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Mandi - October 13th, 2006 11:52 AM

Recently this year I lost my 4th child. I get pregnant easily but the babies die after 8 weeks. I am only 22 years old (i know, kind of started young) but no matter how old you are it still feels like someone rips out your heart every time you loose a child. I lost a boyfriend because of my behavior afterwards and last night finally realized why. I almost lost another boyfriend... a man I hold closer to my heart then anyone. and this is what i told him....
"when everything is taken from you, you feel like you deserve something back. After each baby I lost there was a huge hole or void in my heart and in my head, and I always thought love by someone else would fill that void. Now I realize that Nothing is going to fill or replace whats been taken from me and even tho it was the boyfriends child too.... it's not his responsiblity to make me happy from this. (well in a relationship you try to make each other happy.) but I need to be at peace with this void because it's something I have to live with forever. And it's something I have to do on my own....there's no way I can make anyone understand it and no one will ever know how to fix it. So if I am tense or sensitive some days... just remember, I am forever going threw something that you will Never understand."
No one in my family has ever miscarried. When i talk to them about my feelings they shrug me off. I joined this website because I hope someone out there understands and maybe can say something that makes sense.


liz - October 13th, 2006 12:52 PM

Hi Mandi-

I would like to offer my condolences on your losses. There is really nothing that anyone can say that can make you feel better. It is you who needs to find the peace within. I too have lost 4 little ones. The most recent was a month ago. I was pregnant with twins and lost one of them. I am still pergnant with one and everything seems to be going great.

Each and everytime I suffered the loss I could not face the world, I did not want to talk to anybody about it including my husband. I guess I was trying to keep it in and go with the old saying if you don't talk about it is not really true. I have suffered a great deal and like you have always wanted to fill that void. What I have learned for me is that you can't feel the void, it will always be there. I believe that I am at peace with my losses but the void will always be there. I believe my little angels are in heaven and watch out for me every day. I also believe that we are never given more then we can handle, it is just a matter of how we chose to handle it.

Have you gone though any kind of testing? I just ask because it could be a simple problem that can be fixed.

I know how hard it can be, many of us here have gone though similiar situations. You have found a wonderful group of people here on shared journey who can offer you a great deal of love and support.

Liz

Mandi - October 13th, 2006 1:01 PM

My last miscarraige I had excessive bleeding so I went in to the doctor, he wanted the fetus so they could test it. But they collected the wrong sample and actually threw the fetus away. I am unemployed but start nursing school in January. Hopefully soon I'll be able to see my OB again and maybe shine some light on what's happened. I say to my family that it would suck if it was something small that could've been prevented, but it would also be nice because then it's something simple to cure. Either way it's going to be another obstical to overcome. My friends tell me I'm so strong for going threw all this... you just do what needs to be done. And yes, I have been shutting out the world and my boyfriend. I am very stubborn I guess you could say :) It's extremely hard to let people get close to your heart when you know the pain of loss.

Ange - October 13th, 2006 8:11 PM

I am very sorry for your loses. I have been ttc for over 14 years now. I feel many cycles that I might have been pregnant but never did the test and always got late heavy periods. I found out this year that I have hypothyroidism. I never knew I had it. But I had all the symptoms (cold feet and hands) tired, depressed. Late start of period ( started at almost 16). I was reading up on the internet and found out that many woman have a problem with their thyroid and doctors don't even see it. Did you know you ideally need a level of 2 to conceive and hold a baby to term. When you get pregnant and have low thyroid you can have great risks of miscarriage. Your baby will only produce its own thyoid gland at the womb age of 12 weeks. So the baby is releying on yours. Get a blood test if you haven't aready. Doctors tend to say that you are normal if you have a range of .5-5.5 but that has changed it is now.3-3.4 is normal. Plus once you get pregnant you need to get your blood tested again to raise your levels of medication for your thyroid.

I hope this information is helpful to you. You can check the internet to be sure. But I am amazed of how much you thyroid has to do with fertility.

I wish you all the baby dust!

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