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Christie - November 15th, 2005 5:22 AM

Hi,

I am 42 yrs and I have been through one IVF cycle with good results on the eggs but no pregnancy, and, two cancelled cycles because of dominant follicles. I am trying to do another stimulation but I have a recurring cyst, that has been disruppted twice BTW, and I think I should just go to donor. I am already exhausted of all of the negativity and hopelessness form my Docs, even after producing 6 seemingly healthy eggs with only one ovary on my very first stimulation. I have been told that it simply will not happen again.

After my first cancelled IVF stimulation the office just cancelled me and sort of dropped me. like thats it. They did not give any final shot to bring on my menses. My body was in a limbo like state where I could not even start a period. My period was now three weeks late ( I have never missed a period in my life) and my body was acting pregnant. I called my Doctors office in JAX and they acted like I was not even a patient anymore and they were not responsible for me and they were doing me a favor just to talk to me. So, I went to a different doctor because HPT were positive and the new Doc confirmed that I was indeed not pregnant. he gave me a shot to bring on my menses. Now ten days later I have a very small menstrual cycle. This cycle was used to test my FSH which tested really high levels and I am wondering because of the situation surrounding this cycle could the results be false. I am told by my new doctor "No" that at my age the result would only vary slightly.

I cry over my decision because when I was younger I was not financially and emotionally ready to have children. Now that I can dedicate myself to my family, I am in a good relationship, and I have a good solid home, I can not have my own children. It is not fair that at a younger age I would have probably of been a single mother living in a n apartment, and working many hours (even on a good job I have always had to work more than 40).

I am so torn over having to make this decision. I know this is stupid and I need to reprioritize my thoughts, but, I keep thinking later that someone says "oh your daughter has such big feet. Does she get that from you?" And I think, I really do not know where she gets it.

I am sure that I will just be happy to have my family but in the moment I am really torn.

I hope this is not too jumbled as I am emotional over making this decision.

sblanton2 - November 15th, 2005 7:48 AM

Christie,
I cannot imagine what it must be like to make that decision (yet). But I think that once a pregnancy is achieved it will not matter to you HOW it happened. You will carry your child, you will feel it move inside YOU, it will be your child. I have four daughters from my previous marriage and am raising my best friends daughter, even though I did not carry Teresa or have her the first few years of her life I can assure you I think of her as my own. Do not underestimate the love and the bond that will be there regardless of the DNA.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you get the peace of mind you need.

Baby dust to us all,
Sylvia

Christie - November 15th, 2005 7:58 AM

Thanks Sylvia. I know that I will be happy and my guy is sooooo supportive. He has already agreed to donor eggs if this next cycle dosen't go well.

Its just that I wanted at least one of my own and then do donor eggs. We had decided this arrangement from the beginning, but it is just not going to work out.

At least I can get pregnant and I should not wait any longer.

Karen123 - November 15th, 2005 9:25 AM

Christie, This must be a very difficult decision. I just want to say that adoption was my FIRST choice since I suffer greatly from Arthritis and was advised not to conceive. I think that I would have felt no difference between my biological children and an adopted child. And to have donor eggs used and feel that baby growing inside you....well, it will be YOUR child. I know it still must be hard to deal with but I hope whatever you decide works for you and you find the happiness you deserve. Karen

Christie - November 15th, 2005 10:50 AM

Thank you Karen. I am about ready to run to the Doc and pay whatever money necessary to possibly get eggs this month (NOv. Dec.) I would love to find out that I am pregnant by Christmas.

Fortyfour - November 15th, 2005 11:15 PM

Hi- I found out at 40 that I would definetly need donor eggs. I mourned the loss of having my own child for a year before we followed up. I adopted a girl when I was 28 so I knew that being a mom had little to do with genetics but it was still a dream that had died for me. I hope your grief is easy on you and you get your dream baby. Take care.


Christie - November 16th, 2005 5:40 AM

Thank you. I am hopefull and a little sad. I am hopefull that I may have a chance to have a baby that is better than myself, that will not have what I believe are my faults. When I look in the mirror I think I hope my baby has a pretty nose or something like that...smarter, prettier, happier, leaner, better hair. I hope she/he is beautiful.

I am sad because I want to see a baby that is both me and my guy. The best of each of us.

My guy is so wonderful. He just wants me to be happy weather it is our child or a donor egg and his sperm. He wants me to decide. He knows how much grief I go thorough each month. he supports US either way.

baby4us - November 16th, 2005 8:15 AM

Hi Christie.. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through and esp how your old clinic was treating you.

I do hope the new doc and clinic will be much better. I know how you feel about waiting and you wonder if it is too late.. but you can't beat yourself up about things like that.. if you weren't ready when you were younger because of whatever reason(s).. then you really can't beat yourself up.. who would have known.. So please don't worry about that

Going through these treatments are painful.. but we are all lucky to have all these options open to us.. I do hope the donor egg route works for you....keep us posted.. Baby Dust to you!!!

Christie - November 16th, 2005 11:16 AM

Hi baby4us,

Thanks for the positive words. You are right. Somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking there is a chance that my one little ovary will stimulate and I can get one more try. But I must know when to get my priorities straight. I want to start a family now. I will be 43 as it is giving birth. I do not want to be 44 or 45. I need to let go and realize that having a family with this man, my man, is the most important thing because he is Mr. Right, and, it will be Our children.

Congrats!!!! on your little heartbeat!!!

Fortyfour - November 16th, 2005 8:38 PM

What you are going through sounds like the kind of grieving I did. You let go of why might have been and go toward what can be. P.S. 45 doesnt seem to old to me. Ha!!!!!!!

Christie - November 17th, 2005 4:00 AM

I do not think that 45 is old, its just that I am 42 1/2 now and time goes by so fast, how much longer should I wait. Not one second more. I do not want to miss any more of my time that I can be starting my family. If I wait and I finally get pregnant at 44 or 45, or I decide to finally go with donor eggs, I will be 46 or almost 46 starting with baby(by the time I give birth). To me two or three years to hold my baby in my arms is too long to wait and tooo much time wasted that I could have children now and possible be having another child at that time.

What if I take donor eggs and I only have one child now? I will then go through it again. We really want two children not just one, but, min. one to start.

If I wait I could be on the upside of 47 giving birth with a second child. What if the pregnancy dosen't take the first time?

What if the pregnancy does take the first? Then I can start my family now.

Fortyfour - November 17th, 2005 10:40 PM

Its a leap of faith and you dont know. I started at 40 and am still going at it. Baby dust to you.

Infertility sucks.

Christie - November 18th, 2005 3:25 AM

Infertility does suck. I am soooo sorry that you are still going through it. I can not imagine and I know that your pain and grief is greater than mine. I am sorry for your loses.

I made my decision this morning. And I still felt angry and frustrated about it. My one ovary has taken a beating lately. My doc is out of town and I saw his colleague, who was very blunt and resistant to the fact that my ovary could produce eggs as it did on my first stimulation. I wanted to slap him.

I am going to try to let go and move on to my future, if all goes well I could be pregnant by Christmas. But right now I feel that I just left a funeral.

Thank you all for all of the support and kind words. I have had no one to talk to and this has been a real relief. I tried to share with my mother and she really dosen't want to talk about it as she thinks it is not an issue because I am not pregnant yet. But she did say that she would love to have more grandchildren.

I am sorry I am hurting at the moment but this will pass as all things eventually do.

Again, thank you all.

baby4us - November 18th, 2005 8:10 AM

Hi Christie.. I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are in right now...It is frustrating to not have anyone to talk to .. but at least you have this forum and lots of wondefully knowledgable people on line!

I wish you the best of luck.. and baby dust!!!!

Fortyfour - November 18th, 2005 10:24 PM

Christy - Thank you for your thoughts. I hope this works for you and you get a BFP. Take care.


fiso - December 6th, 2005 12:19 PM

Christie, I feel for you. It's so hard to let go a dream.. and it's easy to say that if things are supposed to happen, they will. It's hard to accept it.
Hang in there and come visit the forum often. There is always a kind word around!


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