Still very depressed
148 Replies
Aimee37 - July 1

Hi all- I just want to join this forum in hopes to feel less alone. I had my first IVF in early June. My first BETA came back wonderfully and I was so elated!!!! :) I was soooo happy that I could not contain myself. 3 days later I went back for my 2nd BETA. My nurse calls me at work and I was completely devestated. The news hit hard as I started getting really hot and started to sweat. :( I could not believe what I was hearing. My nurse told me to stop all meds and to come in for a few more blood tests to see if the levels are dropping. How devestating, to go from an ultimate high to an ultimate low. I am really feeling discouraged now about my next IVF, thinking that this will happen again? What a dark lonely feeling. I can't help be rethink what I did that caused this unfortunate mishap. Was it my work stress? That one cup of coffee I snuck? Ugh.....

Well, my period did not take long to get here. talk about the worst cramps!!!! It was really heavy stuff. I will not have my next IVF until September. My RE wants my body to heal. I want things to happen fast but my unterus will be better off for the next cycle.

I just pray that there is nothing wrong with me that is caused this? My RE says I have excellent lining and all my blood work looks great.

I am big time obsessing right now and it is not doing me any good.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this. I just need to reach out to others right now in hopes to gain some help/support

 

Fortyfour - July 5

Hi - I am sorry for your loss. This whole process is definetly a rollercoaster. Time heals but a hell of a time it is. Did they check the fetus to see what happened to it? It is so hard not to know. Take care and good luck in Sept.

 

Slatka - July 5

Hi Aimee --

I'm so sorry for your experience -- what a painful roller coaster. I have not had IVF -- that well may be my route in the future if we continue to have trouble conceiving -- but I can relate to your feelings.

I had a miscarriage at 6-7 weeks on March 1st. We had been trying for quite awhile. And we were devastated. I kept thinking, why did I wait so long to try to conceive (I'm 33)? What contributed to this (I am underweight, I love diet coke too much, I partied in my twenties, I do kickboxing and more active sports, etc) -- what did I do to bring this about? After lots of talks with my doc, with family, I know nothing I did brought this about. Just as nothing you did -- that cup of coffee was not the culprit! And your body will recover.

Sometimes these things just happen. I know it's a cliche, but it is true in most cases like this. The body makes its own decisions -- in my case, the pregnancy was not "normal" genetically/chromosomally and my body "knew" it could not suport it to term.

It sounds like your body is going to recover and your uterus is healthy. I'm trying to sound so wise, but I know the obsession you feel -- after the m/c, I wanted to start ttc again right away, but I had to go through a full cycle at least and now my husband and I are trying again. No luck so far, though.

You did nothing wrong -- and there's nothing you could've done. It's a helpless feeling, but it was out of your hands, as it was out of mine. But there is hope and you have a plan for the future in September -- that will come pretty quickly. I pass along good thoughts to you; don't even step toward the worrying about what went wrong (this is hard not to do, I do it too much!). Sometimes we won't understand the "why" of a situation until much later. Good luck!
Slatka

 

Aimee37 - July 5

Thank you 44 & Slatka-

Just a breif background. I do nto have fertility issues. I am a single mother by choice who had not found mr. right yet. I decided to jump to IVF after 3 failed IUI's. I never thought that I would have a m/c and that my chances ewre very high that my first IVF would work. NOT. To top it off, I have not been coping too well with the loss.

Sunday morning I decided I was to enjoy the weather & go for a 30 mile bike ride. I felt great (full of energy) and was quite aggressive through out my ride. The last 10 miles was on a busy road. This is when all hell broke loose…

All I remember was hitting uneven pavement, everything after that was a blur. The next thing I know, I hear sirens and I am in an ambulance covered with blood. It felt like someone put a jack hammer to my head. I was soon sick to my stomach due to my head injury.

I was told that there were 2 bystanders that witnessed the whole thing and came to my rescue. They say that I lost balance and hit a pole straight on and did a flip in the air and hit my head on the pavement. I am still freaked as I don’t remember any of this.

After I was awaken in the ambulance, the EMT’s tried to keep me awake. As soon as we got to the hospital, I was wheeled into the trauma unit and from there they took a c-scan and found a slight bleed in my head, something that will heal on it’s own. Apparently, I have a 3 inch gash to my head and it took 17 stitches to sew up. Before they stitched me up, I was given morphine. It still hurt so terribly bad when they stitched my head up that the Dr. had to keep injecting my scalp with numbing medicine. After I was stitched up the nurses came in and treated all my road rash, scrapes & cuts.

I was kept overnight for observation and on some good pain meds so I pretty much slept most of the time. They released me this morning despite being very dizzy/nauseated and sore as hell. Thank golly the Dr. gave me a weeks worth of Vicadin for pain. The Dr. told me I cannot be alone for the next 3 days, so I am at my dad’s house right now. My dad has been so sweet to me. Looks like I will miss my BETA today. I will have to delay that until Thursday.

Unfortunately, I have been pretty out of control since my recent loss. I have been using running/biking as a source to “numb out”. Friday I even went for a 10 mile run despite my abdomen pain, venting my frustrations the entire way and even crying midway. I am a mess and am not handling my emotions in a constructive manner. I have to learn to slow down and take good care of myself otherwise I will never make it to my next IVF. None the less, this incident was a real wake up call.

 

Slatka - July 5

Hi Aimee (and hi to you FourtyFour) --

Wow. Aimee, you've just gone through a major, major event -- I'm glad you're with your dad now (let him take care of you -- I know it's hard for me to be dependent on anyone, for anything, but sometimes you have to just "be" and not "do" -- if that makes sense). I'm so glad you are -- you will be -- ok physically. In time, emotionally as well.

After my loss I almost tried to punish my body for "failing" me. I've always been active -- kickboxing, yoga, aggressive type stuff, but afterwards I returned to working out/exercising with a vengeance, trying to separate my mind from my body. I can understand the drive you've been feeling to "numb out" through running and biking. You've already come to a positive realization that took me awhile to reach: you must, MUST take care of your body and mind or else it can't be a good, healthy place for a pregnancy.

I never really thought of myself as getting married, never thought about being a mom until 2-3 years ago. Now, because it isn't easy for me, it's become the challenge of my life. I admire your determination to have a child on your own (though I am sure you are not alone with family and friends) and I can appreciate the sadness you are feeling. If there's anything I can do, let me know. Feel free to keep talking if that helps you deal with this loss.

Heed the message from your accident (I'm not sure if these things come from god, the universe or our own subconscious -- that's a whole other discussion!): take care, you were blind-sided by this pregnancy loss, you have the strength to not be blind-sided again. Again, I'm so glad you are ok. Take care --

Slatka

 

Aimee37 - July 6

Hi Slatka- I can't tell you how much your support means to me. I am definitely self punishing myself for what happened and not being able to hold on to the pregnancy. Keep thinking it is something that I did. :( My RE assures me that I did everything right & that it was most likely due to a chromosonal defect in the embryo and it is just natural for the body to want to have a m/c.

This morning I went into the clinic for the first time since the accident, since I am now able to drive. The staff was pretty sympathetic. I actually told the nurses at the front desk that I should not have been out there riding because I was just too agressive. They looked at me like I was nuts. ??? I guess I should not have said that. They might want to have me re-evaluated byt the shrink there at the clinic. Hope not.

Yes I am going thru this alone, no one knows of my plans to have a child except for my dad. I do not want the added stress/anxious when TTC. My mom and sisters would not let the issue rest and be in my face all the time. I wish I would have found Mr. right so I would not have to go this route but the thought of wanting a child of my own had been my dream for a long time. It is now or never.

This was a real wake up call for me. You are right, I really have to slow down and take better care of myself, mentally/physically or a pregnancy might never happen.

Thank you very much Slatka, I really appreciate you taking the time out to reach out to me. *hugs*

 

Slatka - July 7

Hi Aimee --

Just checking in before the weekend...Though we have different circumstances, we have similar feelings, and similar struggles with ourselves. But we'll make it through. For me, every month brings new disappointment and yet, and yet, I still have this tiny sed of hope that things will work out. To be fair, I'm not running around, this happy positive person -- in fact, I'm a highly organized, highly anxious (used to take meds for it) person who absorbs (and probably creates!) stress. I try not to have too many expectations so I won't get disappointed, yet there's something in me that helps me re-bound. But, damn, it's not easy. All I'm trying to say is I sympathize with you -- and I know you will achieve your dream of having your child.

I can understand why you might not want others to know of your journey to conceive. All my family knows and I find myself being purposely vague about when my period is due, so I don't feel their disappointment as well. And if I do get pregnant again, I want to keep it quiet until we're sure it will remain -- but how do I do that when mom's asking, delicately, if I've gotten my period this month???! Oh, for the good old days when women didn't even know they were pregnant until the 3 month!

I'm glad the nurses were sympathetic and you're feeling better. I also know that September when you can try again seems years away.But maybe think of this month and a half as "you" time -- nothing to be tense about. Your only job is to heal and be glad you can try again.

No trouble at all to chat with you -- your own words help me. No one around me is going through anything like what all of us here are going through, so it is good to have some support.
Take care -- Slatka

 

Aimee37 - July 7

HI Slatka- Nice to hear from you again. We seem to have very similar personalities. I too used to take meds for Anxiety. (OCD too) I got off the meds because they made me feel like a zombie. I am much better oft without them. Excerise helps alot. Not excessive excercise though. lol I am also very organized and am a planner. I get upset or anxious when things do not turn out as planned. Knowing that I was pregnant and highly elated (starting to plan) and than going to an extreme low was totally a devestating blow. :( I need to be more patient that things will not happen quickly or as you would like them to. I have to beleive that nature will work its course and will happen at the right time.

I am going to take this time to heal and recoop and gather my thoughts. I will look forward to my next cycle and not be all stressed out going into it. I have to do myself this favor and get all worked up for I need to have a healthy body for a healthy pregnancy.

Your posts are sure helping me out and make me realize alot of things Slatka. I thank you very much for your care and concern. I can't tell you what a big help you have been to me!

Enjoy your weekend!
-Aimee

 

liz - July 8

Aimee,

I came across your posts and just had to write and tell you I am so sorry for your experience. You seem to be a remarkable women and I truly wish the best for you.

I hope you are recovering from your accident. You have had quite a rough couple of weeks. You deserve to let someone help for out for a bit, its great that you have Dad to help.

Reading what you and Slatka have been posting hits home in many ways for me too. I see much of my own personality when I am reading what you are writing.

Slatka, As always you are amazing. Your words seem to be perfect in every situation. You are also a wonderful women. Both of you are full of kindness and have a lot of wisdom, compassion and love to offer.

Try to remember you never have to be alone in this journey. This website is awesome. I have met so many wonderful women who have shared so much and I have shared about myself. It is kinda funny how you can get so close to people you don't even know except through a computer and yet you can share so much with them. I honestly don't know what I would do without the support of everyone here. Its my saving grace.

Take care Aimee and Slatka! Have a nice weekend.
Liz

 

Aimee37 - July 9

Thank you Liz, I appreaciate your reply to my post. This board had definitely helped me out in dealing with my loss. I am feeling less alone in myjourney to beome a momma. I am trying to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is so hard to remain hopeful right now. I will always have the frea at the back of my mind that this misfortune will happen again. :( I am sure that this is all part of TTC and that you are prone to hit obstacles and bumps along the way. I hope my preserverence pays off and that one day my dream will come true.

For now, I am going to try to cope without using such extreme coping mechanisms and deal with my miserable feelings in more productive/healthier manner.

I appreciate your support Liz! :)

 

Slatka - July 9

Hi Aimee --

Hope its been a good weekend. Did some house-hunting in Eastern Maryland (I live in Washington DC), took a long walk by the Potomac, watched the planes fly into National Airport, did my best to be distracted from obsessing about my cycle. I swear, I spend most of my life avoiding pregnancy like the plague and noticing my periods just as a monthly annoyance; now it's like life or death!

I never thought trying to conceive would be such a journey; I thought it would be an occurance, something that just happened, and there you are -- a baby! I now see it as the physical and mental trial it is for many of us...and it IS hard to keep fixated on that light at the end of the tunnel. But we can't let it go out.

I was on Paxil for awhile, then took a break (what a nightmare, literally, it was to get off that drug!!! Never, never never again), then went on Celexa. I've been off for a few years now, mostly because I felt like there was a veil between me and the world. It was like I felt things through water, vaguely. I did not experience the anxiety that tortured me, I had the "balance" I had always longed for, but it was a monotonous balance. Like you said, a zombie. I want a balance achieved with those highs and lows, which I didn't really feel while on meds.

In a way I feel -- and maybe you do, too -- more "proud" that I am coping on my own. You have the mechanism of exercise to help; I do as well, I write, I read, I repeat mantras to myself, always trying to put things into perspective (which is another challenge for me -- the cycle of expectation and disappointment is huge for me. And I'm a generally impatient person -- and I teach in higher ed.: nice combo!!). I get too overwhelmed and pessimistic, especially about my age (33) and the length of time this is taking me to conceive.

Well, I've run on...it's a slow Sunday night and I'm just preparing for the week. Hope you are doing well and not still hurting from your "bicycle adventure". Hang in there -- I'm glad to know you are out there.

Slatka

 

Aimee37 - July 10

Hi Slatka :) Wow! We are neighbors! I live in Fairfax County. Do you know where this is? I live in a town called Vienna. It is about 1-15 min from DC. It is very expensive to live here in Fairfax County, esp. Vienna where everything is taxed. I used to live in Alexandria and always ran, biked, rollerbladed along the Potomac (Old Town) and watched the planes fly by. How sweet!!! Nice distraction.

Yea, me too! I never thought TTC would be such a challenge and I have only TTC 4 times! LOL! (3 IUI's and one IVF) I thought that I would have one IUI and that would get me pregnant. Little did I know!!! I thought that one IVF would finally do to trick. :( Close but no cigar. I am devestated.

You know I wonder if my anxiety/depression has something to do with the m/c? Believe me I have thought of almost everything in the book that would cause this m/c. But...I am really thinking it has alot to do with day 3 transfers. These embies are not as strong as the 5 day transfers and most never gorw and implant because they are not genetically capable.

I was on Prozac and than later Anafranil combined with Trazadone at nite to help me slept and xanex for when my anxiety got real bad. I stopped all meds as soon as I started TTC. I had to give me RE not from my Dr. to say that it is ok. I have actually felt better off of them!

And talk about being impatient! lol I am the worst! I do everything fast. lol Work, run, walk, drive, you name it. Is this my problem? Because I cannot relax? Ok...I am also an obsessional worrier as well. lol

I am feeling a bit better, thank for asking. Still quite sore, dizzy with chronic headaches. I had my s-scan today and all looks good. My stitches come out tomorrow. I will be finally able to wash my hair not just rinse it.

I see we have alot of commonalities. WOW! I am beginning to feel less alone now in my journey. I thank you so much for helping me through my pain and sorrow Slatka. I hope you have a great week ahead of you. :)

 

liz - July 10

Aimee,
You are very welcome. Support is what this site is all about. The journey for each of us has its differences, in the end we are all the same we want to be mothers. I really admire you for your desire to do this alone. You are going to be just fine, you seem to be a very strong, intellegent woment who knows what she wants. That will get you far in life.

I too was on anti-depression medicine and anxiety medicine. I was diagnosed with depression years ago and suffered on and off, on and off meds and now have been off of them completly for about 2 years. When things get really bad in my life, when I am really down I get depressed (like many of us). I hated the meds and had many of the same side effects as both you and Slatka. I was very happy that I was able to go off of them completely and "control" the depression/anxiety on my own. Yes, Sltaka I can realate to the "proud" feeling. I am very proud of myself for being able to control it on my own. It is an awesome feeling to know that you are able to do it!

I don't know if either of read or listen to inspiration books. My dh borrowed a cd from a friend by Tony Robbins, its called power talk. He has a few out there, the one I am listening to know is about faith. It is great, very very inspiration and really makes you think. You can relate it to any situation in your life. I highly recommend it to anyone.

I hope you are both well, take care of yourselves.
Liz

 

Slatka - July 10

HI Aimee (and Liz!) --

Aimee, you are totally close to me -- in fact, we were just at Gravelly Point yesterday along the Potomac, walking to the Tidal Basin and watching the planes at National (ok, Reagan, but it's still National to me!). I absolutely know where you live; it's not far. I go to the Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Falls Church; I'm always on the Orange line to Vienna. That's so funny! Lots of coincidences between us; next you'll be telling me you were born in NJ, your parents are divorced and you have a brother on the West Coast. Then we'll really know this is fate!!!

I think you're right: perhaps the 3 day embryos are the reason for m/c (or simply the embryo did not chromosomally replicate "normally", which is what probably happened to me). Your anxiety did not cause the m/c, as it sounds like you have firm coping mechanisms. I don't have any experience with transfers. For your next try in Sept. can you use 5 day? I'm sorry if I sound ignorant -- if I don't conceive on my own by the end of August, I'm headed to the fertility center and will become much more versed in these things.

You have to have a mind like a steel trap to control anxiety on your own -- I know. I hate it when my mind obsesses and rolls on and on down awful pathways...and I think, who the hell is in control of my mind? Obviously not me at times! And yet, I am. All I can say is, I am much better than I was several years ago. I used to go to bed at night and my mind would whirl for 3 hours before turning off...well, it sounds like you know what I mean.

Ah, yes, patience. Everyone tells us to relax and be patient -- my OB/GYN just told me that on Friday. So I laughed and told her that's the worst thing to say. I know my impatience is linked to my need to control things, not other people, exactly, but cirumstances, outcomes, that sort of thing. I'd love to be carefree, spontaneous, go with the flow (and I sometimes fool myself and others that I am!), but sometimes I just feel life is so terribly, terribly important and I can't waste it, I can just let myself drift.

Blah, blah, blah. So much talking! I just had to write as soon as I saw you live in Fairfax. I used to live in Annandale, VA with my aunt when I was in grad school, so I'm kind of familiar with the whole VA/DC area. It's a little lonely here for me this summer -- and lonelier still because no one really knows what I'm going through. So 'meeting' you through this forum has been a real blessing to me -- I appreciate knowing you, Aimee. I feel I'm learning through you. Though of course we are not completely the same (you wouldn't want to be -- ha, ha!), this whole exchange is a mirror to our lives and it helps.
Take care and talk to you soon -- Slatka

 

Slatka - July 10

Hiya Liz --

I had to break the last post because I found I wrote about a book-length message! It's good to hear you here... I know it's a "countdown" week for you. Next Monday (I think) is a test day for you. I hope that this is the one -- it may very well be.

I find it so interesting that you, too, have suffered through anxiety and depression. I don't know, exactly, what it means, but I find it powerful that similar women with similar past experiences are drawn together, totally without them knowing. I know what you mean about being able to 'do" life on your own, without meds. Life was technically easier, more relaxed when I was on Paxil (which is quite a murderous drug to ween yourself off of), but now I am in control. In a sense, the meds helped give me time to figure out coping strategies, gave me a vacation from the incessent worries in my brain, gave me, then, time to understand how I wanted to exist, how I wanted to move through life. I'm no expert now, but I'm miles ahead of where I was. My simple little motto is to PROGRESS, to EVOLVE everyday: to go forward in large steps or small, so I'm never regretting or lookign back too much.

I've heard of Tony Robbins, but have only seen him on TV (in one of those infomercial type programs that made him look like a televangelist -- in other words, his actual books/message are probably more deeply meaningful than the tv hype). Sounds like an interesting read. I teach literature and writing in college, so a lot of my support comes from literature and history through the centuries. My aunt did give me this little novella called The Story of the Other Wise Man by Henry Van Dyke years ago...worth reading. It's about faith in a Christian context, literally, but I take it more universally, too.

You know I'll be checking in closely, Liz. The camping this weekend will be a lovely distraction. Maybe think of it as your last "wild" weekend before knowing you are pregnant -- positive!
Slatka

 

Aimee37 - July 10

Hi Liz- Sorry you have had to go thru depression :( It is super hard dealing with that deep dark lonely feeling. I would be around family/friends and I would feel misearble and alone. It is esp. hard when you are dealing with TTC and things don't go your way. I hope things are alot better with you. Things are alot better for me now that I am off the meds. Thanks so much for your support and making me feel less alone in my journey to achieve my dream of becoming a momma. :)

I have heard of that Book by Tony Robbins! I have to pick it up and read it! It will definitely do some good for me!!!! Thanks so much Liz!! :)

 

Aimee37 - July 10

Slatka- WOW! How scary! :) We sound so similiar in our thinking/ways of doing things!!! :o LOL!!! Actually, my parents are divorced. Got divorced when I was 13. Alcoholism tore the fmaily apart. I lived with my dad after the divorce, my mother was really abusive to me.

I hope to have a day 5 transfer but I doubt it will happen since my RE put me on basically the same protocol with the lowest does meds possible for an IVF. :( I would like to have more than 15 eggs retrieved so that I can work with more. But...I know she just fears that I will get hyperstimulated so I can understand her decisoins. I just fear another m/c with a 3 day transfer.

Yes, I am also much better "anxiety wise". I used to not be able to sleep a wink because mymind would be racing a mile a minute. How frustrating. It was killing me. Now I am dealing with it better and it is not tearing me up so much. I am not as tense as I used to be and trying to test my patient and not get too upset if things do not happen right away. I know it is all about control. :)

Annandale!?? I went to Annandale High School. I lived on Medford Drive (the street the HS was on) for about 5 years. I am sure you are familiar with Lake Accotink? I ran that lake a million times. Still do because my dad lives in Springfield (right next to the lake)

Wow....

It sure is great getting to know you too and it's just amazing how much in common we have. :) I am learning alot from you and I thank you so much!!

 

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