Pregnant, but not pregnant
7 Replies
silli_kitti - August 30

Wow I thought a BFN was hard to take.

Here I am, 3.5 weeks post IUI, I've been BFP for 1.5 weeks, knowing that its unviable.

I thought I hit bottom everytime I got a BFN. I can't describe my despair right now. My mom, bless her heart, knows little about this process and what the numbers mean, so she's ever hopeful that she'll be a grandma in 8 months. She won't listen to my feelings, saying I'm being too negative, that positive thinking is what I need, that if I keep going on like this I WILL lose this "baby" because of my poor attitude. She just doesn't understand that its not a baby and never will be.

All my RE's office will do is wait. Wait for what?? They want to see a "spontaneous evacuation" - could be another couple of weeks I'm told. I'm fearing a "tubal explosion."

I also can't stop thinking about a girl I once knew who was in her first trimester when she experienced severe abdominal pain. She was rushed to the hospital where they did an emergency hysterectomy and now she can't ever have children. I don't know the details, but that frightens me too.

I could have been on cd12 today, going for the next IUI in a day or two. Instead, I'm pregnant, but there's no baby in my belly. And all I can do is wait.

I just want to go to sleep, and somebody wake me up when I'm "safely" pregnant so I can get on with being happy again.

 

Fortyfour - August 30

Silli Kitti - I think that getting negatives all the time never compared to the pain of being pg and then losing the baby. I cant imagine that you have to wait to m/c.


My doc said I should wait 2 weeks to see if the babies m/c naturally and I said no way. I would freak out with dead babies in me and not knowing what and when it would happen. Besides if they do the d&c they have the fetal remains and placenta and can do tests on it. If you m/c at home you may not have that opportunity.

You do have a say in what needs to be done. If you dont want to wait then dont.

Its not your fault the baby didnt make it. You did everything right. You were being a great mom.

I understand the wanting to go to sleep and then wake up pg and happy again. I was so happy when I pg this time and then boom- babies gone- dream is over. There is nothing left but sadness, anger and confusion. I hate this. I wish I could help you someway but there is nothing I can do but listen.

Call your doc and let them know how you feel. Let us know how you are later today. I am praying for you.

 

WantsBaby2 - August 30

I am so sorry Silli Kitti. It sounds like you are at your wits end... and rightfully so. I think Fortyfour has given you some good advice. I would call your doctor and ask for a d&c. Maybe it would help you deal with this a little more easily than just sitting around waiting and waiting.

I wish you your baby soon. There have been times thorugh this process that I really thought I couldn't continue... but yet us strong women always manage to perservere. I can't imagine what you are going through. You are in my thoughts.


Wantsbaby2

 

silli_kitti - August 30

Thanks ladies, I am considering calling my RE to ask about all this waiting.

They've told me they'd prefer it to m/c on its own, but I don't know if I can handle this for 2 more weeks.

I don't know if they'd even find fetal remains, they said I'm probably having a chemical pregnancy, that there's nothing "growing", that its just going to take my body a couple of weeks to realize that. My beta is only 80 at 3.5wpIUI, they said an ultrasound would be useless, because they won't see anything unless the beta is >1500. They talked about methotrexate, but said it was too soon for that, they'd rather wait as they're sure it will pass soon.

I guess there's always potential harm in adding meds or doing a D&C vs. passing naturally.

But I just can't stand the waiting. I'm trying everything to shake it out, from Sea-Dooing, to vigorous work-outs (including skipping rope), and mountain biking.

Oh well, at least I'm losing some weight !!

 

Meg - August 31

Silli_Kitti,

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I can relate on some level. My first p/g, which did end in m/c, was sort of like yours. My HCG was not doubling. The numbers made it into the 5000 range, but never really doubled. I waited for about a month for something to happen. The Dr. pretty much guaranteed that the baby would not make it. The baby did have a h/b, but not a very strong one. I ended up carrying until 9 wks., but the baby died at 7 weeks. I was scheduled for a D&C after we found out the baby died, but I began to miscarry on my own the night before the D&C. It ranks up there as something I won't ever forget. I was in incredible pain and was bleeding pretty badly. I guess what I am saying is it is your body and you should have a say in what happens in it and too it. I think it is too emotionally draining waiting for something to happen and unfair of your Dr. to ask something of that from you. Again I am very sorry that you having to go through this. Please Take Care and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Meg

 

barrenwomb - August 31

Silli_Kitti,
From personal experience, I would go with the D/C. I m/c at 10 1/2 weeks and my husband and I opted for the cheaper route which was taking medication to pass the baby. Worst idea!!!!!!!!! I had to pick the pieces of my baby out of the toilet after they had passed, put them in a ziplock back and store them in the fridge to bring in to my Dr. Later that week, after I thought everything I had passed, I began to hemorrhage because there was a small piece of tissue stuck right above my cervix. I had to go to the emergency room and the nurse said I was near needing a blood transfusion. If I ever m/c again, my husband and I are agreed that d/c is the only way to go. Not only because of the hemorrhaging but because it was awful to have to pick those pieces out of the toilet. Good luck and I hope everything goes better from here on out.
p.s. Let your mom know that you'll have a positive attitude when you deliver a healthy baby. It's not negativity on your part, it's you facing reality.

 

Fortyfour - August 31

Wow Barrenwomb - your story is exactly why I want d/c's and not go through that. I have had so many patients that told me horror m/c stories. Most ended up with a d/c anyway.

Silli Kitti - How are you doing.

 

Heidi31 - September 3

Hey ladies

BEWARE of the dreaded DNC. They can cause more damage to your delicate bodies than you know. Do some research before you decide. I had a miscarriage 8 years ago. Although I couldn't bare to have a dead thing inside of me I decided to try to let it pass as I was only 6 weeks pregnant I couldnt live with myself if there was a chance the docs were wrong and I could carry to term. Well a week passed and the doc insisted on a dnc. I said fine and had it done.

I went through hemmorage hell and was admitted to the hospital on and off for two weeks after and then had several infections that led to other numerous complications. So remember that a painful situation is sometimes better left alone. "IF IT AIN"T BROKE DON"T FIX IT"

BABY DUST TO ALL
AND
+GOD BLESS+

 

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