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teri-chan - November 11th, 2005 11:31 PM

Hi. This is my first time doing something like this. Here's my basic story. I've been trying to conceive since May of this year--just as I turned 41. Before this, I'd had unprotected sex exactly twice in my life and gotten pregnant exactly twice in my life. The first time I was 26 years old, and even the morning after pill didn't prevent me from getting pregnant. I hadn't finished graduate school yet, and I wasn't in a solid relationship, so I had an abortion. The second time I was 38 1/2, newly married, and I accidentally skipped two birth control pills, but I thought I'd probably be safe, since my husband was out of town a lot that month and we had sex only once. But I got pregnant. It was a very bad time for a pregnancy, and everyone I asked (my friends, the counselor at Planned Parenthood, and my primary care physician) said I'd have no problem getting pregnant in a few years, when I'd likely have the kind of job security I felt I needed to bring a child into the world. So, we had an abortion.

Well, all of you are well aware that it isn't that easy to get pregnant at 41, especially when DH has male factor issues too. I have just completed my first IVF cycle, and I'll take my pregnancy test on Wednesday, 11/16/05. I'm feeling very low, since I know my chances are not so good. 2 day-5 embryos were transferred. They were at the morula stage, so they were a little behind. The embryologist at Shared Journey estimated my chances of pregnancy at 20%. And I fear that my feeling so low is itself hurting my chances. I try to comfort myself with the thought that both times I got pregnant before my chances were lower than that (20% chance at age 26 with a 75% reduction for having taken the morning after pill, and a 10% chance at age 38 1/2). But 20% is 20%.

I keep thinking about the fact if I'd gotten correct information when I was pregnant three years ago, I'd most likely have a child now. Instead I may be facing a life of childlessness. It feels like more than I can bear. And I've got an 80% chance of having my heart break after Wednesday's pregnancy test.

I've not read anyone with a story like mine, but maybe there are some out there.

Fortyfour - November 16th, 2005 8:26 PM

Good luck with your test. May it be a BFP

teri-chan - November 17th, 2005 12:34 PM

Thanks SO MUCH for writing to me! I've seen some of your other posts, and you strike me as a really amazing person. I think I remember something about your doctor putting you on fish oil and B6 to help you deal with depression, so it might interest you to know that my doctor also put me on fish oil (2 g twice a day) and a B-complex (not just B6). It helped a lot, but eventually, after a couple of failed IUIs, I went to Wellbutrin. You sound like a much heartier person than I am emotionally speaking, so I have great hopes that the fish oil and B are working for you. Can you tell yet?

My pregnancy test was positive, but not exactly a Big Fat Positive--my hCG level was low. So I'm on tenterhooks for the time being. My hCG will be measured again tomorrow (11/18/05). It's good to still be in the game, so to speak.

Fortyfour - November 18th, 2005 10:27 PM

Hi, I finally went on Prozac with 4 weeks of strong depression under my belt and it was only getting worse. I feel better after 2 weeks though. They also took me off all hormones in case that was not helping. Do you have trouble with burping on the fish oil? I hate fish and cant stand the burping. I try to eat a big meal when I take them and it still doesnt help. I hope the HCG keeps climbing. Good luck and take care. I am so happy for you.


teri-chan - November 19th, 2005 9:41 AM

Yes, I did have a little trouble with burping, and I too didn't like that fishy taste. But I would have found it worth it, if the fish oil had been enough to keep my mood up.

My hCG was up a little yesterday, but it hadn't doubled. And I took a home pregnancy test today (with a sensitivity of 25 mIU/ml), which showed negative, so I think it's over. I'm pretty much devastated. It was so nice to have a day in which I had some interest in the world and some hope. Now everything is pretty black again.

I wish donor eggs or adoption were an option for me, but aside from my own troubles with the thought of having a child that's not genetically related to me, my family would never accept such a child. The Japanese do not adopt. (And egg donation is actually forbidden in Japan. They've done sperm donation for quite a while, but I hear that something like 80% of the Japanese children who are the product of donor sperm are very angry about it.) If I had a child who wasn't genetically mine, s/he'd not really have any family besides my husband and me. And I myself would pretty much lose any tie to my family.

So I feel like I have probably only one more chance to have a child.

Where are you in your efforts?

Fortyfour - November 19th, 2005 6:59 PM

I am so sorry for your troubles. It is so sad.

I had no idea that the Japenese had these beliefs. How frustrating for those with infertility.

I am going through tests to see why I lost the babies and it looks like immune issues. I consult with the doctor Tuesday to see what he wants to do. It is so frustating to know I have a body that wont let my babies grow.

Take care.


baby4us - November 21st, 2005 8:48 AM

teri-chan it sounds like you are going through so much heart ache right now.. and so many questions... I am sorry to hear about your difficulties.. and am sorry to hear about some of the road blocks you have to face due to the Japanese point of view on donor eggs.. that certainly doesn't make it easier...

Are you going to try another IVF cycle... what are the chances of you adopting a Japanese baby? Just exploring what your other options might be???

teri-chan - November 21st, 2005 5:42 PM

Fourtyfour: I want to wish the best for your appointment tomorrow (Tuesday). I hope that the doctor(s) can get to the bottom of the immune system issue quickly, and that this will enable you to carry at least one healthy child to term.

baby4us: Thank you so much for writing to me. I have looked into adopting a Japanese child, but I think it's not a live possibility. First, my relatives would be no more accepting of the adoption of a Japanese child than the adoption of a child of any other ethnicity. Second, the process seems to require at least a 6 month residency in Japan, which isn't feasible for me. Third, Japanese adoptions are not like most other adoptions: ties (including legal ones concerning inheritance!) to biological parents are never severed, which seems problematic to me. "Blood" is very, very important to the Japanese. I hope to try another IVF cycle, but my husband might not be so willing, because it's been so emotionally hard on us. How is your pregnancy coming along. You're getting close to the end of your first trimester, so that must be a real relief!

To both of you: Astonishingly my serum hCG level today (Monday) was more than triple what it was on Friday; however my progesterone was very low (8.9). The nurse tells me that the odds are against this pregnancy working out. I go for yet another blood test on Wednesday. This is so agonizing. I want this to work out so very badly. I want to have hope, but I'm scared of what having hope will do to me, if the news is bad on Wednesday.

baby4us - November 22nd, 2005 8:26 AM

I'll be interested to hear what your blood results yield tomorrow....

Do you have an idea how many IVFs you will try/are able to try? I am sorry to hear about your cultural issues... I was not aware... and I am sure that is extra stress on you!

And remember (I know this is easier said than done).. but don't kick yoruself for decisions in the past.. you could never have known and you had to make the right choices for you at the time... you can't see into the future and certainly no one wants to go through fertility treatments.. but thankfully we do have these options open to us... and I hope you soon get a BFP.. if not Wednesday then soon!

fiso - November 26th, 2005 11:17 AM

Welcome Teri-Chan. I'm new too, I started with this group a month ago and it has helped me so much.
Let us know th results of you latest blood test. No matter what the result is, the group is here to cheer you up or to celebrate with you.
I thought I was doing good handling my M/C but I realized last night, that it's still here and I haven't really given myself enought time to accept it. I thought since I was physically feeling back to normal, that my mind was Ok. But Ithat wasn't the case. So, one day at a time seems to be the right thing to do.


teri-chan - November 26th, 2005 4:46 PM

Well, I got bad news on Wednesday (11/23). My hCG level had dropped. I'm down, but not as far as I thought I would be. I feel like I can probably try one more IVF--in February/March. My husband feels that he can handle that, and I think I can too. It's hard on the bank account, but this is very, very important to me. I hope I can keep an even keel in the next few months.

baby4us: Thanks for your words. It is very hard not to kick myself for decisions of the past. That's a very hard battle for me. I can tell myself that thinking so much about those decisions only causes me stress and contributes to my depression (and those things only harm my chances of getting pregnant), but still it's hard not to do.

fiso: Thanks for writing to me. How far along were you when you had your m/c and how long ago was that?

baby4us - November 28th, 2005 8:33 AM

Sorry to hear your levels dropped... just stay positive and concnetrate on your next IVF.. learn as much as you can.. that is the best you can do.

Baby Dust!

fiso - November 30th, 2005 10:35 AM

Teri-Chan, the m/c happened a month ago. I was about 10 days pregnant. It was a big deal for me because I had never been pregnant in my life before. So that part was positive. The hard part is to accept that your body rejected it. It took me longer than I thought to feel 'better" about it. One thing that my doctor told me and that I didn't understand right away was to be good to myself and to take it easy. I would say, allow yourself to feel sad about it. It's important. I didn't do that and it caught up on me later and it was difficult.
We are going to meet with the doc in a couple weeks to see what we are doing next... Hang in there

teri-chan - December 1st, 2005 2:55 AM

baby4us, thanks so much for your words. I think your advice is exactly right. Now, let's see if I can follow it. It's hard to keep a positive attitude through all this. (Congratulations, by the way, on making it to 12 weeks!)

fiso, I appreciate your advice. I think I do need to feel sad about it for a while, and yet, to follow baby4us's advice I also need to be positive. It's tricky to do all that! I'm really sorry about the loss of your pregnancy. You say that you felt positive about at least getting pregnant (which I think I understand, since I also felt positive that I got as far as I did at my age), but that it's hard to accept that your body rejected the embryo. It sounds like you're a little mad at your body for failing you in this way. But remember, by the time you get to your early 40s, it's likely that there was a genetic problem with the embryo, in which case, either the embryo just stops developing (so that your body never "rejects" the embryo) or your body does the right thing in rejecting it (since the embryo wouldn't have a good chance of survival). It's true that some bodies reject even good embryos. I think that's because their immune systems don't shut down properly, so they recognize the embryo as "foreign" and attack it. Do you have any reason to think that you have some immune system issue? If not, then you shouldn't think of your body's rejection of the embryo as a bad thing, I think. Of course it's very sad to lose the pregnancy, but if the embryo wasn't really viable, it's better to lose it earlier than later, I would think. (These are things that I've been telling myself. I lost my pregnancy at about 14 days post-implantation.)

baby4us - December 1st, 2005 7:27 AM

Teri-chan and Fiso.. how are you both feeling now.. your bodies hav ebeen through somuch???

fiso - December 2nd, 2005 11:29 AM

Hi. Thanks Teri-Chan. It's amazing the amount of stuff that goes on in your mind. I think you are right, I'm mad at my body for not letting this happen. At the same time, I understand it's nature's way to take care of unviable pregnancies. It's just hard to accept and it takes time.
baby4us, each day is different for me. I can start crying for no reason at all, or feel good. I'm also nauseeous quite often. Meeting with the doc next week to see what's going on. How are you doing?


baby4us - December 2nd, 2005 1:16 PM

Hey Fiso.. I am so sorry to hear about all your ups and downs right now.. I hope you get some positive news from your doc next week.. keep us posted.. I'll be interested to hear what is going on.

And your body is going through so much right now.. it is no wonder you are crying and nauseaus!!!

I also have a doc appointment next week.. Monday to be exact... I am very anxious as I had my nuchal translucency u/s last week and I assume I will hear the results on Monday... I also had a bit of a scare yesterday.. I woke up and was spotting.... which I have done before... but very mildly.. this seemed a bit more and I was so freaked out... I still am even though today there has thankfully been nothing.

I called my doc right away yesterday and he said (by this time the spotting had stopped).. so he said.. not to worry.. take it easy.. but if anything starts again to come in right away. So Luckily that was all.. But it is so worrisome.. there is always something to worry about.

So I've been able to take it easy yesterday and today... but tomorrow I am a bit worried.. my aunt recently passed away froma nasty bout of cancer.. so her funeral is tomorrow and it is going to be quite emotionally draining.. and then DH and I are supposed to go to his office christmas party tomorrow night.. I am worried it might be too much in one day (there is alot of driving involved tomorow as well)... so all I am going to do is listen to my body.. and if I don't go to the christmas party.. no biggie.. I'll just stay home with a bowl of popcorn and a movie!!

Anyway.. have a great weekend and let me know what your doc says next week!

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