So Angry!!!
14 Replies
HeatherMak - November 25


I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

I did - until I ran into a distant relative's son and his girlfriend at dinner.

The boy in question is a terrible kid - been in trouble with the law more times than you could imagine, and was thrown out of four high schools in three years (including a very tough military academy for troubled boys). Finally got sick of it and dropped out. He just turned 18 and is now legally regarded as an adult, so I'm not sure what lies ahead for him.

Anyway, over Thanksgiving dinner he and his girlfriend were complaining about the lives of the young and stupid when someone asked her when she's due.



I nearly crapped kittens. I had never even seen the girl until we sat down so I had NO idea she was pregnant. She looks like a damned kid, it never occured to me to get up and inspect her belly!! I have cried about it ever since. There is a bonus, too: this lovely 17-year-old girl has NO IDEA WHO THE FATHER IS...but our family Einstein is going to claim the baby as his so it will help make him an adult. Verbatim - I swear - from the mouths of the idiots who proclaim this crap like it's the Magna Carta. I can't make up stuff like this. I am SO angry about it, and DH tells me I'm being mean.

Yes, the Christian woman in me has a VERY hard time with my feelings. It's not my job to judge - that is God's job, and I feel bad when I think to myself that this girl does not deserve this baby. But the human part of me is livid. I went to my OB this week to find out whether or not we can even try to have #2 and what kind of surgeries I might need and if my uterus has shrunk and how out of control my endo and PCOS are and if the RE would be willing to see me and knowing about all the shots and pills and "treatments" that lie ahead...and this stupid whore just opens her legs to any scumbag that happens by and she get a baby?? I am so angry. I can't talk to DH about it because I'm being mean...and I can't talk to my friends about it since no understands infertility, so everyone I could talk to thinks I'm a total kook for what I'm feeling. And I feel like a total cad for even thinking this way.

GRRRRRR.

All I pray for every day is one more happy, healthy baby. DH and I wanted 4 kids, but thanks to infertility and a string of bad doctors, here we are. I know I have been so blessed with our darling son, I know that and I thank God for him every single day. But, I really wanted lots of babies. I wanted lots of babies. Not that stupid girl. She doesn't get to have lots of babies and not want them or know who their father is...that is not fair.

I know life is not fair. I know that. I just wonder why it has to be so unbalanced sometimes.

Thank you for letting me vent. Really. You have no idea what it means to have a place where people understand. I just want to be at peace with it so it won't interfere with the battle that lies ahead for me.

I truly do hope each of you had a good Thanksgiving, and I truly and deeply wish you the best on your journey.


HeatherMak

 

fiestebrown - November 26

I know how hard it can be. I also wonder why some people who are drug addicts, prostitutes, alcholics (with no intentions on changing their habits for the sake of the baby), are blessed with fertility. I mean I have a cousin who is 26 who has 4 children, she has never been married and they all have different fathers. She is a terrible alcholic and was just arrested for stealing. Her baby was born low-birth weight because of her drinking.

Please try and remain calm it is very hard, but It will happen soon.

 

brenniefromtherock - December 13

Hi, it was distrubing to read your post and the amount of angry you have built up inside. You should not allow this negativity into your life as negativity breds negativity. You choice of words is not of someone who is a mother - that's my opinion. I don't mean to sound insulting to you but you should have a more positive outlook and have faith and believe that you will be blessed again. You should not divert you frustrations toward others as it does not foster a pleasant, peaceful environment for conception. I am 39 years old and I do not have any babies, but I do try to keep positive and try to look at the good in others. Whatever the higher power's plan is for us is our destiny. I am planning to have surgery now and then IVF to help in the process. I want to be at peace when/if the time comes that I am blessed with pregnancy so the development of my baby is as healthy as I can make it. Healthy body, soul, and mind is what you should aim for...let go of things that you have no control over and make life simple and void of negativity....hang in there...-B

 

HeatherMak - December 14

The name of this chat room is the SOUNDING BOARD. It's called that for a reason. One comes here to SOUND OFF about things that cause anger and frustration.

Those words in my post were my words and I am a fantastic mother. I come here to VENT those words so I don't have to carry that anger around my child. I come here to vent those words so I don't say those things around my child. Before you make judgement into what kind of Mother I am, you might want to make sure you're qualified to cast those stones. I've heard no tales of you walking on water. I trust in the Lord and believe strongly in God. His shoulders are big enoug to take it when I'm angry, even if I'm angry with Him. He made me, He knows my every thought, He knows my heart, He has a plan for my life that may not be the plan I have...but we're both okay with that, me and God. I do not need you to judge me, as a matter of fact - THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB! Read your Bible and remember WHO is the real Judge.

I was mad. Yes. I still am mad. I do not hit my child, I do not yell at my child, I do not do drugs, drink or neglect my child. I am an excellent mother and if I only have one emotion of blithe happiness, I will never teach my child the wonderment of HOW GOD MADE ME - with emotions that run the gammet!!

These boards are a place for us to VENT our frustrations. If we have no place to vent, then were do we turn?? Most of us "infertiles" have no friends who understand our situation. If I cannot safely vent here, without judgement, then I will have anger around my child...and that is not what I want. So, I came here to vent, get my anger out among those who would understand. I do not need to be chided for my feelings - my feelings are valid, and you have NO RIGHT to say otherwise.

I do see your points, but you have to understand that my post was written in ANGER. With angry feelings. So that I could RID myself of these angry feelings. IN A SECURE environment.

You MUST realize that a hurting friend in need of a shoulder or an ear sometimes needs just that and nothing more.

Again, I thank you both for your input. I wish you both the best on your journey.


HeatherMak

 

liz - December 14

Heather,

I think you have said it all and very well I might add.

I just wanted to add that I had read your original post when you wrote it and I 100% could relate to your anger and understand exactly how you felt. Actually as I read you post I felt like it was me writing it. I have an Uncle who has 2 beautiful daughters with a women (1 we are not sure is even his but he claims she is). Both him and the Mother (now they are no together) have done drugs for years. The Mom did drugs while pregnant with the both children. Everytime I see those little ones my heart aches and of course anger builds. The girls are fine which is even more amazing but it is still sad to think about the lives they have already lived in their 7 and 3 years of life. I actaully believe they have seen and been through more then I have in my 32 years of life! I find it apauling and extermely sad. I get angry and I vent just as you did. My poor husband has had his share of my spouting off about the situation.

You are in no way a bad Mother. You are a wonderful Mother I am confident. By losing your temper about a situation will never make you a bad Mother. You did not take it out of your child and your child will never know you posted on a "Sounding Board" to get it off your chest. We can not hold negativity inside us as it only eats away at our soul. We are all human and God knows we are not perfect.

Sorry for the long post I just had to jump in her and say my peace.

Take care and best of luck to you and your journey for another little miracle.

Liz

 

HeatherMak - December 14


Liz,

Thank you.

Really.

I felt badly about the things I said and started to doubt my feelings, when it occured to me that I'm human. Yes, I'm made in God's image, but I'm human. HUMAN. So, I'm full of faults and emotions and all sorts of other HUMAN things. God knew that when He made me because He made me...a human being.

99% of the women on these boards are not at peace with their infertility. Most of us here are full of anger, frustation, fear, sadness...you name it. Especially when we're faced with situations like the one I talked about or the one you talked about with your Uncle and those sweet babies of his. It does break your heart and you do well up wtih anger and frustration when you know you can't have babies as easily, especially when they don't treat them as the true treasures they are. It IS frustrating, and my husband, like yours, has done his fair share of yelling and crying, too.

Liz, I'm sorry you have to be on this journey. I'm sorry ANY of us has to be on this journey. I wish we could have all met some other way...we all seem like fabulous women!! I see your miracle is on it's way to you and I will pray that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy, and a truly happy and healthy baby!! It only gets better from here and while there are a few ups and downs when baby comes, you will never look at that baby and not be in total wonder and amazement. I am thrilled for you.

Thank you for your support and your good wishes.


HeatherMak

 

brenniefromtherock - December 14

Thank you for informing me of the type of forum this is. My message to you was not one to imply that you are a bad mother, it was just your choice of words and the graphic detail that was distrubing to me and I just wanted you to know how this sounds to others reading it. I am not a angry person by nature, so it is hard for me to relate to this torment that is inside of you, and my sole purpose for posting was to try and help you. So, if you think I was judging you than I apology. That was not the case. No one has the right to judge anyone. I am not sure if you read the remainder of my post but it was truly trying to help you in you struggles. I am not a psychologist but I do understand what stress can do to you. I do realize that my opinion or words of advise are not welcomed here and that how I look at life is different from those of this particular forum. Thank you for your comments and I won't waste my time in the future. Being able to accept constructive criticism is helpful in evolving spiritually. I wish you all the best and God Bless. -B

 

morsecooper - December 15

I am sorry for you. However, you should keep in mind that some if not most of us are still trying to have their first child and it is pretty hard to hear from somebody that already has successfully had a child. Maybe you should keep that in mind.

 

Tiffany F - December 15

Heather,

I was getting off the computer and I just read your post, this person brenniefromtherock has no idea who you are, and before making a comment about someone people need to go back and read past post!

Heather you are one of the nicest, informative and supportive woman on shared journey you are there to offer support to whoever needs it, I always read your post you are such an inspiration.

And your right this is where we come to VENT when we need to, if we need to cry, laugh, find support get advice give advice etc....How dare this person say anything about you as a matter of fact let me finish reading the post I just read yours and got upset!

She's crazy and DOES NOT belong on OUR journey, it is only human to get upset and if you have not walked in a persons shoes I suggest you not make any comments in reference to that person or even if you think you have been in a persons shoes keep the negativity to your self we don't want or need you here!

I have read and I no all you have been through with beating the odds and having your miracle baby and I no you are a great mom, and that is why God is going to bless you and your Dh with that other miracle baby that you want and that you deserve!

Heather you are a blessing and I thank God you are a part of this journey that we are all sharing together.

God bless you and your family and tons of baby dust for us all so we can have our little miracles.

Love~Tiffany

PS: No one is perfect but God we all go through trials and tribulations and it does'nt make us any less of a person it's called LIFE! :)

 

brenniefromtherock - December 15

Tiffany, Tiffany...you should be ashamed of yourself. I did not want to be notified of any additional posts to this site but your reply notification was sent. Your comment 'She's crazy and DOES NOT belong on OUR journey, it is only human to get upset and if you have not walked in a persons shoes I suggest you not make any comments in reference to that person or even if you think you have been in a persons shoes keep the negativity to your self we don't want or need you here!' - Heather was absolutely right...this is definitely a "VENTING" forum!! I feel bad for all you and the amount of anger you have inside. You are absolutely right that I do not belong, my sediments exactly, but to say that I am CRAZY because I was just trying to help is hysterical. I too, don't forget, am trying to conceive. Attacking an innocent person like this for trying to help - Heather posted here, yes to VENT, but I would like to think to be HELPED too. Just because a person writes sometime doesn't mean that it isn't up for debate or criticism, what is a FORUM for anyway. Unfortuately, I tried to help and if Heather is reading this I am sure she may agree that her husband may not have been able to relate to the hostility she had inside after she met her relative and new g/f - maybe sometimes we just need someone who can offer a different picture and help deal with this negative thought. Whether a person knows who his father is, does that make the mother a bad person, does that mean should be not be allowed to have a child - who made us God?? What about those single mothers who want to have a child with donor sperm?? Again, are we judging ?? All I was trying to say, and somehow got misunderstood, is that we must let go, not blame God, what is fair and not fair - conception is a miracle, whether you THINK that someone is NOT deserving of it is a SHAME. It is the miracle of life! Concentrate on your own life and what you have to do to make it better for yourself and STOP pointing fingers at others because you need to deal with your own issues first. Just relax and pray, have faith, remain positive and do what you have to do to make it work. There is a great power in the power of believing!! Foster the environment and and your dreams will come true. My last post. -B

 

Tiffany F - December 15

brenniefromtherock,

YOU NEED NOT TO RESPOND TO MY POST! THE FIRST LINE OF MY POSTED SAID HEATHER AND THAT IS WHO IT WAS DIRECTED TO, I HAVE BEEN APART OF THIS SITE FOR MONTHS AND NEVER HAVE I HAD A PROBLEM WITH ANYONE NOR HAS ANYONE LEFT A POST SO OUT OF CONTEXT BUT YOU! I TAKE IT IF YOU ARE ON THIS SITE YOU SHOULD HAVE QUESTIONS OR POSITIVE COMMENTS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO MAKE, BUT TO COME IN HERE AND JUDGE SOMEONE AND MAKE NEGATIVE COMMENTS TO SOMEONE THAT YOU NO NOTHING ABOUT DOES LEAD TO ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE CRAZY! HAVE A NICE LIFE AND GOD BLESS YOU! AND IF IT'S BABY DUST THAT YOU NEED HERE IS TONS OF IT TO YOU!

Hey ladies TGIF once again I'll be out christmas shopping this weekend but I promised myself I will not be out shopping the day before christmas this year.
Have a blessed and a wonderful weekend~~Tiffany ;)

 

alison29 - December 15

Hey Heathermak and Tiffany,
I have come across women like you brought up in your first post and they made me so mad I broke down and cried to dh (your approach much better :( ...As for the rest of it he he he too funny if we were in person there would be a cat fight. take care everyone

 

ginamarie27 - March 12

HeatherMak:

I know exactly how you feel. Right after my 1st failed IUI, my sister found out she was 4 months pregnant(had no idea she was pregnant) and she had left her husband 4 months prior. she now lives with my parents and her son is 6 months old. A week after my sister found out she was pregnant, my cousin found out she was pregnant (by accident supposedly on BC pills, has no plans to marry boyfriend, oh yea is still in college). to make matters worse also at the same time these 2 genuisis are pregnat my malecousin got his "girlfriend" pregnant with thier 3rd child, and of course they are both unemployed and on welfare. So last fall I had to give my sister a shower and the other 2 idoits were there of course all about 30 wks pregnant. It was torture.

It is so hard not feel angry when everyone around you is pregnant. I'm 27 and my husband and I have been married for 5 years, all of our friends and coworkers are pregnant with thier 1st and 2nd. I hate hearing that someone is pregnant. No one understands how this feels unless you are going through it. People may just think we are jealous, its just anger and confusion on why its them and not us. Don't let any make you feel bad for expressing yourself. This is a miserable thing we are all going through.

Anyway feels good to vent, all my family and friends tell me is, pray about, take a vacation, stop thinking about, etc. No one understands unless this has happened to them.

I'm planning on doing IVF for the first time with my next cycle in April. If anyone else in my family gets pregnant before I do I am going to scream!

Take Care,
Gina >:(

 

amyjoy - March 17

Gina- Good luck with the IVF.

I was just talking to someone at work about all this. She had gone through all this with failed IUI's and IVF's and miscarriages. She has no children, is 40 years old, and is calling it quits. We were talking about how no one can really understand this entire process until the person experiences it themselves! I see pg women and I stare. It's disgusting. My friends have kids or are pregnant. My grandmother asks me every month when I'm going to get pg. Well, let's see...let me get out my crystal ball.

My husband never had low sperm count until we did our 1st IUI this week and the count was 2 million. His other samples were 70+ million. I was devestated. I didn't know why this was happening and on the day we had the IUI! I just sobbed. They had him give another sample and put the 2 together for 4 million and did the IUI. BUT, the whole time the nurse was doing it she was telling me how it wasn't going to work and how she would be seeing me next month. Finally I asked her why we were doing this then and she said there's still a small chance. I was so mad. She kept saying over and over and over that this wasn't going to work. She took my hope away. I am still debating if I should say something to the Dr. I like my Dr. and never had a problem there until now. Now I don't even think I might be pg because she made it clear it wouldn't work.

Sorry for rambling. I'm still so upset.

 

Fortyfourfive - March 17

Heathermak - Hi, I do have to say I started to read the post you started without first looking who wrote it. I was so suprised to see it was you when I did look. I have never heard you so angry. I am not judging because I have been just as angry myself. I have 2 neices pg right now. Neither are getting married and one even has a boyfriend that beats on her.

Motherhood will never be for those who only deserve it. Just those lucky enough to have this miracle happen. Too bad most dont appreciate the miracle.

I hope your doctors visits are going well. Did you get good new or bad news or just the same old news. baby dust to you.


In response to Brennie- Either you have not been through what most of has or the need to be pregnant is as not as strong as some. If you had you would have understood exactly what heather was saying. Alot of have tried everything to get pg and stay pg and being relaxed and positive didnt do a damn thing for us. Its a coping mechanism not way to get pg. Anyway - baby dust to you and everyone here.

I will pull my nails back in now. Darcie.

 

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