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Hi Jen

My husband put on a very 'brave front' during our first m/c early May. He was supportive and there all the way. I am due for a d&c on Wednesday morning (10th Aug), this time around he's completely helpless and even shy to look at me. I was just thinking about it last night and said to myself I never thought he would react in such a way. He's just switched off and doesn't want to talk about much. We hadn't told anyone about this pregnancy we wanted to be sure it would stick, I am so frustrated at his behaviour coz I can't share this pending loss with my mom or anyone and my husband won't say anything about it. I have discovered a very new and unexpected side of him, one I am not happy with.

I just want Wednesday to come and go on Friday 5th, Doc told me the sac measured four weeks, it sickens me to know I have been carrying this for 8 to 9 weeks while it stopped growing at 4, sorry I'm rambling the subject was husbands..

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Jen,
I totally understand. At times my DH has a lot of trouble dealing and it makes it even harder on me. We are doing our first IVF right now and he has told me to just tell him when, where and what to do and he doesn't want to know anything else because he just can handle it. Especially, the money aspect of it, since our ins. doesn't cover at all. Anyway, I am in the same shoes at you!

Hopefully, none of us will have to deal with this much longer and we will all have morning sickness, and he can be frusterated with listening to that!

Justme

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Hi. I had to chime in here since my husband has been just awful. I'll admit that I am emotional. Well who wouldn't be? I'm getting pumped with hormones on top of the "regular" ones and I am the one who's gone through tons of shots and still getting the progesterone while dealing with Arthritis pain that I can't take anything for. He is mean, short-tempered and impatient. He was so mean last night that I started screaming at him at the top of my lungs and ended up with stomach cramps. He just got through major surgery and I was there for him every step of the way, every ridiculous request, wiping his forehead, holding a bucket for him to throw up in, shopping for very specific items at his whim and all the while encouraging him to be strong. And now I see that he has nothing to offer me as far as support goes. I don't know if he doesn't care or is more likely just too lazy to do anything for me. I'm really sad today becasue of this....it's supposed to be for better or worse right? Well despite our unbelievable good fortune to be pregnant, he still can't support me in any way. ok, I feel better now that I got that off my chest! So nice to have people here that care about each other. so nice.

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Hi ladies. Even though my husband is a very emotional and caring man when the stress gets high he is the one to get out of whack in the home. The calmer I stay the better he is. But heaven forbid if I am having an emotional day when he is at his wits end. He starts spinning like a top and wondering why he cant fix my pain and sorrow. He was with me every step of the way with the m/c but pulled away afterwards. I think that is what men do. Pull away when in pain and frustration. What I think is funny is that I will hear him talking to complete strangers about our baby troubles but not his closest friends. ( maybe a need to look strong?)


Deb- Sorry about the blighted ovum. This is all too painful at times. Take care.

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I was so lucky to find this site when I did. The support from all these amazing women has been unbelievable; I don't think I would be quite as sane without this place.....I guess what I have to remember is that my husband does care about what is happening & he is in this with me all the way. The song "Lean on Me" comes to mind.............................. ;)

Debie, I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there & know God has a plan.

Thanks ladies,

Jennifer

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Thank you 44 and Jennifer.

Karen I understand completely how you feel. DH had a threatning medical condition in Nov 2003, I actually took leave lto iterally serve him in any possible way, I didn't mind I felt it was my duty. To my surprise this morning he left on a business trip and will come back tomorrow afternoon. Surely this is no time to leave me. I was so shocked I didn't even fight about it or cry, why is my husband being such a corward, why does he decide to go away at a time like this. Does he only prefer the 'for better' part of his vows, coz this is the worse time of my life and he is nowhere to help me through it.

I thank good God for this sight, I truly don't know how I would go through this without your experiences and support.

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Debie,
I am so sorry about your baby. Words cannot tell you how sorry I am. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

As far as the hubby goes, he is feeling the pressure too. He was always the one to tell me to stay strong.... that this was going to happen. Now I think he has swung in my direction in feeling this is never going to happen for us.

I remember when I told him about our second IVF being cancelled. Now, we knew this was probably going to happen, because things just were not going well. Yet he punched a cabinet in his office so hard that the whole door came off and broke.

We are both harboring a lot of anger through all this crap. But I guess I find myself shutting off more than him. When we first started treatments.....he didn't have much of an opinion, he just went along because it was what I thought needed to be done. I think it's because he is 7 yrs. younger than me and he wasn't feeling the urgency that I was.

Now he is more than ready for kids. It breaks my heart because he would be such a fun and patient dad. He is so good with our nieces and nephews. I will admit it is taking its toll on us. We'll just have to see what the future holds.

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Debie, I wish I could come and stay with you. My husband always seems to have a flight when I need him the most. He was gone for the 2 days after the transfer when I was on bed rest. Who will help you out? That will be so hard to be alone. Does he have to go, some jobs you cant say no. Take care, this is awful for you.

I will never forget how Leigh was driving on our way home after the m/c. I thought we was going to ram people and get into a fight. I had to call his best friend to call him to settle him down. Guys do not like being out of control.

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44 Your mail brought tears to my eyes, I appreciate you. My young sista stayed with me and DH is back now.

This morning at 07h00 I sent my 2nd angel home. I feel a lot of relief. I was ok the whole time and wanted to have the evac done since I found out about the blighted ovum, but when I was in the theatre bed I just cried. We came back home after four hours and I feel much better.

I'm not sure how, but I feel this whole mess is making me stronger. I'm not as shattered as I thought I'd be and I thank everyone of you for your thoughts and prayers.

WantsBaby I can only pray for you and DH that things work in your favour. Someday God will bless an angel/s with you as a mommy.

44 All the best for tomorrow, and may God give you your heart's desire.

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hello ladies... our poor hubbies... they can't control this and it drives them insane.
My DH stayed with me the entire time i was on bedrest after the transfer.... i called him my cabana boy. :-) but after we found out it didn't work, i could almost feel him withdrawing. i asked him about it last night and he said he wasn't withdrawing, he was just trying to cheer me up. i told him i didn't need him to entertain me... i needed him to face this with me so we can move past it. distracting me from the problem just means i still have to confront it ... but with no one to help me.
i've learned with my DH that he is giving me what i need.... i just don't know how to understand it. an analogy. if you ask someone for directions and they give them to you in greek. they are giving you the information you need... just not in a way you understand. for me... i am learning to understand my DH's language and that has helped me a lot. as much as he desires a child, it is easier for him to say... ok, i'm really disappointed and i really hurt... now what do we do? i get stuck in the 'i'm really hurt' phase.
debie... i am so sorry about your lost baby. i wish you lots of baby dust and patience... time will help heal.
good luck to all of you...
trish

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Debi - I am glad you are home and physically ok. Keep in touch. Sorry about the baby again. Darcie

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44, my husband is the same way - he talks to strangers about our infertility treatments, but doesn't like talking about it with friends or family.

He tells everyone from the cable guy to the car dealership (we can't bring the car in until the pm cuz my wife has to go the the clinic to do an u/s - we're undergoing fertility treatments). I'm like, honey, is it really necessary to say that?

Lately, he's just tired of my whining and melancholy. After my last BFN (after year of trying), I was at the lowest of lows, was crying in bed, and he's like "there's nothing you can do about it so just stop crying." "Get over it already and move on." And "how long are you going to be in there crying? I'm hungry, let's eat."

He was very insensitive, but I can't really blame him. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with those first days of AF when I'm mopey, depressed, pissed off, hopeless, etc.

Men just handle things differently than women. We need to do all the moping and crying, talking to everyone and everyone, or no one, before we can move on.

Time is all it takes, I wish he would understand that. I can't turn it off like a light switch, I got raging hormones here, he should just go golfing for three days!

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Kitti,

I am laughing about the golf thing! I've often wondered what my husband would say if I told him to "shut the $#@% up & go play golf".........I might have to try it sometime. ;D

Today w/ my husband was interesting.........we had our 3rd IUI this morning; we were supposed to drop off the swimmers by 7:30 am. I get up at 6:40am & tell my husband I'm going to take a shower in the guest bathroom so he can do his thing. He says,"OK, can you shut the door?" So I shut the door & go take my shower & dry my hair. This whole time, I don't hear anything coming from our room. The last two IUI's I held my breath until I heard the shower because then I knew he was "done" & we were ready to go. I didn't hear anything for 25 minutes! I started to freak out b/c I think the worst & holy crap we're not going to get to do this. I go knock on the door at 7:08am & HE'S STILL SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I flip out again & start crying while he does his thing. We leave our house at 7:25am, & have to be at the clinic in 5 minutes. But it's 30 minutes away! He feels TERRIBLE. I don't even want to knwo how fast he drove --- my eyes were shut!! We finally get there 20 minutes late & everything went fine. We were both so upset when we got there, it's a good thing we had to wait for an hour so we could calm down! We were able to talk each other down & make each other laugh by the time they did the procedure. Looking back, it kind of seems like a scene from a really bad comedy. The crazy crap we have to go through just to have a family......Sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh because it's so ridiculous.

Have a great night, ladies, & I will be praying big prayers for us all!

Jennifer

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I am so glad that I am not the only "wanting a divorce" at times through this... My DH has taken it really hard since the miscarriage and is so fearful that it will not work for us. He does not want to adopt because he is adopted and wants to have a child of his own. It is so important to him, he gets mad if the word adoption comes up. Some of our friends and family have mentioned it and he gets really quiet.

He doesn't really talk about how he is feeling much, so sometimes he blows up from the stress and pent-up emotions. It is really hard to remain calm and relaxed through this. I find too that if I get upset, he gets more upset. I do think, like someone said, this is one thing that he can't control and that is hard for many men.

Hopefully, our dreams will all come true soon and our marriages will be stronger for having gone through this together.

Sue

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Talk to me ... are you still in the IUI process and husband stress ... I'd like to talk.

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Ok, man this is a big effort for me but here I go ... Ladies I have azoospermia, zero count. And here is my effort to share and help?, such that you may help me.
Bio = 40yrs, married 5, wife is AWESOME, outdoor type, Christian / follower of Christ. My wife, we, had our first IUI two weeks ago ... in crushed me! I cryed like I never cried, on the way to the docs office. I never said no. I am usually good at expressing my feelings and am medium at sharing emotions but this has crushed me. See my wife is only second to Christ. I work to make her happy, be her loving man, and protect her. Now I must forewarn, don't jump in your husbands face after you read this, it will take some more discussion and I can only share how I feel. Your husband may not feel the same way. Men are soon hard headed ... he needs to talk to a Pastor or senior mentor, someone he holds respect for ... focus on separating pride/pitty from the real hurt. While I have all the symptoms of your DH's, I struggle to share, very reserved, as not to hurt my wife = pulling away from my wife. I'm angry! I'm Hurt. This is worse that a death in the respect that everyone shares in the death, the loss, and grief. Now, I know you suffer from his infertility, you hurt, and you are doing the IUI! Worse than death, yes, because, hmmm, because 1. I can not give my wife that precious baby. 2. While we have a child, AND I WILL LOVE THAT CHILD = wife now #3 ...hee,hee, just kidding. Second to Christ is wife now becomes 'relationship!' ... I will never have the joy of my biological child, hold on that is not being self-centered, it is just, just a desire a dream I have had, that God gave me at birth that I desire/want , its a want that is so deep in my soul. Now it is a loss! ok ... soon now all the rest(IUI, another mans child, bla,bla) just becomes parts of a pitty party that I want no part in ... to deal with that i pull away, as I do not want to tell my wife, are you crazy! it is for 'better or worse', I cant thus you cant! NO, I like your husbands said yes and it hurts. You did not hurt me. More later----

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