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Fortyfour - June 10th, 2005 1:13 AM

Hi ladies, well it seems like every time I am going to do an IVF my daughter does something to stir me up. She was talking about getting her tongue pierced about a month ago. I told her I did not agree with it and the reasons why. I told her that as long as I pay for her plane ticket I had a say in what she did to herself. She is 16 by the way. She said ok and I got her plane ticket.

She called me 10 days ago to say that she pierced her tongue. I was furious. She told me that her dad said she could, that she was old enough to make her own decisions. I told that if she was old enough, than she could make the decison to take out the piercing and come to CA or keep it in and stay in Alaska. After 10 days she decided to keep it in.

I spent $540 on a ticket that is nonrefundable and going into the toilet. I could have used that money for alot of things. We called her dad to ask what the scoop was and he said they used the piercing as a motivation for her to do well in school.. Unbelievable.

My husband and I are beside our selves.

I told her that if she wasted this ticket I could not in good faith buy another one for her in the future and trust she would not waste that one also.

My feelings are hurt and I feel like I will not be seeing her for a very long time. She always says she misses me and now this. I think she is trying to hurt me again because I am trying to have a baby.

When I was pg the first time she ran away (from her dads) and stayed on the streets for 6 weeks. I lost the baby during the time we didnt know where she was.

I could not see letting her come after what she did but the consequences for me are a broken heart. She said it "was on me, and that she tried to compromise with me about the piercing" Who is the adult.

I need to get over the stress of this before my next ivf. Any suggestions on how I can view this or fix it if I need to or just let it lies as is.

Sorry so long ladies. Thanks for listeningn.

Baby dust to all


cassandra - June 10th, 2005 8:52 AM

Hi 44. So your ex bribes the daughter to do well in school? Is she doing better? I would say if she is doing better in school than let her come piercing and all. I know you forbade her from doing it. But please don't give up on her.
You are allowed to be mad. Teenagers are stange creatures. They think they know everything. I know when my parents divorced my dad remarried and my stepmother got pregnant when I was 16. I was a rebel already. But it was an estranged relationship in the first place with him. Nonetheless I believe if he was more open and forgiving of my sins we would of had a closer relationship. Please rethink not letting her come. I hope I didn't offend you. Your friend, cassandra

Darby206 - June 10th, 2005 9:02 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I know you have a lot on you mind as it is. You definately don't need extra stress. I'll give you my 2 cents and hope it helps.

There is no more self-absorbed creature in the world than a sixteen year old girl. I'm sure your daughter is a wonderful girl, but I think nature does something to your brain at this point in your life that makes you unbearably obnoxious. She is just trying to assert herself with you. She is testing her limits and you (in my opinion) did exactly what a loving parent should do. You sacrificed your own joy in order to make your daughter understand that there are limits and in the long run, she will appreciate that. She will know that she has a mother who loves her enough to teach her that actions have consequences.

Try to hold on to that. You ARE a great mother to her and you will be to the little one (or ones) who will arrive in the (near ;)) future!

And about that plane ticket....like Cassandra said, maybe your daughter will call any day and ask if you still want her to come. I'm not saying you should back down on your principles, but if she honestly understands why you were hurt and disappointed, then maybe the two of you can come to an agreement and she can come after all.

Relax and take some time for yourself this weekend. You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers for sure.

Baby dust to you!!!

meridithhasfaith - June 10th, 2005 9:04 AM

Hi 44

So sorry you are going through this during one of the most stressful times in your life anyway. Well, since you asked for opinions, I will give my two cents for what it's worth.

I think a struggle for control with a teenager is always a bad idea. Not that they win...it's just that everyone seems to lose. They are facing adult issues and feeling adult yearnings for control over their lives with little reasoning and lots of times, poor judgement. Bad mix, yes. I think I would say, pick your battles. She is obviously prone to irrational and drastic outbursts of actions (running away and staying away for 6 weeks). You will have to swallow a lot in letting her come anyway after saying she couldn't but you could blame it on hormones and anger that she deliberately disobeyed you. Explain that you weren't aware that she was being bribed for doing well in school with a tongue piercing.

I think she is trying to get a rise out of you and it would be best to not let her. Try to overlook a lot and just be glad she is with you and in one piece. If she thinks your love for her or your desire to be with her is conditional, she may just rebel even more. :(

I hope that made sense and I do hope that whatever you do, it works out for you and you can relax and get through this cycle with minimal stress!

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Meridith

Karen123 - June 10th, 2005 9:50 AM

44, I think that the word of wisdom printed by the ladies above are great words of advice. I too have a 16 year old girl and it's not always easy. I just wanted to add that I care and I hope that everything works out for all of you. Karen

sblanton2 - June 10th, 2005 9:55 AM

Fourtyfour,
Having been a headstrong young teenager once myself, and raising a 17 year old (my husband and I are guardians to my best friend's daughter) I can relate. Our lovely headstrong daughter decided to get a tattoo at 15!
While I do not agree with your ex-husband's view point, I think this is largely an issue between you and him. Afterall he allowed your daughter to do it. The good news is that a tongue ring(although stupid) is not permanent unlike a tattoo. When she decides she is through tormenting you she can remove it. And it is a done deal now, you can continue to fight her on it or act as if it does not bother you. If you do that and she realizes it is not having the affect she wanted she may remove it sooner. The tongue ring seems to be the big thing teenagers are wanting to do to their bodies these days, so maybe she did want it for other reasons, torturing you may have just been a bonus. Pick your battles Fourtyfour and remember this too shall pass!

Baby days ahead!
Sylvia

Fortyfour - June 10th, 2005 11:34 PM

Thank you ladies for your comments. No one offended me but I had a few more comments. My daughter knows I love her unconditionally. Whenever we disagree I tell her I love her. This is not about how much I love her but about respect for me and my home and my money.

When she understands that we can move on with her visit.


Thanks again and baby dust to all.


HOPEFULLYSANDRA - June 11th, 2005 3:42 PM

My partner's kids are 11 and 9. I feel I really have no place disciplining them. They wouldn't listen anyways. I took a class called "Working with challenging behaviour." L learnt to give them lots of choices so they have to think, and that some choices have consequences. Some of this may be obvious but this is a little of what they said. Avoid the power stuggle...it's a lose/lose situation. Don't blame or use YOU messages: ex. You shouldn't have...
use I messages instead, EX: I don't know how you want me to react (this takes their focus of defending themselves and forces them to think) They also talk about trying to instill remorse in kids so that they'll think of others and not just themselves.
When I was her age I asked my Mom about getting mulitiple ear piercings. My Mom was against it. I went out and did it anyway. When I came home she looked at it and said it would be nice on an old east indian lady. (not the cool look I wanted) I took them out the next day. Even my indian friend thought this was amusing.

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