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Hi Meg
I am Meridith and I am going for a consult this Thursday. I too am nervous.

I wish there was something I could do to help you. I know about the negative feelings and fears of going to "the clinic". I don't have the miscarriage experience so I don't really know what to say on that except that I am sorry. Sadly, lots of women on this board can relate to it though.

Good luck and yay to you for making the appointment, I know it wasn't easy.

Meridith

Meg, it is so nice to hear from you again. After the losses you have had it is so brave of you to try again. I feel the same way about not wanting another mc and I only had one. I want the best eggs only and dont transfer any questionable ones is how I feel.

You need to talk to your doc to see what they do to check on blastocyst quality. My doc talks about getting them to blasto stage but not the quality so it would be infomative for me to know.

I wish you all the luck in the world on your next IVF. Stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing? Let us know what you find out on blastocysts.

Take care.

I just scheduled an apptmt with an RE as well for 4/15. I have been using my OB/GYN for several cycles of clomid and then 3 cycles of Gonal F w/ IUI and it is not working. My OB/GYN won't up my dosage of Gonal F b/c he doesn't want to overstimulate me, but I am not maturing multiple eggs and not having success with 1 egg. He told me it is time for me to move on to an RE and IVF. I am still in the midst of my 3rd IUI cycle, but I am not optimistic. Going for Day 7 u/s tomorrow to see what is there. If there is more than 1 egg growing, it will be a miracle. I am sorry to sound pessimistic, I just feel like I have been wasting my time.

Sue

Meg,
I am so sorry you have had so much to deal with. This whole infertility thing is such an unknown monster. I haven't even gotten out of the gate yet with IVF and I am worried about all the same things.

My husbands sperm is the pitts too and I have ovulation problems. At my age, (37) I really don't know how much time I have for achieving success.

M/C is what I fear most. Honestly, I don't know how you girls deal with losing a pregnancy. I feel it is something you never get over, especially when you have such a heck of a time to get to the pg stage. To have the strength to get up and try again is amazing to me.

I just continue to try to have hope. Some days are much better than others. Other days I cry often. It is so difficult to have hope when everything feels hopeless.

I guess we never know what is in store for us. If we give up too soon we will always wonder. So we plug along day after day hoping for our lucky break. Don't set yourself up for failure. It's not over till it's over. We will all be rooting for you. I am glad you are going to see your RE.

I will say a little prayer for you and your dh to be able to withstand all the torture that infertility brings. I hope God blesses you again with a baby. The world needs more moms like all of us! Take care Meg, it's good to hear from you again.

Wantsbaby2

Thanks Ladies for all of your support :) Reading the posts helps quell some of the pent up fears and emotions, and believe me there are so many. I just wish I could shake my nervous feelings about going to the RE. I always forget the questions that I want to ask, and I am always focussed on ways to reduce m/c, which unfortunately there is no guarantee that it won't happen again. I always get emotional too when I start talking about the m/c's too, which then makes me more of a blithering fool ::) DH is going w/ me which is good.

Our clinic only used to do day 3 transfers, but I had found out through a friend, that the clinic now does blast transfers. I am hopeful that will be an option for us or rather I shall demand that we do blast transfers. My fear is that they will be too crappy to transfer though. Too many decisions... Too much money, w/o any guarantees.

Some days I think I am crazy for wanting to do this all again, but then again, I don't think I should have to give up my dreams of having another child just b/c we got dealt a bad hand and are infertile.

Fortyfour, I will definitely pass any info I get along on the board. I have a feeling though I still won't get the answers that I want, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try my best. After the consult I will probably post my questions to Dr. Smith. I think he is more informative and truthful than my Dr. I like my RE, but sometimes I feel they candy coat everything to make it sound better than things really are.

WantsBaby2, I totally understand your feelings. I remember them all too well. We are very much alike. Prior to our success, I had more down moments than up. I quit my job as a teacher b/c I couldn't handle the stress of it and TTC and also deal w/ m/c. I cried so much I could have filled a river. I had no friends b/c none of them understood, only my mom and sister would listen to me continually cry daily about trying to get p/g and having m/c. I even went to counselling b/c of how depressed I was about everything. It got to be too much to handle. Sometimes I look back and can't even believe that I made it to where I am now. I guess I proved that I could survive it somehow, and I think to myself I can do it again and will handle the outcome, wheather it be good or bad. You always have to have hope, even if it is the size of a grain of sand. My hope for another baby is about the size of a tiny pebble, but I still try to make sure I never lose the hope. You are a good person and good things will happen for you. In my prayers I always pray for all of those who are trying to get p/g esp. WantsBaby2 and Fortyfour:) as well as all of the other women on this board. Sometimes I forget everyone's names :) But I want you to know that I understand how you feel and think of you often :)

Meridith, Good luck on Thursday :) Let us know how the appt. goes.

Sue, Good luck too at your appt. on Friday. I hope you get some good news for this cycle too :)

Take Care Girls and thanks for listening :) You girls are the BEST :)

Sue, I dont think that you are being pessimistic. You are just reacting to what has been a reality for you. Hopefully you can be sweetly surprised this month with more than one egg. Good luck.

Wantsbaby2 - I hope the next cycle bring you your little bunde.

Meg, I have been going through the struggle all weekend on why I want to keep putting myself through this. I was telling my husband one minute that I cant do the hormone thing anymore and then I am looking at the 2 donors I picked out and wondering which one would be the best. I woke up in the middle of the night wondering if I could make a good choice and actually get pg and not m/c this time. I act like I have control on that and I dont. So many women think we cause our m/cs by doing something wrong and it makes me nuts. My doc doesnt want to do 5 day blasts because they dont freeze well. I want to yell " i dont care about the freezing I want good ones to go in there"

I having been very sad this weekend and cried all day yesterday. My heart is so heavy I think it will break. My hubby doesnt know what to do for me and I cant think of anything that will help me accept either getting pg or have this crazy wanting leave my heart and soul. We talked of adopting some older kids. We will do ivf 4 more times and then that's it. sorry to be a bummer but noone else understands like you guys do. Take care all and baby dust to everyone.

44, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. You're like the mother hen on these boards and I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say my heart goes out to you. You're the one that give me strenght so I want to give it back. Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. We all know its easier said then done, but if anyone can do it...it's you!! I don't know you personally, but you seem to be a very strong woman and your strength will get your through these hard days. I will keep you in my prayers and much baby dust to you and the rest of you ladies.

Meg,
Thank you for your kind words. I still remember that you were the first one to answer my first posting about anger back in January. Your kind words to me then were a great comfort and relief to me. I was absolutely at my wits end at that time. I really thought I was the only one in the world experiencing all these emotions. I expected the women on this site to fire back at me and tell me I was being awful. It was nice to get the support and understanding I so desparately needed.

All my girlfriends made me feel horrible (some were having babies last year) and no one understood except my mom. I too have lost most of my girlfriends because infertility has changed me so much. Just know I consider all the girls on this board my therapy because you have all helped me cope so much. I know eventually I will return to my good old self, but in the meantime......I just feel depressed a lot.

I have cried rivers of tears as well. And the anger.......well, that just doesn't seem to subside. I must be the angriest person on earth right now! My dh and I saw "The Upside of Anger" over the weekend and I loved it! I could really relate to the woman and how angry she was. (Even though there were some differences; the source of her anger was her husband leaving her, and she became an alcoholic) It really was a great movie.

Perserverence and patience will bring us to the places we are supposed to be in life. I hope things happen for you too Meg. We need to all stick together during this process. What would we all do without each other?

Fourtyfour,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. We have set the 4 IVF goal as well. There always seems to be a catch 22 to every situation. I can understand you wanting to take the embies to blast. But then you have to worry about the freezing! Ugh!

I think it is normal to want to give up hope at times. I feel it all the time. Just cry all you want to. It does help, and then continue to come here and vent. It IS cruel that God would put such a want in our hearts for children and then snatch away the abiltiy to have them.

I hope you feel better soon. I know the feeling of not being able to control the emotions, and the tears seem to spill over at the worst times! Hang in there and keep plugging along. We will all come out of this ok in the end!

Take care ladies! Wantsbaby2

Hello Meg,
I feel I am almost an expert ;) now in the embryo quality area so I'll try to give you an answer. If you wait for a day 5 transfer and the embryos get to blast then the quality is less of an issue. The fact that they got to 100+ cells is the key. At that point they are able to attach themselves to your uterine wall. I've been having day 3 transfers (2 so far) with the results of the 2nd one due Friday (I am not feeling too good about it). I want to do a day 5 just to answer the question of if I am even getting to blast stage. Egg quality at day 3 was 8 cell grade A and we assisted hatched all 4 embies. I'm praying one of them hangs on.
RE is concerned about freezing blastocysts but like 44 I do not care I just want to know that the embies are maturing to the blast stage so I can then rule out another variable of our infertility. I hope this helped and I wish you the best of luck. :)

Thank you all for your kind words. My heart was half as heavy today so that was nice. The donor agency called me today and I reserved my " donor". I spent about 2 hours the other day trying to decide between 2 of them and then found today that one of them was maxed out. Cool, God made the decision for me. The donor looks alot like me and is a nurse like me. I was so drawn to her among the 100 or so people I have looked at. She made 26 eggs last time and 23 fertilized. It was impressive numbers for anyone. I hope she is available this summer and we can do the next ivf in june, july or August. Wish me luck ladies, here I go again. The rollercoaster is about to begin. Baby dust to all.

fortyfour,

I am wishing you a ton of luck :) I am glad that you selected a new donor. That is a lot of eggs; tell me I know - they collected 46 from me and fertilized 26, although our quality of embryos stinks. If I ever do the whole stim/retrieval again, I want quality, not quantity. of course I don't think I have control over the quality issue :-\ and if I do have to do it again, I will be older, so my eggs will really be crappy !!! I hope you are feeling better, I know I always feel better and in control when I have a plan, even if it isn't the exact plan that I had in mind. Please take care and know that I am praying for you :)

Meg

That's great news 44..... keeping you in my thoughts.... :-)

i just finished reading through this thread.... sounds like we have all been on the same page.... This month, we are doing an endometrial biopsy on day 21 - 24. That means estrogen tablets taken vaginally (yuck), then progresterone shots AND vaginal suppositories.... all of this for a test... not even to get pregnant.... I am trying so hard not to let it get me too down, but it is difficult. I am also struggling with my thyroid... I know it isn't right, but don't go back to the endocrinologist until 2 weeks from now.
now that i've vented... :-) i think of all of you and cry tears for all of you because i can really feel the pain.
many hugs are coming your way... i hope tomorrow brings more sunshine into your souls. :-)

Meg, That was alot of eggs. You must have been really sore. The doc said that about 1/2 to 3/4 of her eggs at the donors age should be good so I will be happy for even 6 great ones.

Wow TTC - I guess they are looking for a luteal phase defect or something like that? Meds just for a test does seem cruel doesnt it. Its for a good cause though and hopefully it will get you one step closer to your dream. I have been thinking of you today and it is nice to hear from you. Take care.

Well, I had my day 10 u/s tonight in my 3rd IUI cycle and there is nothing growing, not even 1. I am really glad that I have the RE apptmt tomorrow, b/c I am feeling down about all of this. I really hope he can help.
I will post tomorrow after the apptmt.

I was also looking for a post from Kendall in GA who was supposed to test on the 12th, I believe. Anyone heard from her?

Sue

Well, I posted on another board, so I will make this brief. Went to the RE today and cancelled this 3rd IUI cycle. We are going to begin IVF cycle in the end of May after I take b/c for 1 cycle and then go on Lupron.

Patience, patience, patience, that is what I need. I cried a lot today, mostly feeling like I am letting dh down, but I know that is silly. He is real supportive. We are both going to do whatever it takes.

Good luck to everyone trying this month!!

Sue