When a Baby is Stillborn
Birthing a Stillborn
The crushing blow of a stillbirth leaves parents stunned, numb, and overwhelmed. Suddenly all of their dreams and hopes are crushed, void of the one person who was to make them real. It is never expected and never easy to experience, for anyone involved, including family and friends.
When it does happen, the baby's death can be confirmed by ultrasound. Once that happens, whether labor has already started or whether it will be induced, the plan for the birth still has to be put into motion. Pain relief, support people and other conditions will be discussed and the doctor may be able to tell the mother what to expect in terms of size and appearance of the baby. It is helpful for a woman to know what to expect so there is at least a bit of cushion in the pain.
Making the Baby Part of the Family
If the baby dies before, during, or very soon after the birth it is possible for the mother to keep the baby with her to hold, love and dress if she wishes. Sometimes the thought of such a thing is repelling to the woman experiencing the stillbirth. However, given a bit of time those feelings often go away and the decision to keep the baby with her for a time gives some connection and closure to the mother.
Naming the baby is an important facet of the closure because it gives an anchor when talking about the baby. When the baby can be remembered by name he or she becomes officially a part of the family. Some parents bless or baptize their baby. The hospital can take pictures and help arrange a funeral if the parents so desire. Social workers who are affiliated with the hospital are often able to help and guide grieving parents in this way.
Consenting to an Autopsy
In order to determine the cause of death, an autopsy may be suggested by the doctor. In some places it is mandatory, in others it is not. It can be very helpful to know what caused the baby's death. Knowing the cause helps the parents understand that it may not have been anything they could have changed or anything they did wrong. Parents often blame themselves for the stillbirth, so if it is possible to determine a cause then the parents can process their grief without blame. The results of the autopsy are given to the parents after it is completed.
Birth is Birth
There is still a recovery period for the mother after a stillbirth. Heavy bleeding and the filling of the breasts with milk are part of the post-birth process. Drugs to dry the milk, a proper fitting bra and cold packs can help as the milk dries up and the swelling in the breasts recedes. The time at home can be very difficult as the parents recover from their loss. Counseling and information are important facets of the healing process.
Beginning the Healing Process
Friends and family can do a lot to help parents through this most tragic time. In a very real way, nobody can take the pain of the loss away, but they can provide love, hope, understanding and the same kind of support one would give for any other loss of a loved one.
The emotions and pain are very real and are a normal part of the grieving process. It takes time to process the loss, the associated pain, and the questions. It can take time - sometimes a very long time for the family to grieve and heal. However long it takes, it is vitally necessary for them to work through the pain and into healing. Unresolved pain and the issues of loss that are not resolved can potentially cause serious emotional and physical problems for a couple in the future.
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