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Cassandra,

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Sorry I hit send too early.

I think what you are feeling happens to a lot of women. With my first born, which happened naturally, it was hard and stressful at times. I remember crying all day on the first Friday I had her alone when she wouldn't nap all day. By the time DH got home, I was a mess.

A good friend of mine had twin girls via IUI about a year ago. She had the depression before the girls were ever born and it lingered around for a long time after. She didn't even want to take care of them, and didn't bond with them for a long time. They have one other child that was 3 at the time and her DH got her a live in nanny which helped her a lot, since she wasn't taking very good care of them or herself. (I understand we all can't get nannies though! That would be nice at times!) It was hard to watch her go through this, but she has pulled through with the help of meds and counseling.

We are all here to listen to the ups and downs and I really appreciate you sharing this. I think we all tend to try and paint the most beautiful picture of motherhood, when reality is, it is hard at times. I hope you can find a good doctor that will listen to you on this topic and offer you some good help! It is out there if you are open to it.

Justme

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Cassandra,

THANK YOU.

I have tried to put into words for months exactly how I was feeling...and you did it so eloquently.

My beautiful son is nearly six months old, and tonight as he slept in my lap, I looked at him for the longest time and had to repeat over and over and over - he is mine, he is real, this is my son...this is my son...this is my child.

I still have a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that, yes, I did actually have a child after trying for soooooooooo long. Yes, he is real. Yes, I can keep him.

I still just feel like I'm floating through this, like I'm not really a part of all this yet...and I do oftern wonder if I ever will be.

I don't think it's postpartum depression that we have, but I think it's just so hard to get what we've actually prayed for, hoped for, cried for, wished for and worked for.

After I had my son, I posted here that I really couldn't believe that he was real, that it all really happened, and that this was life now. Again, I think it's something that us infertiles experience moreso than those who haven't worked as hard as us to have babies.

I've thought long and hard about going back to see my therapist because I just still can't get it through my head that this child is real. Even though colic and numerous trips to the hospital - this doesn't feel real. My Mom keeps saying she can't belive he's ours, either, so I really don't have anyone grounded enough to help me wrap my head around this.

I don't have a problem bonding with him, I love him and I take care of him, but like you, I still feel like I am NOT this kid's mother...there is someone motherly and responsible who is his mother. Someone to whom he can look for comfort and strength...not someone who can't comprehend the profound reality of the situation.

So, my dear Cassandra, you are NOT alone. You are NOT distanced from your kids. You are a GREAT mother!! You are doing a GREAT job with those babies!!

Let's just try to keep each other company here and be a resource for eachother because I need a shoulder as much as you, Cassandra. In doing so, we'll also be able to be a shoulder and resource for other Mommies here who experience the same thing.

My Grandfather was a pastor and a tremendous man. He always said, "Be careful what you pray for because you might get it." I never understood that - FULLY - until I had my son. It's not that I didn't want him, but for years all I did was pray for him to get here...and when he finally DID get here, I couldn't fully appreciate it. Never once did I pray for God's help in coping with what I really wanted once I finally got it, so I guess I will now pray for that for you and me and others like us.

I will keep you in my prayers, Cassandra...let's keep in touch here - this is a great resource for us. It was great for us when we were trying to get here, and that doesn't have to stop now that we finally got here.

Have a great night and I'll talk to you soon!!


HeatherMac

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Justme, Thank you very much for the advice. I was really unsure of posting that here. Nannies are out of the question. Last night i asked dh to take over because I really had to get out and decompress. I will be speaking to my dr. about the hair loss. I'm sure it is just stress and hormones.

Heather, thank you soo much for posting. I'm so glad you understand what I'm going through. I think you are right about it not being post-partem. You get what I'm saying. Today for some reason I don't feel AS down as yesterday. I think reading what you wrote has really made me feel like I'm not alone in these feelings. I was also thinking, Dh and I were married 13 1/2 years before I had these babies and you kind of get used to it being only the 2 of you. This is a huge adjustment for both of us and I guess you are never really ready. I am with you on the "not believeing they are really yours."

I wonder when we start believing it?

Take care,
cassandra

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Cassandra,

It is so good to hear from you :) I can relate to what both you and Heathermac are saying. There are still times when I still can't believe I am "MOMMY". It is like an out of body experience. Truthfully there are times when I would like to change my name to something other than mommy too!!! It is hard sometimes for me to post b/c my twins are at a REALLY difficult age - two - and I want to say to all, look out being a parent is really, really hard and not a bed of roses everyday. I beat myself up regularly, b/c I get frustrated w/ the twins. I think I should cherish every blessed second with these miracles, since I waited and struggled to have them, but some days I can't wait for nap time and bed time or when Daddy comes home to give me a much needed break from the whining, crying, fighting, hitting, temper tantrums and me constantly saying "NO". Our twins still have some developmental issues which makes things a bit more difficult as well. I think I figured that since we delt w/ infertility, God was going to give us two super well behaved children in lieu of all of the time we waited to have them. Guess I was sadly mistaken :) I have children thatgive me a run for my money, and I need to face reality that I am like a regular mom and it is okay to say I need a break from my long awaited miracles.

To all of the moms who are p/g w/ twins or just had them, it is a wonderful experience to have 2 at the same time. It is neat to see the bond that develops b/w them and all the wonderful things that they both do, but at the same time it is so difficult having two at the same time. Both feed off each other, such as one gets on the coffee table to jump, so does the other. One climbs up on a chair to play w/ knives the other is right behind. (Yes the one thing in my house that wasn't child proof they found!!!!) We put one in time out and the other starts doing the same inappropriate behavior. By the time they hit 18 years old I am sure we will be armed w/ so many stories, I can't even imagine!!!!

With that said, would I trade a minute of my life w/ them and our new little one, NOT ONE MINUTE. I love those three children more than life itself and would give my life for one of them, but would I enjoy a break away from them at least once a week - you bet :)

My advice to all moms out there who have suffered from infertility try not to feel guilty if you get frustrated, as I am told it is a natural thing. If you can get a break take it, TAKE IT !!! It makes you a better mom in the end. I have a difficult time accepting help from others, but I am learning to get better, b/c I have found it makes me a much happier person.

I hope I don't seem ungrateful or a downer, b/c again, I absolutely love being a mom, but sometimes the reality is a lot more difficult than the fantasy.

Meg

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Cassandra.. you will be fine!!! The biggest thing is admitting that you aren't superwoman.. and that is perfectly fine. Your body has just gone through so much.. not to mention the fertlity treatments and the pregnancy,... and then bam.. one day you are in charge of a little being (or beings in yrou case!) who relies on your for EVERYTHING!

It is no wonder one gets overwhelmed. I am completely prepared (or unprepared!) for being overwhelmed.. I am a bit of a control freak.. so I know now that by not having any control over the baby (when s/he feeds, sleeps, etc) that I will have a bit of a hard time adjusting. But I know after awhile... when we are in a routine.. and all this will seem like a distant memory!

So just remember... what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. And you and the babies will be fine!

I know many women who feel exactly teh same way as you (including me!)

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Wow, some times after reading or hearing everybody's stories, it kind of scares me! But Baby4 us, you have a good point : The biggest thing is admitting that you aren't superwoman. And that can apply to many situations in life. Once you are Ok with it, you can go on!
It's a weird thing to think that you are embarking on this wild adventure, something you've never done before and you will have one (or 2!) lives depending on you for many, many years! Wow, that's mind boggling that so many people do it and just like us, they experiment with trial and errors! But love always makes everything better!
Ok, I'm starting to babble now! Must be the hormones!
Fiso

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Cassandra,

Hey! I was just wondering how you were doing today and if you're feeling better.

I've been thinking about you and hoping you are well.

Something occured to me today and it made me think of our situation. A friend of mine, whom I've not seen since DS was born, said to me: "Did you ever think you could love someone that much?"

Wow. Then it hit me - deep down I'm not sure I belive that I deserve this.

You know what I'm saying??

I was in crappy relationships for SO long and when DH came along and was actually really good to me, I had a VERY difficult time accepting it...and our relationship...that it was really a good relationship and I deserved it. Very hard time accepting that. One day he finally looked at me and said, "I'm not all the assholes you dated before." Wow. So, I had to work on accepting his love of me just without strings...again...something I had hoped and prayed and dreamed and wished for...and once I got it, I had a hard time with it.

So, after my friend's comment, I look at my DS that same way. All the way home I thought about it and realized that I'm having a terrible time accepting that I actually deserve this wonderful baby, that I am deserving of the happiness and joy that he has brought to my life, and that it is okay to love him so much my heart feels like it may burst out of my chest. It is okay to love someone that much. And, it is OKAY to be loved back by that little someone who trusts me implicitly, loves me without reservation, accepts me without abandon and belives that I can make everything better just by smiling back.

That is a very hard thing to accept.

I can only imagine it's a little more difficult with two!

I realize now that I actually tried to keep my distance a bit in the beginning because I didn't want to love him and get hurt...like I was in the past with infertility. I had experienced m/c before, and I was so scared to get attached to DS because I thought he might go away, too. And, there I would be - heart on the line, hurt again.

So, I think that may be the cause of our problem. It is with great trepidation that we, as infertiles, experience motherhood...because we are so used to the joys of the good news immeditately followed by the sorrows of the bad news. It's the pattern we've lived for so long...so it's hard to get out of that pattern. We keep waiting for the low of the bad news. Not that we want anything to happen, but we are used to the heartache after the joy.

Okay, I'm sorry I'm rambling, but I'm kind of thinking out loud a bit here for my own benefit, too. I have to work through the feelings I'm having and the frustrations and confusion I feel as well. Thanks for listning.

Cassandra, I hope you're okay today. I'm praying for you, my dear, and every woman on these boards...those who are struggling and those who are pg and those who have delivered...we all need a little strength, don't we?

Be well, everyone.


HeatherMac

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Heathermac that is so great.. very inspirational.. and so true.

And I think we all have to look at all the stress and strain and emotional crap we went through during fertility treatments. For so long you are focused on that.. and only that... my whole pregnancy has seemed surreal (so imagine when I actually have this baby.. Cassandra I am going to feel the same way as you -- who IS this little person???)

So again I think the big thing is to accept how you are feeling right now and that fact that you are reaching out for answers is amazing.. you will be fine.. take it day by day.. it only gets better!!

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Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies. You all have made me feel "normal" and no I'm not superwoman. Yes, I can finally admit that. My babies are doing wonderfully. We had a 4 month shot/weigh-in on Wed. and the dr. congratulated dh and I on doing a great job. The kids are healthy and happy. Mathew is 16 1/2 lbs. and Lauren is 11 1/2. And they still love me even though they got shots! It is still amazing to me that these cutie pies are mine!

Meg is right. Its not always sunshine and roses but I know deep in my heart the good days outweigh the bad days.

Heathermac, you definately you know how to put things in perspective. Actually, my sister took them overnight last night to make her day easier because she usually drives an hour each way on Fri. to babysit for me for 3 hours. I woke up and for a minisecond thought well, they aren't mine. Crazy! Of course the evidence is all around here. I called her last night to tell her how to rock Mathew asleep a certain way and had a nightmare last night about them not getting any formula. I left a message this morning and am annoyed that she hasn't called me back yet. I guess what I'm trying to say here is even though I have the feelings of them not really being mine, I dream and constantly think about them and just want to hold them. I miss them terribly. I think I will get all of this housework done with them gone but all I do is daydream about them! Almost imobilized!

Anyways ladies, thank you so much for your encouragement in these trying times. I really appreciate all of you and wish the best for all of the upcoming mommies to be! It is wonderful to come here to talk.
Thanks again for being here for me!

Love, cassandra

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Heathermac and Cassandra,

As always, Heathermac always seems to express everything that everyone feels, but doesn't know how to put into words. I still worry everyday that I don't deserve our children, or that something bad is going to happen, either to them or me. Now I worry after waiting so long to have them that something is going to happen to me and that I will not get to see our children grow up. I know sounds crazy, but I have worry issues !!!!

Speaking of worry, I hope my post didn't come across as if I didn't love or appreciate the gift of our children more than anything in the world. The love I feel for them is indescribable. Granted some days are very difficult, but when the day is done we always focus on the funny and adorable things that these quirky little ones bring to our day. I love the silly things they all do, and it those things that warm my heart and make the long infertility journey worth it all.

Please take care all and know that you are terrific moms and moms to be. Thanks for listening.

Meg

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Thanks ladies for finally admitting that being a mom is difficult. Being a mother of triplets, I never feel that I can do enough to give all of them the love they need. Everyday their is always one baby crying while I'm feeding, diapering or consoling another baby. It is exhausting and heartbreaking.

As everyone has stated, the greatest thing in our life is being a mom. Somedays, it is just really hard and I appreciate this safe forum where we can all share our joys and frustrations.

Cassandra - how crazy our dr. appointments with multiples? I found myself screaming over my babies screams trying to get my questions answered. I have to have a couple of glasses a wine as soon as I get home. It is complete chaos.

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Elizabeth,

I can't even imagine having triplets to care for !!!!Twins can be hard enough, although, we now have our almost 4 month old, who also sometimes has to cry b/c the twins even at 2 demand so much of our attention.

Does your husband go with you to Dr.s appointments? I always bring someone with me for the major appointments even when they turned 2, b/c instead of crying they now touch everything :) The few times I have had to go by myself have been hard, b/c I forgot to ask questions b/c one of the twins were acting up. I would then have to call the office when I got home to ask the forgotten questions ;) Don't worry somethings will get much easier with multiples, such as eating and drinking. It was a wonderful day when they could feed themselves and also just eat cheerios, but as with anything there were new challenges. You will survive and look back on many things and wonder how you mangaged to do it all :)

Take Care,

Meg

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Hi all,

I hope everyone is well. My laptop has been out of action for ages but all is ok again.

I read with great interest this topic that Cassandra started and thought I would share my experience.

When I had Billie (now 6) after 5 years of treatment I got PND the next day. I fought it and fought it for eight or nine weeks until I had a complete breakdown and had to be admitted to a clinic (with my baby) for around 3 months. I struggled on and off with PND ever since, have always been medicated and have seen my shrink on a regular basis for 6 years. When I got sick I felt an enourmous amount of guilt as in my mind I had wanted this child so badly for so long and here I was wanting to die.........I knew I loved her and thought I had bonded with her but I hadnt. I couldnt come to grips with the fact that I wasnt going to lose her. Everyday I thought she would be taken away from me....I still feel that now, but only with her, not with Mackenzie (4 months) who was also an IVF baby.
I felt alot of guilt for so long about being in hospital and putting her through all of that when she was so little but now I know that she is not affected in the slightest.
I wanted a baby for so long, even before I was married I used to fantasise about being a Mum. I had built my expectations of myself, my baby and our family so high and there is no way in the world I could have lived up to them. It's funny because I have never felt like a good enough mother to Billie, but to Mackenzie I think I am doing a great job......I bonded the moment I saw her and have truly fallen in love with her.......I do have all of those feelings for Billie now but it just took a while.

I have been a manager of over 100 people in a high powered job and that is a walk in the park compared to being a Mum. It is the hardest job in the world but nothing else comes close to the rewards you get back.

Cassandra, it is so normal for you to have these feelings. You are not alone, but know that you are a wonderful mother and you are doing all you do for your babies with so much love in your heart.

Take Care

Shaz

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Wow...every new post helps me feel SO much better. Thanks, ladies, for all your encouraging words...and thanks, Cassandra, for starting this thread.

I just remember when DS was born, the whole thing felt SO surreal...so fake...like it wasn't me there doing that. So, I guess that's how I've felt for a very long time...I'm just more able to function in that way now. I'm trying hard to make it feel more real, so thanks to each of you for your words of advice and encouragement.

I've been up way too long, so I'm going to bed. Keep the suggestions and comments coming - they're helping me make it through!!

LOVE,
HeatherMac

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