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I can relate. I went through this with my husband literally for years. When we got married we had a great sex life. After a couple years, at the time I was 32, I started to try and push that we really should start trying to get pregnant. We, of course had discussed all this before we got married and were totally in synch about what we wanted. However, when it actually came to reality not theory he kind of froze up on me. At first it was that he was always tired. I did not really make a big deal at the time as I was still in the ignorant “it will just happen for us” stage. Later I started to realize he always seemed to be traveling for work around the middle of my cycle. And so it went and I kept brushing it off until I realized I really was getting old and our sex life was not so great anymore.
Might not have been the best response, but it was at this time that I decided to totally freak out about everything that was going on. I became very confrontational etc that I was getting older and we really needed to deal with this right now. Without going into detail my husband grew up in a dysfunctional family where his mother was an extreme alcoholic and verbally abusive so unfortunately his response when I became more demanding about all this (never abusive) was to shut down and withdrawal even more. He said he always coped with his mother by just sort of playing ostrich, sticking his head in the ground, and denying that there was a problem and that was exactly how he dealt with this problem.
At the time we had just bought a new house and we were in the process of gutting it, we had bitten off a lot more than we could chew financially so I thought if we backed off the baby issue at least that would help reduce some of his stress. I also felt badly that I was making him relive childhood traumas. Therefore I decided to completely back off for a year. I thought this way things would calm down and correct on their own. And things did calm down but did not totally correct so I woke up one day and realized I was now 36 and really getting old. I went back into panic mode. And the circle started over but this time I was not willing to back off. Our marriage at this point was in a very difficult place as I was 1. Not willing to back off this time and 2. I was actually really angry at him for putting us in this position again and was still not being more proactive in seeking counseling or something so he could deal with his demons, and 3 Now I was of “advanced maternal age” and all that that implies and still not pregnant.
It took us about another 6 months of really opening up to each other, stripping away everything and learning about each other in a new way before I think we were strong enough to come back and try the TTC again. The good news is I know I love him more than ever and I think our marriage is stronger for having survived those years but the bad news is that the TTC still has not worked and now at 38 we are quite desperate and about to start IVF.
I bring all this up because sometimes the DHs really are just tired and it is OK to not make a big deal out of it, but if it were to become any kind of pattern I would pay attention. In hindsight I so regret that I kept letting things go month after month always thinking it would change. I really feel that in a way I am being punished, that if I had handled things better when I was 32 that I would not have to do the IVF at 38.
I understand Asunflower’s advice about keeping the pressure off the guys by not letting them in on all the timing but I know when I tried it, that for me, it made things worse. I felt I was the one waking up every morning peeing on a stick, taking my temperature, vitamins, and charting etc, in effect doing everything and that put all the pressure on me. I felt myself asking why should he get a free pass here, and I would have kind of a low burn simmer going all the time that could escalate to anger way too easily. I wanted him to be a part of all this TTC. I am sure sunflower’s advice is quite wise and maybe those of you more selfless than me can give it a try.
My last piece of advice is do not be afraid of confronting him about this. As Grandmaof2 said the best place to bring a child into is a marriage that knows how to communicate. I will admit it was hell to go through but now that those problems are over in a way it was worth enduring those times to get to where we are now. We are much better connected and I am much more confident and secure in my marriage. The other thing I realized was that at first I only saw the “TTC process” as a means to an end which was of course a baby, now I see it defined much more in terms of me and my husband and there are things to learn here regardless of whether or not we can ever have that baby. For me this really changed the dynamic of everything and for what it is worth that was really when sex could become fun again.
Lastly, as I see I have written a small book and I apologize for that, I want to thank you all for writing this thread. When I went through it with my husband I felt so ashamed, and I did not have the courage to tell anyone. Everyone knew I wanted a baby very badly so how could I say that well the problem is I can not keep my DH interested in sex? So anyway thank you for giving me an opportunity to get all this out. I think I say it about every time I write a reply on this site but I can not believe how much it helps to have an outlet like this. Thanks for listening.
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