same reaction and often think the baby isn't real unless they hold it or see it, says Swanson.
The grief is very real for women. It's not uncommon to take three months or more for a woman to finish deeply grieving a miscarriage. Some women grieve years after a miscarriage. Many women have told stories of how they remembered the anniversary of each miscarriage and even cried on those days.
Does He Not Care?
Many men who have partners' that have miscarried insist that the man's reaction isn't necessarily a sign that he doesn't care. One man whose wife suffered repeated miscarriages says that men are often taught from boyhood that they need to shake off feelings of grief and the best way to do that is by distracting themselves. That's why it's common for men to suddenly be interested in cleaning out the garage when they find out about their partners' miscarriages.
In her interview with Pregnancy Today, Swanson said that after the initial shock wears off about not being a new father, men who love and care for their partners are often more upset with how the miscarriage impacts their partner both physically and emotionally.
Keeping the Relationship Strong
The time after a miscarriage can be extremely hard on a couple. More tensions can arise after repeated miscarriages which can put a huge strain on the marriage. Both men and women need to work together to help each and get through the grief of the pregnancy loss.
Men need to acknowledge that the loss was physical and emotional for their wives. They cannot expect their partners to just get over it and move on. Men need to also realize that their partners may not want to have sex for a while. Sex after a miscarriage, for women, can become a painful reminder of the miscarriage. Women, even in their grief, should try to remember that sex is more than making babies. It's also a way to express intimacy and intimacy is important to keep a relationship strong.
Men can help this feeling of intimacy by doing little things to show that he cares. He may not fully understand what his partner is going through, but he can be there to listen when she needs to talk about the miscarriage. He can be willing to listen even if he doesn't understand why she's grieving for so long.
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