How low can I go.
28 Replies
Fortyfour - October 30

Hey ladies, I have had a rough few days. I dont know how much is hormonal and how much is normal depression over my m/c's and finding out that my body is not letting my babies live. I have been on birth control or I have no normal periods or moods. I start feeling pmsy a week ago and still have a week to go on the pills. I feel sadness in my stomach and my heart. I wonder if maybe I should go on an antidepressant or change to a stronger pill. My self esteem has taken a dive this week which is not normal for me. I suppose feeling worthless is a sign of depression. I really hate what I am going through and dont know if I should wait it out or what. I know I should see the doc and ask but I absolutely hate it. Geez. Does anyone else feel this way and hate talking to your doc? This is absolutely painful. I dont think my car accident which is still causing me alot of pain is helping either. I have had trouble sleeping at night. Thanks for listening and sorry for being a bummer. Love you guys.

I hate infertility.

 

Mahogany Heart - October 30

Fortyfour,

I know the road is rough for you now and you may not see your way clear but what ever you do baby don't give up. You don't want to get on no more pills then you are already on.

You know what I really wish we all live in the same town so we could have a ladies day out but we don't so you are going to have to grab three of your close friends and have a ladies day out.

Go have breakfast, Get your hair done, go get a manicure and pedicure, a facial and massage. Make sure you buy you something sexy for that night. After all that is done go to Movies and see the funniest movie playing. After all that is over go to the one of the ladies you were with and change into that sexy outfit you picked up early. Then go home to your dh have a glass of red wine play song love music like Sada, Luther, Mary J. Blige MyLife Cd or Babyface you know whatever set the mood and then make love to your husband. Girl you will be fine.

Now if you want to turn up the heat when you reach home instead of turning your key knock on the door so he can answer it and see you standing there looking all sexy and beautiful just for him. You will blow his mind.

Don't think of Ov, AF or anything dealing with Fertility or Infertility.

And we Love you too.

 

oneandonlymel - October 31

fourtyfour- I was depressed after my miscarriages and I felt alone as in nobody understood how sad I really was. Everyone deals with things differently and I believe sometimes you need something to get you through it. You have been through soooo much and if I was your doctor I would say you should get on something just short term to help you! I would talk to your doctor and there are certain antidepressants that are ok if you should get pregnant! I hope you are feeling better and I know you will get through all this!!

 

baby4us - October 31

44 - you have been through so much.. and I know you want to stop feeling the way you do.. but it is also perfectly normal... and even better that you have recognized these signs... your body has been through so much -- too much! and this is your body's response.. so don't beat yourself up about it.

But I think it is probably a good idea to talk to your doctor.. even though it really is the last thing you want to do. He can either prescribe something.. or at least monitor you..or hook you up with someone else who has gone through something similar? Who knows.. but the doc is here to help..

And in the meantime.. don't be too hard on yourself.. just take it one day at a time... we are all thinking of you and wishing you the best of everything...

 

WantsBaby2 - October 31

Fourtyfour,
Infertility is indeed a very lonely road. You HAVE been through SOOOO much in the last year. Maybe try to give yourself a break. It's ok to feel sad, depressed and heartbroken. It's normal I think. You can't go through all the things you have gone through and be able to act like nothing happened.

I have not even gone through any m/c and I feel lonely, sad, and just plain numb these days. I don't know how to deal with the sadnesss anymore, so I just turn myself off. I can't even get excited about my upcoming IVF because I am so afraid of being cancelled again.

I guess I am trying to say, is be very gentle to yourself. This has been a difficult and horrible journey for you. I think m/c after extreme infertility just plain messes with your mind. How can it not? ??? I can't even imagine. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Just remember, you do have the friendship of so many ladies here who all know that you are a very kind and special woman. You are always so wonderful and supportive of all the ladies on this site. Women dealing with infertility are grappling with soooooo much emotionally. It's a wonder we aren't all batty. Tell that hubby of yours to take extra good care of you during these times. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Wantsbaby2

 

silli_kitti - October 31

44 *hugz* to you.

IF is the pits, I know exactly how you feel. My beta hell sent me over the edge into the abyss of clinical depression. It was the straw that broke the camel's back - after all the trying, all the meds, all the pains and symptoms, after all the BFNs, finally something positive! And then it turns to sh*t. I didn't know how to handle it. And I was all alone. DH just got sick of my perpetual lousy mood and oh-woe-is-me attitude - he kept saying "snap out of it, there's nothing you can do about it now."

That's when I realized I needed help, WE needed help, and we sought out counselling. I was never one to put any kind of foreign chemicals into my body if I didn't have to, and I didn't want any anti-depressants, which were offered to me.

Counselling was the answer for us, for me. Are you open to the idea?

There's not much else I can say to help, because I can't possibly know how you feel. I can't imagine how hard it must be, to have seen your babies' heartbeats, and then to see them gone. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Please, talk to your doctor, he is there to help.

I hope you find some peace soon. You are a strong woman, I know you will survive.

 

Karen123 - October 31

44, There was a time in my life where death, failed adoption plans and many other factors took all hit me and took their toll on me. At 38 years old, I told my doctor that although I wasn't to the point of wanting to hurt myself, I was so down all the time that I felt life was just too hard to face. Surprisingly, he immediately put me on anti-depressants without any type of judgement. He said that many, many people go through very rough times and I should not be ashamed in any way that I needed some help. You know, you are the first person I've told about this besides my very best friend and DH. I had suffered great loss that I won't get in to and although they weren't magic pills that sprang me back to normal right away, after a few weeks, they kind of took the edge off. I think that the time passing and the bit of help from the medication got me through a very rough time. I took them for 4 months then weaned myself off before looking into IVF. I know that everyone is different and different things may help. I just want to say that you should talk to your doctor (who should completely understand) and make the choice that is right for you. I truly hope you can find peace and somehow manage to move on. We've all seen your amazing strength but I know that sometimes you feel like your strength is gone. I'm so glad I made it through that horrible time of loss in my life and found happiness. I hope and pray that you do too. Hold your head up high no matter what you choose. Karen

 

Fortyfour - November 1

Thank you so much ladies. I dont feel like I am the only one feeling that way. When I woke up Monday it was like 50% of the pain was gone and I was able to move through my day. We had alot of trick or treaters and that made us laugh. (and wonder if we will have a little one by next Halloween) I started some St Johns wort and made an appt with my doctor for next Tuesday. I will talk to him about maybe some actual estrogen and progesterone support since I am perimenopausal and the pill just dont help that much anymore. I think what it came down to on Sunday is that I was so made that I have the desire in my heart for children and have had that since my early20's. Now I find out my body wont let them live. The only positive to that is that we have modern science to make my body less reactive and help the babies live. 20 years ago they wouldnt have been able to do this for me.

Thanks once again for your thoughts. You all have helped me once again.

 

Mahogany Heart - November 1

Your welcome, thats what are here for. For the support of each other. Glad to hear your are okay.



Keep the Faith!!!

 

TICKINGCLOCK - November 1

44
Your in my thoughts and prayers. Remember you are a amazing women going through all this. It takes a special kind of person to deal with this battle. Your feelings and heartache are normal but frustrating I know. Sometimes I want to say lets just take a break from it all but that scares me even more because I am 37 now, no time for breaks. Its just a little harder for us because of our age but it means the world to us thats why we keep trying. "We can win this battle" I know it!
I was thinking of what my advice to be for you and I just wished I had a magic wand to make things all better but since I dont, heres a thought..
I just emailed big brothers and sisters in my area and signed up to be a big sister. I thought instead of focusing on how heart broken I am I could keep myself busy and warm someone elses. It could be both a wonderful experience for both you and a child that doesnt have anyone. "think about it"
Hold your head up high and remember what a special person you are.
Gina

 

Fortyfour - November 1

Hi - I spoke with the nurse in the docs office today and they put me on high doses of fish oil, b6 and folate to help out my body. Since this happened 2 months after the m/c she thinks it's postpartum depression and if I dont feel better in 2 weeks I will go on an antidepressant.

I feel much better today than this weekend for whatever reason. I had to laugh when she told me i needed to get my body back to normal. I had to remind her at my age I have no normal. Its all artificial at this point.

Take care all.

 

fiso - November 1

Hang in there. Be good to yourself. Do little things that make you happy, whatever it is, wether, it's going to the park with your favorite book, and read for a little while, away from people who might make you feel sorry for yourself. Take a nice bath, listen to calm music and meditate if you can. Your mind needs to be at peace in order to help you heal.
Don't give up. Those hormones are evil! They want to control your mind, show them that you can steal a few minutes of peace from them by doing something good for yourself.

 

Fortyfour - November 1

Thanks Fiso - What are you going through right now?

 

fiso - November 2

I'm brand new to this forum. Until now, I thought I could do it on my my own, but after seeing what everybody was going through, it made me feel better. I'm not alone. I just found out a week ago that I was pregnant, finally, but on monday the HCG levels were way too low.....so, I'm just waiting now for my body to get rid of all that baby stuff. I've had 2 IUIs and this was my first IVF. I was so confident it would work. My husband is very supportive. That helps a lot. My doctors ant the nurses at IVFNJ are great. That's a plus. Right now, I'm trying to get myself together, concentrate on work ( I work from home, by myself, which is helping, I don't have to explain to my co-workers why I don't feel good today). But I'm not giving up. Neither should you. I truly believe in the power of life.

 

snindy - November 2

44,
I felt depressed after having a miscarriage.
All I wanted to do was lay in bed. I actually had to put a front on for everyone around me. They really don't know that I do cry when I see baby commercials or cry when I find out someone I know is pregnant. I'm starting to get better but I think I will always carry that sadness in my heart and wonder what my baby would of looked liked.

It takes time to get over a death of a baby or anyone that has passed on, so don't beat yourself up, it's normal to feel this way for awhile.

All of us out here don't want to see you give up! You have been supportive and strong for us, so let us do the same for you! we won't let you fall apart!!!! We want you to get better. Talking about it will help you out a lot. We are your listeners. We will even cry with you!!!

Cindy


 

fiso - November 2

You know, after I found this site last night. it scared me to read everyone's stories. It's like, Oh my, so many women go through that. What's going on?? But after I received your reply, I realized that you guys can understand what I'm going through. And that's helping. Thank you for being out there. I'm also available for whoever needs me.

 

Fortyfour - November 3

Hi - Well now I know it was alot hormones. I started my period while still having pills left. I dont have that super depressed feeling at all today just tired and a little irritable.

Fiso - Sorry about the chemical pregnancy. The positive is you got pg. Take care.

 

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