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LisainAK - April 13th, 2005 8:17 PM

Hello ladies - needed a sounding board on thsi issue.
My husband and i have been together for 2 1/2 years. he chewed tobacco when we met and i made him quit. he did without too much hesitation or problem. well, i just found out last night that he has been sneaking and hiding and doing it work for over a year. In addition to the fact that i feel he has been sneaking and purposefully hiding the issue from me I am mad at the ramification on how it affects us TTC. As you can read from my bio below we have been TTc for a year and have male factor problems. Him not telling me means he also lied on the paperwork to our specialist here in town as well as the IVF center we are headed to at the end of May. I am just livid about the situation - especiallyw ith all the crap we have had to do so far and how much my body will have to go through and he doesn't admit or stop that nasty habit? I am just shocked as he cut down on drinking and started taking fartility blend for men and anything else to improve our situation. How do i get past it...he did apologize and said he would quit - but how will i ever know anyhow??? I don't know....any thoughts ladies?

Fortyfour - April 13th, 2005 10:30 PM

Did the doc explain to him the effect on tobacco on sperm counts. It seems crazy to take stuff to help the sperm count and then chew. Sounds like he is in a little denial. Maybe have the doc talk to him. He is taking such a chance with oral cancer also. Not a pretty site. I hope he stops but have no advice on how to deal with knowing or not knowing. Keep in touch. After all I have done to try and get pg and to find out that hubby was doing something to lesson our chances I would be very angry and might smack him. Men!!!!!!!!!

TTC in SoCal - April 14th, 2005 7:58 PM

I agree with 44... have the doc talk to him about how it affects your chances of getting pg. After that, he has the choice and at the very least, he owes you honesty. I found out my ex was using tobacco also... and hid it from me (and lied about it)... so i know how you feel.
i don't think you can force someone to quit, though... either they want to and you support them or they don't and you have to accept it.... just make him understand that his habit could cost you lots of money in extra fertility treatment, his potential for oral cancer, etc. every decision has a consequence...
good luck.... :-) as we say... men.... can't live with them and can't shoot 'em.... :-)

WantsBaby2 - April 14th, 2005 8:08 PM

Lisa,
OOooooo men! I would be angry too. I am sorry you have to deal with this along with eveything else. Maybe explain to him how much this could be affecting your ability to conceive. I agree with the others, have the doctor talk to him......and then lay down the law girl!

Wantsbaby2

Fortyfour - April 16th, 2005 2:22 AM

Lisa, how are you doing?


LisainAK - April 18th, 2005 8:27 PM

Hi there ladies - thanks for you thoughts and advice. I did have a bot of time to read this last week but no time to post. You gals are a great support system!!!

DH has promised to quit and says he will even tell me if he slips up. Admits he should have thought it through better and since he doesn't do it much didn't really ponder the affects it may have had on his sperm. Trust me he is fully aware now!!!!

I have gotten past the anger stage - which is good and life is failr back to normal - now he just needs to work on gaining and maintaining the whole trust deal again.

I do think some positive things came out of it - he was very upset with himself and very uposet when i pointed out the fertility factor and how it made me feel - it also showed me that he was having a harder time than i thought already being the "fertility factor".

i head to seattle on 5/23 should be getting my protocol soon - they were waiting on some labs.

44 - did i read on another post you have found a donor? When is your next cycle? Tell me all the goods!!!

cassandra - April 19th, 2005 8:36 AM

LisainAK, I'm glad you and dh have come to an understanding. Sometimes for me it takes my boiling point to finally sit down and talk to mine. Good luck with your next protocol! cassandra

WantsBaby2 - April 19th, 2005 10:10 AM

Lisa,
I am happy for you that things have worked themselves out. I know I have had a couple of huge zinger fights with my dh since we have been married. I think they think if they are not entirely honest with us, they won't have to deal with us getting angry. Of course we are furious when the truth comes out! Marriage is a learning experience I suppose and working things out can make your relationship stronger. I wish you the best with your IVF. I will say lots of prayers for you and hope everything goes smoothly!

Wantsbaby2

Fortyfour - April 19th, 2005 11:01 PM

Lisa, We filled out our info sheet and a bio for the donor to read and she will let us know next week if she will accept us. Seems wierd to have someone look at us to see if they want to give us eggs. It feels like when we adopted my cassie and they came to check us out. I hope to the ivf in june, july or august. Thanks for asking.


LisainAK - April 22nd, 2005 8:27 PM

So were you approved??? that is awful - you guys shouldn't have to get reviewed....more added stress to the whole process...is this woman in CA??? Do you know when your cycle is yet?
Work has been swamped I've been absent from the boards - seems i geta few minutes and start reading and never have time to reply.....
take care - hope your weekend is great!!

Fortyfour - April 24th, 2005 2:30 PM

We sent our bios out on Thursday so we should her from the girl this week. I was joking with my hubby this morning about this situation. I would like to say to her. Heres your $5,000 so give me your eggs. Its so ridiculous when you think about it. How does she know that we would be good parents anymore than we know she will give us a good embryo? Would I pay $ 12,ooo for the donor cycle if I didnt really want this baby? Crazy making if you ask me.


LisainAK - April 25th, 2005 12:54 PM

I completely agree with you - hmmm you are paying big bucks for this - how could you not be good paraents - and yes, YOU are taking the risks - quality of eggs etc. Is it standard that donors approve - or is it clinic specific?
Will you be moving quick after the approval tiome - ie may/june cycle? i am excited for you - and for me - scared too of course!!!

TTC in SoCal - April 25th, 2005 1:37 PM

on one hand, yes it does seem overkill that the donor has to approve you. However, I think if i were donating an egg to someone, i would want to make sure I felt comfortable that they would be the kind of parents I would want. Having the money to do it really doesn't amount to anything if you don't have a loving attitude for children (which you definitely have, 44)....
she'll love you and i think we can all appreciate someone taking time to make sure the child she is helping to create will be part of a loving home.
i hope the process goes quickly for you!!!!
many hugs to all of you!!!!

Fortyfour - April 25th, 2005 2:29 PM

Thanks Lisa and TTC - I can see her point but feel irritated non the less. If she agrees to be our donor we will see what her schedule is for the summer and then start the paperwork and Doctor visits. I think it is clinic specific for the donor to ok us. My last donor went to a clinic to donate and no info on her recipient.

It may not be until july and then we could be surprised and have it done earlier. Take care all.


LisainAK - April 25th, 2005 2:54 PM

Well 44 - try to enjoy your months off of not worrying and it will be here before you know it!!!

I am about a month out now - and am anxious to get my protocol and know what the plan is.

My summer will be crazy - Seattle for IVF 5/22-6/1 and then my step son ,11, arrives for the summer on 6/7 - yikes during 2 ww!!! we are also having a house built and will be looking to move end of june if things stay on track. with that comes selling the duplex we live in now when we return from seattle - at least i will have something to keep my mind busy during the 2ww!!!!!

take care all!!!

WantsBaby2 - April 25th, 2005 3:02 PM

Wow Lisa,
You will be a busy girl! All good things to come though. It will be fun. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted. Don't be a stranger!

Wantsbaby2

LisainAK - April 25th, 2005 3:33 PM

yes - it will be busy - but it seems i thrive in that environment anyhow!!!!!

WantsBaby2 - when are you cycling in June?
I am still waiting for my protocol but am curious how far before retrieval do you start the meds generally...any idea?

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