Skipping a cycle
18 Replies
silli_kitti - September 9

Well I got the worst news ever the other day.

After my "spontaneous evacuation" (gotta love that medical terminology), I have to sit out a cycle.

I was literally bawling in front of the doctor. Poor guy, I don't think he knew what to do with me! He didn't even have tissues in his room! When he went out to get a box, he brought back a nurse who sat beside me and hugged me for about 20 minutes.

I was so embarassed! I had no idea I would lose it like that. Especially since I already knew that he was going to tell me I had to sit out a cycle.

I'm just so mad about this whole cycle, I wish I never got that BFP in the first place. I could have been on cd 23 now, almost out of a 2ww. Instead, I now have to wait another 30 days (my next AF, if it comes on time) before I can start again - which chronologically translates into TWO missed cycles.

Every cycle that passes by is one less shot at trying for #2. I think that scares me more than anything. I feel I'll be successful and have a precious bundle in my arms one day, but my goal is TWO. All this time that's passing by is killing me!

Oh well, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that we'll be one of the many people I've heard of that got pregnant naturally between ART cycles!


Cousin's christening is a week from Sunday. I'm not going, but I have to think up an excuse. Any ideas? It's gotta be pretty important since I already missed two baby showers (on purpose). I was thinking to RSVP that DH and I are coming, then calling the morning of with news that mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital and have to go there instead. She's almost 80 and not well, so it'd be believable. I hope that doesn't bring bad karma though.


And finally, today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Its as beautiful out there today as it was the day we were married. No big plans, we're both very depressed. We'll be starting counselling next Wednesday *LOL* Our gift to each other, I suppose. It's the only thing we could think of that might really change things to make us happy again.

This journey is so draining. I can't wait until its over.

 

pj - September 9

i can't believe your re didn't have kleenex in his office! lol
i think we all have those times when the blubbering comes on us unawares. it has happened for me when they told me i had to wait until my cysts went away to continue treatment. i broke down on the u/s tech. how embarrassing.
that being put on hold thing really sucks! and the waiting to start again is agony! why is there so much waiting involved in all this!?
anyway, i hope your anniversary turns out better than you expected. 10 years really is something to be proud of and celebrate and if counseling is what you need then it's the perfect gift for each other. what better way to show you care than to take steps to safeguard your relationship in the midst of all this he--.
as for the christening, i can't tell you what to say. but i do hope you continue to listen to yourself and believe you when you say something would be too hard. good luck.

 

WantsBaby2 - September 10

Sille Kitte,
I am so sorry you have to skip a cylce. From what I understand it's best to let your body heal before trying again. The time will be here before you know it.

As far as all the baby showers and christenings go, I wouldn't lie about anything or make up excuses. Just remember that you don't owe any explanations to anyone.

I don't go to events like that either...I don't explain....I just don't give them a reason. Tell them the reason is personal if they ask for one. The most important thing for you right now is keeping yourself as stress free as possible.

Wantsbaby2

 

Fortyfour - September 10

Silli Kitti - The important reason not to go is that you lost your baby and feel really sad. They dont have to know that if you dont want them to but that is really an important reason for you. We have to protect our hearts because they are stomped on enough with all this junk.

I am sorry you have to wait for your cycle. Its so hard to wait. I would like to do another cycle soon but have to wait until January. It is torture.

Take care of yourself. I think of you often.

 

meridithhasfaith - September 10

Silli

I agree with the others. You don't need to give a reason. Be good to yourself.

Meridith

 

Debie - September 12

Silli_Kitti

I'm sorry you have to endure the waiting. As for the christening..... I also wouldn't go, I am so sadned by all the pregnant people I see and hear of. The waiting is such a frustration, but there's no choice in this case. I wish you and DH all the best.

 

baby4us - September 12

Oh Silli-Kittie
I am so sorry.. but I too have had unexpected emotional breakdowns.. it happens to the best of us.. and obviously your body needed to grieve.. it is best to let it all out than hold it in. How are you doing today?

You are right.. it is a gorgeous day and I do hope you were able to enjoy your anniversary.

I also agree with the other ladies.. that you really needn't give an excuse why you won't be attending the Christening... I would just say.. I regret that we can't make it... and that is all the excuse you need....

Good luck.. and have fun trying "naturally" in between your cycles.. there have been many a lucky person who has gotten pregnant on their own in between cycles.. so maybe this is your time!

 

silli_kitti - September 12

Just like we all do, I have my good days and my bad ones.

This week, I'm looking forward to our physcological counselling on Wed. (Can't believe those words are coming out of my mouth!) She apparently has specialized training in grief counselling and is the counsellor that hosts the 'Miscarriage and Perinatal Loss' sessions at the hospital. But I also know she has 4 kids, so I don't know how much help she's going to be. (I can't stand listening to words of encouragement from fertiles - somehow they just seem so insincere). I'm keeping an open mind though.


As for the christening - this is a very important occasion in our culture. It is a Holy Sacrament, like marriage. My cousin is like a sister to me, and I can't just not go and not give an excuse. People are already gossipping about how I missed one of her baby showers that I was hosting (my name was on the invitation and I paid for 1/3 of it!). I had a legitimate excuse - we were travelling - but people talk anyway. I don't really care what they say, but to miss 2 baby showers AND the christening is really making me feel guilty and I don't need that. I'm already dreading X-mas. I'm seriously thinking about going away for the holidays just so I won't have to be here and see the happy new family. Lots of things to discuss with that psychologist on Wed!

Hubby is still on me to tell her the real reason, but somehow I just can't do it.

Mom is pressuring me too - a HUGE faux pas not to go to a close family member's christening.

Thing is, I would actually like to see everyone, as we have cousins coming in from Chicago and Salt Lake City whom I haven't seen in a couple of years. But I can't bear the thought of having to hold that child in my arms, given the pain and heartache of not having one of my own and not knowing if I ever will.

Insomnia is setting in.
Depression is not far behind.

*sigh*

 

baby4us - September 12

I am so sorry Silli-Kittie.. I did not realize the extent of familial obligations, and guilt.. and your own pain.

I take it no one in your family knows that you are going through these treatments? I have kept my parents in the loop.. and my sister and that is pretty well all our family.. luckily my sister has chosen to not have children..

I am not sure what to do at this point. Everything I have read.. they say if it is too painful to attend baby showers and the like... don't... so I don't know what to say. Especially with this christening being so close to your horrible heartbreak.

Are you close enough to your cousin to explain to her... but ask her to keep it between you and her? You might find it a relief to get it off your chest.. and your cousin won't push for your attendance (which usually means family members will follow suit and back down as well.)

I hope that helps. I am interested to hear how your counselling goes on Wednesday night. We are all thinking of you..

 

Meg - September 13

Silli_Kitti,

I just thought I would let you know that I had talked to a grief counselor who specialized in miscarriage and perinatal, and early infant loss. It was a tremendous help to me after my 2nd m/c. I was pretty much on the verge of a very bad depression. It helped to have someone actually acknowledge my grief. I also called her after we found out that we lost our triplet at our 12 wk. appt. Many people couldn't have cared less that we lost that baby including the jerky Dr., but she again acknowledged the loss, which did make me feel better. People saying "well at least you still have 2" somehow didn't really make my pain of loss go away especially after having 2 previous m/c's. My Husband and I did go to a group meeting once and never went again b/c after we left I was more worried about ever getting p/g and also losing a baby after it was born. We heard horrible heart wrenching stories from other people, that actually made me feel guilty about feeling so sad about my early losses.

I hope the session goes well for you. Please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Meg

 

baby4us - September 15

Hi Silli-Kittie.. I just wanted to know how your session went last night? I think you said you and your husband were going to see a counsellor on Wednesday night?

How are you feeling.. have you decided anything about Sunday?

 

silli_kitti - September 15

Meg -

Its interesting that you brought up group meetings. When I first made the call to ask for help from a therapist, a group meeting was suggested, but I had visions of people sitting in a circle talking about mid-term and late-term miscarriages, stillbirths, SIDS deaths, deaths from severe genetic disorders, botched births, etc. OMG the worst things went through my head and I thought to myself out of all the things that could go wrong, my failure to even get pregnant is probably the easiest to handle. I figured those stories would make me feel worse, and worry even more about things to come.


Baby4us -

Thanks for thinking of me. We had our therapy session yesterday. It went pretty much as I expected. She was very kind and compassionate. She was wearing the same top I was, which made it easy to break the ice. She acknowledged my last failure as a loss, probably even moreso than I do since my RE's office insists it was NOT a pregnancy, no baby, MAYBE it made it to 4 cell stage, but probably more likely didn't since my beta didn't even break 80, just took my body a few weeks to realize it, etc. etc.

Anyway, I didn't really feel better, but at least it was good to talk to someone other than DH and mom about it. My parents know about our infertility treatment, the guy at the car dealership, the woman at the bank, the neighbour down the street, and the cable guy. A few others know we are ttc - or think maybe we WERE trying since its been a year since I told a few people, which I feel really stupid for doing, but they don't know we are in ART.

She did make a good suggestion, which I already thought of doing but don't really want anything written down - she suggested that making up excuses (if I must explain myself) is not the way to go and if its too hard to explain it all, then to write a letter. Which is what I'm going to do, I think. I really don't want it "out" what we're going through, but I also don't want to have to keep making up excuses for missing family gatherings, especially holidays.

I also didn't realize how much this was affecting DH, as he seems so wrapped up in his work lately. But that is his way of dealing with it - to try not to have to deal with it, if that makes any sense.

Overall, the counselling was a good idea. We're going to go weekly for a while and see how it goes, but there is only one thing that will make all this sadness go away.

Wow am I ever verbose.

 

WantsBaby2 - September 15

Silli Kitti,
I am so glad you went. I believe it will be helpful to talk things out with someone who has the skills to help you through this. You have been through such an emotional journey and I hope you feel better soon.

I don't think anyone is prepared for what infertility and m/c do to a woman. The depression and sadness never seems to go away for us infertiles. You are a very strong and brave woman. Hang in there. I believe that God will someday bless you with a child. Take care.

Wantsbaby2

PS....That's too funny that you girls were wearing the same top!!!

 

silli_kitti - September 16

Thank you!

I sat down last night to try and write a letter. Its not going well! I have only tonight as I want to email it by Saturday. I'm trying to keep it short and to the point, but everytime I think about the whole situation, I just want to pour my heart and soul out and then I blubber on and on and on.

*sigh*

 

Fortyfour - September 16

Hi silli kitti - I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. There is no easy answer.

Alot of people do not even see a 8 week pregnancy as a real baby. If only they were there to see the heart beating and those arms and legs a swinging theyd feel different.

I hate infertility.

 

baby4us - September 17

How did the letter writing go.. just remember.. "less is more"

I know it must be tough.. as you said you want to pour your heart out. But I think once people realize what you have been going through. .. they can fill in the blanks.. so to speak.


I am glad your counselling session went well.. that is a positive...

I will be thinking of you this weekend... take care and don't foget about being good to yourself during all this...

 

silli_kitti - September 22

I tried so many times to write a letter, but I couldn't get past the first sentence: "It's with a heavy heart I'm writing to you...." All these months have passed since I knew she was preggo and I am still not ready to face the baby. I don't think I ever will be. I just can bear the pain.

I took the coward's way out - I had hubby call them. He told them I was not well, that it was nothing physical, that I'm suffering emotionally, that I'm wearing my pain on my sleeve and can't hold it back, and for that reason we won't be attending and we hope the understand. He wished them well, congratulated them once again, then quietly said good-bye and hung up the phone before they had a chance to speak. When he turned to look at me, he had tears running down his cheek.

God I love him.

 

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