I need some advice...
20 Replies
meridithhasfaith - May 26

Hi everyone

I have had something on my mind and I am wondering if any of you have some words of wisdom to share with me?

My sister has secondary infertility. She has a 13 year old son. She is 40 now. When her son was 3, she wanted another one, it didn't happen and she got resentful and jealous of other women who got pg easily. (I can relate to that part) When her son was 6, I did my first try at IVF w/ ICSI and conceived my son. She was a tad jealous, I could tell but she knew how we had waited 10 years for a child and she was also happy for me. It inspired her to try IUI with injectibles. Well, she and her DH are type A all the way and when the injectibles didn't work, she just dropped everything and said forget it. It was too much stress, she didn't respond, it wasn't working, forget it. (her words) I tried so hard to encourage her to keep trying!
Well, fast forward a bit. My son is 7 and wants a sibling so badly he prays for it every night. I want to at least try to give him one...dh and I actually wanted another one for years and we can finally try. I have talked to my sister about it and her reaction is as if I told her I won a dollar on a scratch ticket. We used to be so close, talked for hours on the phone and we live only 20 minutes apart by car! She really doesn't call me, I have to call her all the time and when I do, she acts disinterested. (I don't even bring up what I am doing until the end and she never asks) It hurts a lot.

I guess I am wondering what you guys think? I feel like it was her choice to stop trying after only one protocol didn't work for her and she has been angry at the world ever since. It isn't my fault but I am thinking that my trying for another one might be opening a wound for her. I can't really confront her as she is the type to get mad and avoid me even more. I want to share my journey with her like last time but maybe I shouldn't? Should i just avoid the subject altogether? How bad am I because I am mad at her for resenting me after she knows how hard it is for us too. *shrug* Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated everyone.

Meridith

 

tiggerpounce418 - May 26

Meredith,

It sounds like your sister resents anyone who gets pregnant or even attempts to get pregnant, since she was unable. It's understandable, however, like you said she stopped after the first failure. We can't really try to figure out why people think the way they do, act the way they do, etc. It's impossible. But, from the sounds of it, I think you might be better off not discussing it with her. And as you know, stress is not going to help you with your journey of ttc. You may get more than you bargain for if you do involve her. By her actions, it sounds like she is telling you she doesn't want to be involved anyway. Just my thoughts. Good luck. Try to stay positive and around positive people! :D

 

meridithhasfaith - May 27

Tigger,
You make a lot of sense. I agree with you that I should stay around positive people and it does seem that by her actions, she doesn't want to be involved. :(

Thank you for your input, it really helps

Meridith

 

tiggerpounce418 - May 27

I'm also having problems with my sister, but in a different sense. She always asks me how I am doing with ttc, but she then tells everyone in the family about it. So, I feel like they're talking behind my back. Not in a bad way, but still. I just backed off from telling her anything now. Everytime she asks, I just say things are the same. I just don't won't the world to know my business. We've never really been close throughout our lives. We just became closer over the last 2 years or so, but after this...I'm starting to back off again. Like I said before, we don't need the added stress. We have enough already. :(

 

sblanton2 - May 27

Meredith,
I am having issues with my mother in law whom you would think would be happy that we have an opportunity to try to have a child. She makes negative comments like "That will be an expensive child." And is not happy to learn about our progress or findings. I made a decision to talk only to people who give me positive feedback, I think too much negativity will be a bad thing in this case. Sometimes the people who are happiest for you are not who you would expect.

You have all the support from everyone here.

Take Care and stay +++++

Sylvia

 

meridithhasfaith - May 27

Tigger

I am sorry that is happening with your sister. I have realized that sometimes we need space with some aspects of ttc. Others, we need support. It varies with each person. I have also realized some people don't take kindly to that. They get offended and take it personally when we don't want to share something in particular. It's either too much interest from people or not enough.It's hard.

Sylvia thank you so much! I'm sorry about your mother in law. Wouldn't you just love to know the intention behind a comment like, "That's going to be one expensive child."? I would be so tempted to say, "What are you trying to say, that we shouldn't have a child? That you think we're nuts, what? Grrrrr Wise idea to stay clear of negativity.
Thank you so much for your story and your help!

Meridith

 

cassandra - May 27

Merideth, I had problems with my sister and my mother. They were both not interested in anything I was going through. I decided to not involve myself in any conversation and that worked. Eventually after being pg for 3 months they started asking how I was feeling. My mom said "how many times did you try?" If my child ever has to go through this I will know how not to act. I now confide to my mother in law more than my own mother. She has been my rock in the family. Good luck to you...cassandra

 

meridithhasfaith - May 27

Thank you, Cassandra. It's kind of sad when something so important like this brings out a lack of caring from our own family. I guess though, you earned a new level of closeness from your MIL which is very nice, indeed. Thanks for sharing and I hope you are doing well!

Meridith

 

WantsBaby2 - May 27

Meridith,
I am so sorry what you are going through with your sister. It's so difficult when people in our lives disappoint us. I don't have any sisters, but I have lost a close friend over my infertility who was like a sister to me. I cried for days and was depressed for months. Oddly enough it was this site that helped me get through a lot of it.

Who knows why people take offense to certain things. Maybe she is just jealous of your strength to keep trying. Maybe she is jealous of you altogether. I don't have a sister myself, but I have lots of girlfriends who have had jealousy issues with their sisters about babies and many other things.

Is there someone in your family who can give you some insight? Maybe your mother or another sibling? Do you feel that you can talk to her about it yourself? Maybe you should just ask her and explain to her that you could really use her support unless it is something she cannot handle.

Infertility is such an ugly monster. What is does to women psychologically is just horrible. I hope you are able to work things out with your sis. It is so hard when you are not getting the support you need from your family. Keep us posted.

Wantsbaby2

 

Karen123 - May 27

Hi everyone. I just read this and can fully relate. Yesterday I went to visit my mother and sister (they now live together - sister just had a baby 1/8/05) for lunch since they live near my workplace. When I was going through trying to adopt a child, it was very obvious to me that my sister didn't like the idea. She asked what age child I was adopting and I said any child up to age 4. She said "oh, ok, not an infant." and it seemed to make her happy.

Now that I'm going through IVF, she's against that even more since I could end up with an infant. While having lunch, my mother made many comments about the money and how day care will be expensive, etc. (keep in mind my DH and I both have good jobs) so it was obvious that she too is against this. I'm hurt and confused about it all.

Then my daughter said to me that it's because my sister has had some bad things happen in her life (sadly, this is true) and now she has attention because of something positive and she's afraid that I will have a baby and take that attention away. Even though this hurts me, it makes sense and now I just remember that everyone has their own issues. We have to do what we think is right and just let them feel how they want to. It's so sad to have to know that a close family member doesn't support you or doesn't wish for the same outcome as you do, but at the same time there are others that DO care. Like everyone on this board! I have a very good friend that said (after I said I don't know if I can do this because of the shots and emotions) that if I don't do it, I'll go through the rest of my life wondering what if.....

To sum it up here, I am so sorry that many of you are encountering the same hurt that I am but there are many others that will cheer us on and we need to move forward and just remember that we can't change people. All we can do is hope they come around eventually.

 

meridithhasfaith - May 27

Wantsbaby2- I think it will be the same for me and this site will carry me through because I find I can't wait to come on and see how everyone is doing and to share my joys and woes. Where else can I shout out that I started AF and can go on bcp and have everyone know how great that is? lol Thank you for your advice and your insight. It helps me a lot to be able to look at it from someone else's viewpoint and not from such a wounded perspective like I was.

Karen- I'm sorry that you too have to go through careless comments and less than positive wishes from your family. To have your mother point out the expense of it all...that must have irritated you. Especially considering that you already HAVE a child and likely know the expense it is. Grrrr
While I am grrrr'ing, I remember when I told my mother I was going to try again. I waited until the right time on the phone as she lives in FL and me in MA. I was smiling ear to ear when I said, "We're gonna try to have another baby." She said, "Oh god, Meridith, really? Don't you think you are a little too old now?" I almost DIED! I spent the next 15 minutes being flustered and explaining how 36 isn't old and on and on when inside I wanted to tell her to stick her opinion where the sun doesn't shine and this is my own mother I had these feelings about.

Wantsbaby2 is right, infertility is an ugly monster and on so many levels. Maybe my second baby at 33 yrs. would have been better but I don't have the luxury of just having sex with my husband and making a baby like she did 4 times.

Whew, I think I have a lot of frustration pent up and I shouldn't bend too many ears at one time. Thanks for listening everyone, I appreciate it SO much.

((wantsbaby2 & Karen & Sylvia & Cassandra)) Thank you!

 

Karen123 - May 27

Meridith, I forgot to mention my sister's comment in the beginning of all this. She said "well I (emphasis on the word I) wouldn't want a baby as an old lady!" Yep, called me an old lady. Nice, huh? Oh well. I"m with you - I'll get my good thoughts from all of you terrific women who can understand what I'm going through. I laughed about your comment about shouting about your AF! That was great! :)

 

TTC in SoCal - May 27

Hi all.... so sorry to hear about the lack of support from the family. i can relate to a certain degree. my family tries to support me, but no one can comprehend how it feels b/c they all were able to get (and stay) pregnant many times. I think they probably believe i'm obsessing, but i just reminded my dad that if my mom had been unable to get pregnant... she would have moved heaven and earth until she did...
one thing that might work with your sister who doesn't want to share this with you.... tell her that you 'need' her emotional support during this time. we all want (and need) to be needed... sometimes if someone realizes we need them in some way, that makes them feel good and willing to help. at the same time, let her know you are there for her, too and that it is ultimately her choice whether and how much to be there for you.
one more thought.... i have learned that the burden of a message is on the receiver... we can perceive a message however we choose.... so when people say things that are mean... we can choose what to do with that msg.... i was reminded last weekend that we should not give others power over us to make us feel negative.. we hurt while they are fine...
sorry i was long-winded... wishing you all good and positive thoughts while dealing with this difficult situation!!!

trish

 

meridithhasfaith - May 27

Hi Trish!

It wasn't long winded, it was in-depth and for that I am very grateful. It truly helps me to get a lot of different views and perspectives on this so I can work through it. I do like your idea about letting her know I would like and could use her support through this.

She actually called me this afternoon and everything went so well while we were just talking about every day things, her son, my son, her job, etc. I didn't bring up my treatment cycle and neither did she but I guess for now, maybe that's ok.

I have taken away from all of you that it likely isn't personal and that I have to remain positive no matter what others think or say or do. I appreciate you all so very much.

Have a wonderful (long, for some of us) weekend!

Meridith

 

meridithhasfaith - May 27

Ooops, forgot to mention something to you, Karen...

About your sister's comment about her not wanting a baby as an old lady... My god, what did you say? Don't you wish people wouldn't say these things when we aren't expecting them? I KNOW I would have had a better comeback for lots of comments made to me if I had time to think of them. ;)

Take care,
Meridith

 

sblanton2 - May 27

Meredith,
The comment from your mother most have been an unwelcome one to say the least. I had my daughters when I was young and I honestly believe that now that I am "older" I will be a better more patient mom. Having children young has its advantages, I was a fun mom for the girls. But maybe you should remind your mom that you are aware of your age and you know what it takes to raise a child and that is EXACTLY why it is the perfect time.
I think your great and considering you have had luck with what my husband and I have to do, I view you as my inspiration. I know it can work. Maybe not the first time(knock on wood) but it CAN work.
Take Care and know there are some of us out there that know how you feel.

Sylvia

 

Fortyfour - May 28

Hi ladies, Meridith, I dont think I would talk to your sis about you journey because it will just cause you more pain. We have enough of that .

I have 2 sis's that tolerate some of my conversations but only in small doses. Most of my friends do not want to hear about it. Without you guys I would have been in the nut ward.

I am sorry we all have to put up with peoples opinions that are not positive. Whenever my hubbies mom calls she says, I hope you are not still trying, you are to old to be a dad. He gets so upset it makes me want to cry. Why does she think its any of her buisness.

Most people around me think I am too old and do checks ever once in awhile to see what is going on. "Are you still wanting a baby they ask?"
I would love to say, oh no, I decided that this month I was too old to have one. I wonder what they would say.

I think I am at a perfect age and stage in my life to have a child. I wont have to work all the time and leave my kid in childcare like I did with my first. I can enjoy being a mom. I dont care if they dont get it anymore.

 

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