I feel like shit today
6 Replies
mo - October 30

I never thought i'd be one of those people who would be so emotionally debilitated by this entire process; but i am.

It's past midnight, and I am up crying because for the first time through this journey, things are hitting me hard.

My best friend, who is 9 weeks pregnant asked me today what is going on. How could i tell her? I am so ashamed of myself! So ashamed for my husband and I. But I cannot have him see me so sad because he will be too, and I can't afford to have him see me this way because I have to be his rock, as he is mine.

I just wish he could go and find himself someone else to marry and have kids with, i really do. Because i can't stand my share of the guilt we are bearing.

I am a bit of a perfectionist, i guess. I hate to be at fault for anything...if i can prevent something, i'll do my absolute best but this is out of my control and it's KILLING me!

I was injecting myself for about 20 days last month...until the clinic concluded they had started me off on too high a dose of Follistim. Why and how couldn't they have known?? Look at my damn age! they had the baseline data...I had LOTS of follies, but none matured. And today they had a meeting and discussed my case briefly. BRIEFLY??? i just wish it was f'n morning so i could call and talk to someone!

i am not a experiment, my husband and I's lives depend on this; our future depends on this and these people discuss my case briefly!

Then they tell me that because i was almost hyperstimulated, I have a chance of ovarian cysts! WTF!!!!so they're going to have me on the pill longer! They are bearing NO responsibility while we pay thousands out of our pockets; but to them i'm only a number, a faceless chart. While my boobs are so sore i can't even lay down on them; they go home to their lives, waking up the next day to the grind of patients called ME.

I have been avoiding all my pregnant friends. I just can't help it. I can't stand to be asked, by new mom friends when i'm going to get pregnant. I have eggs, i have ovaries but my tubes are shot! how the hell do i tell them that?

My F'n tubes are shot!!!! and it was my fault that they are this way!!! it's my fault that my eggs have no choice but to be dumped off into my abdominal cavity because they can't make their way down my tubes.

I just want to escape from it all. From my work, my life...just start all over; be isolated.

But i'm going to be positive. I'm going to turn this around because this crying will only make me old; it'll only affect my health even more.

I know i sound psychotic but i need a good cry right now. Perhaps it's a symbol of a new beginning. I know a lot of you are going thru similar emotions so i appreciate your thoughts.

Tomorrow, I'm calling the clinic and demanding some answers. i refuse to be a faceless chart!!!

...and now i want some ice cream
:)

 

Hope33 - November 3

Mo,

Your subject line is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I had my first IUI and it wasn't a success. It was so upsetting and disappointing. We've been ttc for almost 3 years now and I've been having feelings of bitterness, anger, sadness and I'm really having a hard time dealing with it lately.
We're trying again and I'm taking Femara and it's giving me really bad headaches and making me emotional.
My best friend is also pregnant, so is my sister in law and also my coworker who sits on the other side of my cube. Today she found out the gender of her baby and was calling everyone she knows to tell them about it. When I'm at work, I try to concentrate on work and try not to worry about ttc but when I have pregnant girl sitting on the other side of my cube its a constant reminder EVERY day. I've just been having the hardest time keeping it together this week.
Anyway, I think it's good to cry and let it out. I went to have acupuncture yesterday for the first time because I'm desperate to feel better. I don't think it's working yet but they say it takes a couple of sessions to get results.
How is everything going with you now? Did your doctors get the dose of your medication correct? Did you get the answers you were looking for?

Hope

 

mjforney - November 4

Mo:
Doing what you are doing by venting to us is what you need! I understand how you feel and completley understand your "Anxiety" around woment hat are pg. Last Christmas I was at your point. I went to a party and a women walked in with a 3 day old infant...I totally hyperventilated and could not breath! I actually, out of deepest depression asked HER to leave the party or to get that ?baby out of the room!" I could not believe I said that, I was always the one to run up to any baby and grab and love on it! My friends were shocked and ONLY ONE friend truly understood how I felt and had to step in and explain to everyone (she went through 3 IVF's and had to abort 2 of her pregnancy's at 16 weeks due to major diseases they carried!).
After that I had 8 UNSUCCESSFUL IUI's and in the middle was NOT happy with my Dr so I found a new clinic (my inital Dr. called me and told me I was pg one time and called back 3 days later and said ..."Oops, I called the wrong patient. You are not prego!!!" I lost ALL hope and was sooooooooo negative I was ready to file for divorce or go off and get prego by anyone! I tell you...my emotions ran wild!

Finally, I had some awakening (after taking 4 months off).... my awakening was CELEXA... it helped and I got positive.My attitude changed and I finally put myself in the right frame of mind. I went through IVF and finally received good news.


Please HANG IN THERE.... I know where you are emotionally right now and I wish I could be there and give you a huge HUG and tell you that I understand! Stay in touch on here.... these ladies will also be your saving grace!

xoxoxoxxoxo

 

nycgirl717 - November 8

mo i know how u feel completely. my husb and i have just started going through this process in august and we have been hitting a few road blocks long the way. i have 1 blocked tube.we are waiting on him to get cleared for anesthesia so he can have electroejaculation for our iui rounds. he's a diabetic and his dr won't clear him until he gets a stress test,which our ins just approved.meanwhile he had to cancelk the appt he had for the test because hid dr's ofc told him he wasnt approved when in fact he was!! today they told him the cardiologist has no more appts, and we have no idea when they are going to be able to fit him in. when he called to tell me this news he was obviously stressed, and we ended up having an argument. now i feel bad all over again. this shit is really starting to take its toll and we've only just begun! i've been battling anxiety and depression for a few years now, and am happy to say that i was able to come of zoloft and manage my emotions very well--until now. it looks like we may not be able to start the iui's until next yr if we miss my next cycle in december. i know i should be patient with him but i cant help but feel resentment towards him for all of his health problems. i love him to death and these feelings make me feel bad all over again. i don't want this to strain our marriage but it is. AND...

my best friend just had a baby and although she is soo supportive and eager for me to get pregnant i can't help but be jeolous. i hate myself for it. all she talks about when she is not talikng about my godson is "when u get pregnant..." and so on. i know she's trying to make me feel better and i believe she means it but its starting to get on my nerves. i pray for patience and a baby. every female i know has a child. i never thought i'd be one of those "infertile" people. never.

 

j3nn - November 11

Mo, I hope you are still checking in here. I truly hear what you are saying and am hoping you've received the answers you need. If you've chosen to stay with the same clinic I hope they are giving you better care as of now. No one should feel like cattle proded and such.

Seems like everyone these days is on anti depressants. I hope the good cry was all you needed to get yourself back to where you needed to be. I'm wishing you luck in this venture.

 

neashea36 - November 12

HELLO GIRL I AM FEELING YOUR HURT AND PAIN. I ALWAYS BLAME MYSELF FOR MY DAMAGED GOODS. I WAS A FOSTER CHILD AND RAN THE STREETS AT A VERY EARLY AGE. NOW I AM MARRIED AND HAVE NO CHILDREN I CRY I GET DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME BUT I PRAY AND GET HAPPY AGAIN. I HAVE HAD TWO COWORKERS WHO HAD BABIES AND I AM STILL SITTING WITH NONE. I AM THE ONLY CHILD ALSO HAVE MEDICAL CONDITIONS AND HAVE NO FAMILY BUT MY HUSBAND WHO IS SOMEWHAT SUPPORTIVE BUT I TRULY BELEIVE IN GOD AND I WANT YOU TO PRAY TO HIM GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY. I PRAY ALL THE TIME AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FEELING LIKE S... TODAY AND THE NEXT DAY PUTTING YOUR SUPERWOMAN SHIRT ON. STAY STRONG BABY....DON'T GIVE UP.

 

mo - November 21

Hi Ladies,

Thank you! For some reason i did not get these posts/replies but i am sooo happy to have received all this feedback from you ladies. THANK YOU.

Yeah, my best friend calls me all the time to give me updates on her baby. Today it was the baby's heartbeat. Over the weekend it was the ultrasound...then she wanted me to go maternity shopping w. her....she doesn't know and i've been distancing myself, despite attempts to psyche myself not to...(smile). She even suggested that i buy ovulation kits to see what's going on!!! THE IRONY!!

Well, my clinic is now aware that i don't take shiznit and i'll call them over and over until i get what i want! They now have the lead Physician/Director as my doctor. They now have me on low dose HCG cos i responded so aggressively initially. But i think they know that if it doesn't work it BETTER not be because i'm an outlier, and they're not used to me...I called and demanded some questions and they definitely KNOW who i am!!!

So...I've started on LUPRON again! Day 2. Head is pounding, boobs are sore as hell, I can barely get down stairs w/o holding them...i honestly can't wait to get off the pill and get my period cos i've always been eating worse than Miss Piggy! Today it was 20pieces of McChicken at McD's...last time i had Chicken nuggets was in highschool! 1994!!!

Pregnancy's going to be a bitch for me!!!

Thank you again ladies. I appreciate your sentiments. I LOVE how honest everyone is! I LOVE that you make me realize that I am human...that it's okay to want to kill your pregnant cube mate who is so damn insensitive...but isn't really LOL! Or that you can just lose your cool and tell a guest to leave w.her damn baby!!! that cracks me up...we are human!!

Nycgirl, remember what it's like to be in your hubby's shoes. that he's a guy, and will never share his fears w. you but he cries alone, with no one to talk to. He knows you blame him. So find a way make him feel like a man again...cos he needs you....and know that if the roles were reversed, his shoulder would be the one you'd be crying on.

Thanks for letting me cry ladies. I hope you're there for me when i need to lose the weight gained from all the ice cream binges!!

 

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