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I'm sorry if this is really long I just feel like I am at the bottom of my rope this month. It is like everything is now starting to accumulate and I feel I can't handle it anymore.

My husband and I have been TTC for about 3 years now. The first year we didn't have any medical assistance and also had no PPT's. The second year I finally admitted there was a problem (denial sucks!) and we went to a reproductive endocrinologist and after going through multiple tests decided IUI's were the way to go for us. Well, somehow, we got pregnant with our first IUI!! Yeah, I was thrilled beyond belief but also scared. Well, due to spotting, I had an ultrasound in which they discovered we had a blighted ovum (empty egg sac) at 7 weeks. I chose to have a D&C. Nothing like going into the hospital being pregnant and coming out with nothing!

Then we started trying again and had 4 more IUI's with no luck. After meeting with our dr. again we decided to take a month off and then for me to go on Femara, but first to get some bloodwork done to check my egg reserve, etc. Well, I'll just say that 1 month off was so great for my nerves to finally not be worried about if and when I would ovulate and timing it just perfect for the IUI's and not to mention shelling out money for something that just wasn't working. Well, after having a late period last month and not thinking I was pregnant at all, I decided to take a HPT and got a faint double line. I was more scared this time, scared I'd lose it again. But I was also thrilled that we were able to finally get pregnant on our own. 2 days after the PPT I started my period.... We went back to our dr. and they now want me to have a miscarriage work up with bloodtests, etc. They are concerned about the fact that we had 2 miscarriages in a row. Me too!

Well, my question is, how in the world do you other girls out there deal with your anger and bitterness towards other women out there who are pregnant?? I can't help myself but glare at them and just want to run over and kick them ( I wouldn't actually do it!). Unless I know that they also struggled through infertility, then I am nothing but happy for their success. And it seems like there are sooooooo many pregnant women everywhere you go. You can't go to the store without seeing one and I don't want to become a hermit! I don't personally know too many other women who are going through this and I really wish I had somebody to talk to about it, who would actually understand because they've been there! I refuse to go to babyshowers (too painful), will not hold somebody else's baby and have a hard time being happy for people who are pregnant. I think my friend is pregnant right now too but she hasn't told me yet and I'm already jealous (I hate jealousy!). I don't want to ruin a friendship over my stupid infertility. But how do I keep the bitterness from taking over? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Help!! I feel like I'm living a nightmare and just can't wake up!