sharedjourney home

Sorry that is happening in your marriage. My husband is hardly home but when he is look out. He works out of state so he is home maybe one weekend in two months. When I have o cm and good amount of it he is more than 600 to a 1000 miles away from home so unless he is superman then no chance lol.
Have you gone to counseling or thinking about going.
Does he want children maybe he is scared to have one or just not ready now.
Have you both sat down and asked eachother what it is that you both want out of a marriage and life.
I hope I am not stepping out of place but my first marriage was kind of like this except I was pg before we got married and then it went down hill form there, I was only 15yrs and he was 23yrs and we got divorced after 9 yrs but it was more than the sex and intimacy but that did play a role in it.
Any way maybe stay off the ovulation thing and baby making talk and sit down and have a nice romantic dinner and just talk about life to try and get him to understand you and see if something is going on with him.

Good luck and don't give up
Stay open and honest with each other and you will be ok

Best wishes and good health

I can SO relate! I FINALLY got the positive OPK, this month, for the first time ever, and DH was aware, and fell asleep on me last night and the night before! I knd of gave it to him a bit this a.m. (I do understand, to an extent) but all he could say was "I wish you were this into it when it's not peak time." WHAT??? I just left it at that. He was half joking when he said it, but I was not laughing! Anyhow, so we slept thru peak time, this month will be a waste. I am already counting myself out. I am extremely frustrated, feeling we just blew our best chance....STUPID, STUPID MEN!

Tracy

Maybe you guys should not be so vocal about ovulating. Just keep it quiet and too yourself and then around ovulation time, initiate sex and maybe he won't feel so much pressure.

Fiestebrown- I think that you should really sit down and talk to your DH about your wants. Make sure you are both on teh same page. Do you really want to bring a baby into a marriage where there is not a lot of open communication. It will never work that way! You need to take it a little slower. You did just get married and it sounds like you haven't known each other for very long. Take some time together first, then making a baby will be so much more worth it.

Speaking for myself only, my DH was as excited about my + OPK as I was, however, the last two days he has spent working outside all day in 100 degree weather! So I did not put ANY pressure on him, as I said I do understand to an extent. It is still frustrating, nonetheless, and I am am simply speaking of timing BD'ing with the OPK as we were previously just trying to time BD with specific CD's.

fiestebrown - I am sorry for wht you are going thru with your DH. I hope that you are able to find the romance and intimacy again. I am curious at to whether your DH's sex drive is different from when you were first together or if this has been an ongoing issue?

Tracy

I can relate. I went through this with my husband literally for years. When we got married we had a great sex life. After a couple years, at the time I was 32, I started to try and push that we really should start trying to get pregnant. We, of course had discussed all this before we got married and were totally in synch about what we wanted. However, when it actually came to reality not theory he kind of froze up on me. At first it was that he was always tired. I did not really make a big deal at the time as I was still in the ignorant “it will just happen for us” stage. Later I started to realize he always seemed to be traveling for work around the middle of my cycle. And so it went and I kept brushing it off until I realized I really was getting old and our sex life was not so great anymore.

Might not have been the best response, but it was at this time that I decided to totally freak out about everything that was going on. I became very confrontational etc that I was getting older and we really needed to deal with this right now. Without going into detail my husband grew up in a dysfunctional family where his mother was an extreme alcoholic and verbally abusive so unfortunately his response when I became more demanding about all this (never abusive) was to shut down and withdrawal even more. He said he always coped with his mother by just sort of playing ostrich, sticking his head in the ground, and denying that there was a problem and that was exactly how he dealt with this problem.

At the time we had just bought a new house and we were in the process of gutting it, we had bitten off a lot more than we could chew financially so I thought if we backed off the baby issue at least that would help reduce some of his stress. I also felt badly that I was making him relive childhood traumas. Therefore I decided to completely back off for a year. I thought this way things would calm down and correct on their own. And things did calm down but did not totally correct so I woke up one day and realized I was now 36 and really getting old. I went back into panic mode. And the circle started over but this time I was not willing to back off. Our marriage at this point was in a very difficult place as I was 1. Not willing to back off this time and 2. I was actually really angry at him for putting us in this position again and was still not being more proactive in seeking counseling or something so he could deal with his demons, and 3 Now I was of “advanced maternal age” and all that that implies and still not pregnant.

It took us about another 6 months of really opening up to each other, stripping away everything and learning about each other in a new way before I think we were strong enough to come back and try the TTC again. The good news is I know I love him more than ever and I think our marriage is stronger for having survived those years but the bad news is that the TTC still has not worked and now at 38 we are quite desperate and about to start IVF.

I bring all this up because sometimes the DHs really are just tired and it is OK to not make a big deal out of it, but if it were to become any kind of pattern I would pay attention. In hindsight I so regret that I kept letting things go month after month always thinking it would change. I really feel that in a way I am being punished, that if I had handled things better when I was 32 that I would not have to do the IVF at 38.

I understand Asunflower’s advice about keeping the pressure off the guys by not letting them in on all the timing but I know when I tried it, that for me, it made things worse. I felt I was the one waking up every morning peeing on a stick, taking my temperature, vitamins, and charting etc, in effect doing everything and that put all the pressure on me. I felt myself asking why should he get a free pass here, and I would have kind of a low burn simmer going all the time that could escalate to anger way too easily. I wanted him to be a part of all this TTC. I am sure sunflower’s advice is quite wise and maybe those of you more selfless than me can give it a try.

My last piece of advice is do not be afraid of confronting him about this. As Grandmaof2 said the best place to bring a child into is a marriage that knows how to communicate. I will admit it was hell to go through but now that those problems are over in a way it was worth enduring those times to get to where we are now. We are much better connected and I am much more confident and secure in my marriage. The other thing I realized was that at first I only saw the “TTC process” as a means to an end which was of course a baby, now I see it defined much more in terms of me and my husband and there are things to learn here regardless of whether or not we can ever have that baby. For me this really changed the dynamic of everything and for what it is worth that was really when sex could become fun again.

Lastly, as I see I have written a small book and I apologize for that, I want to thank you all for writing this thread. When I went through it with my husband I felt so ashamed, and I did not have the courage to tell anyone. Everyone knew I wanted a baby very badly so how could I say that well the problem is I can not keep my DH interested in sex? So anyway thank you for giving me an opportunity to get all this out. I think I say it about every time I write a reply on this site but I can not believe how much it helps to have an outlet like this. Thanks for listening.

Thanks so much ladies for your responses. I know for a fact he wants kids we want at least 2 and maybe 3 if our finances can handle it. I am 28 and he is 35 each month needs to count, I am sick of taking this nasty geritol!!!! LMAO!

This morning he woke up and apologized for not being in the mood lately, he said that when work stresses him out it takes away his sex drive. That may be true but I still think his drive is sort of low. This morning he was being a little bit more affectionate with me. I honestly think he does not know how to be. He even said that he was going to treat me to something he said he was going to do for a while now (reference from my initial post) He He He!

I don't believe I will tell him next time I am ovulating just come on to him a little stronger that way he does not feel pressured to perform.

Lila I wish you and your husband the best of luck.
Congrats Tracylee

Asunflower that is the same thing my mom says, but like I said earlier I am 28 and he is 35 and we want 3 children, we really don't plan on waiting. But, thanks for the advice.


Wow grandmaof2 I don't know how you do it. It was hard for me when I dated a trucker who was only home every other weekend. You are a better woman than me!!!

Thanks everyone, good luck on your journey.

Hopefully tonight (which he promised me would be quite nice) won't be too late. My chart says I am ovulating today but from my body signals it seemed like it started Wednesday.

Sorry to butt in, but wanted to share this idea with you all. We have a code at our house for ovulation. I found a pillow in the mall. On one side it said "Tonight" and on the other "Not Tonight". On days that I am ovulating or just feeling a little on the frisky side, I casually put it on his side of the bed and vice versa. It has become a real game at our house. DH is not real open about talking about strips, and mucus and all that wonderful stuff. This keeps us both happy. No pressure.

Oh no you aren't butting in , that is great advice. That is why I like this forum, everyone is so nice. Can you believe there are actually cyber bullies and cyber cliques out there????....

Wow what store did you get that pillow from that sounds like fun, what a wonderful idea!!! :P

That pillow is a great way to get the point across without going into detail! Awesome!

Hey girls,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I lost the subject and did not click to notify of reply.
Ok, the pillow came from a Speciality Shop we have here. It's a mom and pop store. But I gave my best friend one that I had made up. Take a pillow case that matches your room to anyone in your area that does embordiary. Have them stitch on one side TONIGHT and on the other NOT TONIGHT. I had them add flowers to match her room. It's awesome. Plus it was only like $10. Verses the $25 I paid for the entire pillow. She loves it. She is going through infertility also. My husband thanks it's great when I put it on the bed. It is the only way that I would be the aggressor.
Keep me posted.
Kel

oo... all your posting make me laugh, good laugh, we are wives are so funny, my hope to all of you get pregnant soon, as I wish for myself also.